Typing all this out here ...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by debbiej, Oct 6, 2007.

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  1. debbiej

    debbiej Member

    ... has me feeling so silly. I know I don't post often, I've got a bad habit of lurking for a few weeks after I register before I post.

    But I feel so horrible all the time. I go to school, plaster a smile on my face and joke around like nobody's business, but the whole time, I point out every single mistake I make in my head. I don't like getting up out of my desk to go places, I don't like doing anything that has a possibility of drawing attention to myself. I don't understand what's wrong with me.

    When I was a little kid, my mother pulled me out of school to be homeschooled one day after I broke down crying in class (I think I repressed that memory, because I don't remember why it happened or anything). She brainwashed me for years with a cult belief system, always telling me that the world would be destroyed soon, and I wasn't worth anything on judgment day because I could very well be destroyed like everyone else. I was so afraid to make friends with anyone. I think something else may have happened to me when I was younger because for years, I couldn't hug people or look them in the eye ... I'd get so nervous if anyone even touched me. To this day, when people ask me to hug them or come up to me like they want a hug, it takes an act of Congress in my mind to bypass the fear and give them a hug.

    So I don't get along with my parents. Anything that happens, we fight over. If I do something wrong, anything at all, I get put down for it so badly, that sometimes I cry. Then when I cry, if they see me, they call me stubborn and selfish, and they tell me that I need to straighten up and learn how to act. If I ask them for anything, then I'm spoiled rotten and I need to get a job. But yet, when I talk about going to college or leaving home or anything, they pretend like they want me to stay, like they give a damn about me. It's not true. I remember making silly little mistakes when I was younger, and dad would beat me with the metal end of a belt until I screamed. Then, he'd hit me harder, telling me to stop screaming and go to me room. I couldn't go to my room, of course, because I was on the floor wishing for the pain to end. Mom would be sitting right there in the living room looking at me, and when I got away from him, she'd give me this look like, "You deserved that." ... I don't know if it was abuse. It stopped ... but I don't know ... I can't even talk to people, it's so hard ... I'm afraid to tell my friends anything because I don't know what they'd say. How they'd look at me or my parents. Maybe I'm weak because I can't handle life, because I'm so sick of it ... or selfish, or stubborn, or whatever. It's all true.

    And I used to have a brother, who killed himself. It makes me wonder, could he have gone through the same things I have? Why did he do it? With every passing day, I find more clues as to why he killed himself. Once, I woke up to my parents screaming at each other about whose fault it was that he killed himself (some fifteen years ago, mind).

    And I don't know why I typed any of this, really. It makes me feel so stupid, trying to let it all out like this, because now it all looks so tiny and unimportant compared to what I've seen ... I guess what I'm trying to ask is, what my parents are doing. Is it some sort of abuse? What should I do, in my situation? Is life really still worth living, when everything is just falling apart like this? I don't know why or how I'm still here today, probably because I'm afraid to do anything ... but this is killing me inside. I feel like I'm only half of what I used to be - I can't bring myself to focus on studying, I can't bring myself to enjoy Friday night football or band rehearsals or the little things I used to enjoy all the time. I can't sleep right anymore (I either sleep too much or too little, but in the end it doesn't matter because I'm still tired during the day). If too many bad things happen in a day, I come home, deal with my parents, and I have to sit at the edge of my bed under the covers shaking and trying hard not to cry, for fear of someone noticing me or the phone ringing or whatever.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel so hopeless. I don't even know if I have a future. I used to live off of that, that maybe I'd survive just to prove my parents wrong, but I don't even think I can do that anymore.

    Thanks for reading this, if you did. :sad:
     
  2. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Hi there,

    There's honestly no reason to feel stupid for having typed this on the forum. Quite the contrary.. i think you've been really brave in opening up and letting us in to how things are for you at the moment. I hope that it helped a little to write it? You said that once you'd written it, it all looked "tiny".. if it helps at all, i don't think that what you've been through, and still are going through, is tiny at all. This is your life. You are important and i'm glad that you have found this forum for support.

    I wish i could say or do something that would make your home situation better for you. It sounds like you've been through, and survived, one hell of a time at home.. and to me it sounds as though your parents are being emotionally abusive towards you at the moment. Can i ask how old you are? I know you have said to your parents on occasion that you would like to move out, etc. and i'm wondering how much of a reality that could be for you? Yes they may kick their feet, have tantrums and try to make you feel guilty, but hey, that would be a little price to pay for freedom for the rest of your life! And really, this is your life not theirs. They've played with your mind for long enough.. maybe it's time for you to rediscover yourself :)

    I am aware that i'm probably making it sound so easy in this reply. I remember when i decided to leave home for a job after uni and it was really difficult to do it (against my parents wishes). It took a lot of courage, but 6 years on I do feel like a stronger person emotionally.. and more importantly, i do feel more confident for having done it. Oh, and therapy helped a lot! Could you look in to getting some therapy? I guess it may be difficult while you're living at home though...?

    Anyway, i hope that things ease up for you soon.. please feel free to drop me a PM if you'd like to chat. It's ok if you want to lurk on the forum for a while, but please also know that you're welcome to post for support as well.

    :hug:
    Jenny x
     
  3. debbiej

    debbiej Member

    Thanks, Jenny, for your response.

    I'll be 16 in January, I'm in my sophomore year.

    I've also dropped hints that I want therapy to my parents, but when they start to catch on, they act like therapy is a bad thing or that I don't really need it or that I'm making a big show out of what goes on. My sister is on anti-depressants, and my parents both act like she doesn't know what she's doing in taking them. They both think there is a better method of problem-solving than "pill-popping". She moved out as soon as she finished her senior year to live with her boyfriend (whom she married). Thirteen years later, mom still hates her for it.

    So it makes me feel like I don't really have a problem big enough in their eyes for them to let me go to therapy. And if I go to therapy, it's only because I'm weak. I don't know what I'd have to do to make them take me seriously.

    -debs.
    (my real name isn't debbie, by the way, it's just a nickname).
     
  4. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Dear deb first of all I'd like to say welcome and you done a wonderful and courageous thing by posting how you're feeling.Please don't feel silly because you have been very brave to open up to us,I really do feel you need all the help you can get and whatever it take's please do this and we're alway's here for support.
     
  5. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    I remember when i had come out of hospital at the age of 18/19 after my first 'attempt' and i mentioned therapy to my parents.. they were (and still are) horrified. All i can think of is that they didn't want me to go to therapy because it would help make me stronger and more able to look at my family life objectively.. something they both didn't want me to do as it is full of secrets.

    Do you have any therapists at your college? Maybe they'd provide a free service to students? And then your parents never need know? :)

    And i'm glad your sister somehow got the courage to move out and live life for herself. I bet it wasn't easy for her, just as it wouldn't be for you. Are you close to your sister? Could you talk to her about your feelings?

    :hug:
     
  6. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum
     
  7. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Just wanted to stop by and see how you're doing today? :hug:
     
  8. debbiej

    debbiej Member

    Okay, I guess. :blink:

    I skipped band practice today to study for my midterm exams this week (I figured skipping just one practice couldn't hurt me that much... ). I mean, the director said he'd start counting off our grades, but I figured he meant, he'd take ten points off of our daily grade or something silly and insignificant like that.

    After I had made arrangements to skip the practice, I found out that he was docking five points from our final grade for it. Which defeats the purpose of my original intentions for skipping the practice - to try to help my steadily dropping grades at least a little bit. He won't listen to reason. What ticks me off is I have dedicated so much time, money, and sanity to that band for the past four years, and what do I get in return? As soon as we get a new band director, I actually lose prestige? I lose sanity? I can't bring my grades up because of all this, and it makes me want to kill myself? I can't quit halfway through the season either, because as a teacher he can just give me a zero for band, kicking me off of NHS and probably out of the house, too. I really think I should go to a counselor tomorrow and try to have a civilized discussion with them that doesn't turn into more fighting and drama, but all of this has me so weak. It's an accomplishment to get out of bed every day, but I dunno about getting out twenty minutes earlier to go fight over something as stupid as a slightly autistic band director.

    And my parents aren't doing anything but fighting with me over silly things lately. I also found out that my best friend was molested ... several times, by many different people. And I don't know how to help her. I already knew the first part (I was under the impression that it was just once by a stranger or something that wouldn't be nearly as traumatic), and she seemed ok, but for the same reasons above (school/band/etc.), she just started crying, and I asked her what was wrong (I haven't been reduced to public tears ... yet), and I said the director would get off his high horse because a few of us are going to whine to the counselors/principal, but she said that that wasn't it-- and she explained everything to me (not in detail). And now, I'm afraid for her... and for me. And I really don't know what to do besides just listen to her... but what if that stops working? What if she does something...? She lives next door to the guy who did it to her... what if it happens again?

    :( I guess, only time will tell. Thank you for your care, Jenny.
     
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