Type of Suicide. HELP!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by iKayla, Aug 7, 2011.

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  1. iKayla

    iKayla Chat Buddy

    so for months now i have been feeling sorta suicidal
    but i'm too much of a wimp to kill myself. and i know that suicide is such a horrible thing.
    i have been wishing that i get kidnapped/murdered/hit by a car because it wouldn't be 'suicide'.
    i know it sounds crazy and how if i really wanted to die i'd just do it myself. but its getting to the point where i am driving and speed up to 60mph for just a couple seconds at the hope of crashing. or when i'm at night driving and i drive a lot crazier and hope that maybe a drunk driver will hit me.

    help. i don't want to die, but college is getting closer and i am dreading and fearing it. i want to die before then. but i don't want to die at the same time.
  2. »broken_smile«

    »broken_smile« Banned Member

    im the same... i wanna die but i wont kill myself... i hope i drop dead/got hit by car/murdered... y u wanna die??
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya, Kaylasu. I wish you were not feeling so stressed. :hug:

    What you're doing can be called "risk taking behavior" - sort of tempting fate. I do hope you stop taking such risks.

    College is a big step for anyone. What is it about going to college that you are dreading? Lots of people here have gone to college and will understand your point of view - and they just might be able to help you decrease your anxiety. If you feel like it, perhaps tell us more about what you fear about college.

    Stay safe, hun. :hug:
  4. iKayla

    iKayla Chat Buddy

    well ya see just recently as in 5 min ago, i got this feeling for like a month now that my friend is mad at me or something because she never talked to me the same. no :D or haha or lol's. and she told me that i'm depressing her [even though I've been quite happy and cheery for a couple days now] all I've been trying to do is talk to her in a happy way like hey whats' up how are you. etc... but she never replied happy. and she told me she can't talk to me anymore... and i hope this doesn't mean to not be friends because she's been there for me forever and i don't know what i'd do w/o her. i'd prob kill myself.
    so thats on my mind right now...

    and the college thing...all my friends are going to a university or dorming in another state. we're all going to different schools. and me, i'm going to a stupid community college because i wasn't good enough. and my college is so packed that i didn't even get any 'required' classes. so i'm dreading the homework, the horrible mean teachers, and being alone... and getting lost on campus. i'm so fearful of getting lost. and the idea of going to college scares me to death. i hate the idea. and i seriously want to die before this happens.
  5. cannolongercope

    cannolongercope Active Member

    It will be ok going to the Community College. They have maps if you get lost and keep in mind there are many, many people there in your shoes; they do not know anyone and are scared.

    If you can, go to the campus before the first day and find the buildings and classrooms you are in. Go have a drink in the student cafeteria or whatever they call it. Sit out side for a while so you can watch others move around campus. This is your new school and it is exciting! I loved my community college years as much as I liked the university, including my graduate years. Community colleges are excellent learning institutions!

    You are just beginning your life! Please, please know that friends from high school fade away; it is natural and part of life. You are going to develop new friends in time. Remember, there are many, many young people such as yourself walking around on campus in fear that they don't know anyone. It is ok. You will walk to your class, sit down and the teacher will take over. It is ok to be nervous; it is ok to not know anyone! 99.99% of the new students do not.

    While high school has a 'group of friends' environment pressure, the rest of the world does not. The average age of community colleges is 25 yrs. old; you will even have people who are in their 30s, 40s and, yes, 50s. You are entering the world of adulthood and the social pressure of high school is behind you.

    As you head towards your first day of school, keep telling yourself; there are many, many people walking around the campus scared and feeling alone; hoping someone will be their friend!

    One idea is for each class you are in look for someone who feel comfortable saying "Hi, would you like to exchange phone numbers so incase we cannot make it to class we will have someone to contact besides the teacher. We could share notes". If that is to much pressure the first day, wait until you feel comfortable. Remember; most people are sitting there hoping they get to know someone so they don't feel alone.

    You are starting one of the most exciting times in your life! Community colleges are great places!
  6. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    OK...Your friend, have you tried an honest convo about what is going on? Does she explain what she thinks you've said that is depressing? It could be just a misunderstanding. Maybe the two of you need to "clear the air" and talk about how each of sees things and how you feel about them. Good friends can get in funny moods sometimes. :dunno:

    There's nothing wrong with community colleges, sweetie. You say you weren't good enough to go elsewhere. Grades are one measure of our education, and unfortunately, a lot seems to depend on them. It is possible to raise our grades by putting in extra study time, getting a peer tutor if needed, asking the teachers for clarification...etc. So, if you really want to go to a uni or out of state, working extra hard to get the grades up will help you. :hug:

    I understand the bit about feeling alone at the college you're going to attend. I didn't really know anyone when I went to uni - until the second day, when I recognized people I'd met on the first day. :) So, I'll bet there are loads of students arriving at your college who feel the same way you do. College is a great place to meet a lot of new people and make more friends. In addition to classes, there are clubs, sports, special guest speakers...Sure, college has it's scary side, like anything new we try, but it's a lot of fun meeting new friends, learning new things, trying out new ideas.

    And yes, you will have new teachers and new courses, and some teachers might not be "pleasant". But some of them, you will love!

    All your fears are what pretty much every student worries about.

    Be confident in yourself, hun, that you can do what you put your mind to doing - getting there, doing the new courses, meeting new people, facing new challenges head on. You CAN do it! :)
  7. iKayla

    iKayla Chat Buddy

    no she doesn't say anything or explain! i tried. and she's like 'just forget about me' etc... and i can't be friends with someone who doesn't make me happy. just now i said that we should talk about this... and she doesn't want to... she doesn't explain how i'm depressing her.. she doesn't want us to be enemies or best friends... idk I'm giving her space right now... and hopefully shell figure it out before she goes to idaho... because i don't want her to leave without us having any idea of what kind of friends we are or if we're not? but w/o her... I'm not gonna lie i'd probably get the courage to kill myself because of it. and just right now i told her we need to talk about this in person but she said no...
  8. farandaway

    farandaway Member

    Hey there kaylasueuthanasia!

    I'm so sorry to read about your troubles. I can relate to your problems. I used to hope something would just happen to me, I'd find myself fantasizing about my death...hoping someone else would just do it...I work really hard to overcome those feelings of wanting to die/suicide...it's a struggle everyday.

    There are always issues in friendships, it's difficult to deal with especially when they're a really good friend. She may just have some personal issues she's working through in her life, and she's just pushing away for now...give her some time :)

    As far as college, it's completely normal to be nervous! There's no same in going to a community college, I wish I had started at a smaller school before moving to a large university (I was really distracted as a freshman, I had so much freedom...so I didn't focus on school work much my first semester). I'm sure you will have a fantastic year! When you go to class the first day introduce yourself to some of your classmates (later in the semester it will pay off and you'll have friends to share notes with and have study groups which can be a huge help!). And introduce yourself to your professors, they will appreciate that and they will remember you! Go to campus before school starts and plan out your route to your classes, that way you'll have more confidence the first day! And if you end up in the wrong class...well you'll have a funny story to tell later on! (Lots of people do that, trust me! I've even done it). And if at some point you do get lost, try asking someone chances are they'll be able to help!

    Good luck to you
  9. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hey, Kaylasu, sounds like you've tried everything within reason with your friend, so maybe you're right, giving her some space may be the best thing since she's refusing to talk right now. I'm sorry it went that way and that it's so hard for you. As cannolongercope noted, your friend may have her own issues that are interfering. I hope very much that she comes around soon. :hug:

    Please give yourself some time and space, too. Stay safe and be kind to yourself. This particular time of life is always full of changes...and opportunities. Get the first semester at college started. You'll meet people and get into the swing of things. Cannolongercope also offered some great tips on how to get involved at college. :) The whole first time at college does make people feel nervous, but you can handle it, I'm sure.

    I hope you'll keep us updated. :)
  10. iKayla

    iKayla Chat Buddy

    but the thing is acy, she is only pushing ME AWAY. not any of her best friends. just me... and i told my other friend that there si something going on with chelsea, that i wasn't crazy... that she's only acting this way around me... and i was right... i dunno i just hope she comes to conclusions and realizes that i am a happy person and will let me her friend again...

    all the advice on college is helpful but it still won't get rid of my anxiety. even the thought of college makes me so depressed and scared that i would just kill myself if someone mentions it.
  11. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Sent you a PM. Feel free to PM me any time. :)
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