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Typing my note up...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by randomguy9, Mar 29, 2011.

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  1. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    My life once again hangs in the balance of a test... Math evidently is not my strong suit which is a problem. If i keep my current major I will need some calculus s and I am fucking up algebra...

    I am taking only 1 class and am still triggered daily...

    I vowed long ago to never fail again... school, sports, job hunting... I have fucked up more in 21 years then most people do in there entire lives.

    It has become clear to me that life is determined by genetics and direction more then anything else. I was not born smart, or athletic, or creative enough so I never will know success.

    If my hard work pays off I will find a way to go on... but for now I am typing my note up so I can disappear and end it all on Monday if my test comes back disappointing.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Random, good luck with your results..please do let us know how you get on. Don't let one test determine whether you should live or die, you're worth more than that. Im around if you want to chat.
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    sounds like you are being kind of harsh on yourself

    are you in therapy?
  4. NightPetals

    NightPetals Active Member

    You are not unworthy!! Life is not measured by talent or looks, it is by heart. Trust me, no matter how smart or beautiful a person may be, without health or the ability to interpret love for those around them, life means nothing. You are already giving your best, and that is something to be VERY proud of. Don't be so hard on yourself. There is MUCH more to life than that math exam, so even if you failed it, there is no need to end it all. Results are not important, if you worked hard, give yourself a pat on the back for a great job well-done. I see that you already have, so no matter what the results are, be proud of yourself for the effort you have given. :hugtackles: :) :hugtackles:
  5. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    I can't finish this damned note... I do not know what to say. It will hurt them but it will not be a fraction of what I have felt almost daily for as long as i can remember.

    I will let you know... if you dont hear in a week you can assume I am dead. I am not worth more then that... I am contributing nothing to the word, I am worthless, i have no close friends I expect to keep...

    I am being honest... those who do not find what they are good at by my age are damned to have shitty jobs... I have no close friends, never had a girlfriend, couldn't think relationships since I am so fucked up, I HATE MY FUCKING JOB, and these FUCKING LIVING ARRANGEMENTS... and I am sick of watching others succeed and good things happen when nothing happens to me. My grades were the only thing that gave me hope things could change. They are gone... one class, and i do not have the working excuse since I could not find a job with regular hours...
  6. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    I can understand that, all of it.
    I am 22, only half way through college and already my future looks like crap.
    I have basically no discernible skills or talent.
    I am stuck in the same spot.
  7. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    sorry u r putting ur lifes worth in a math test
  8. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I think that your worth is much greater than you may know. I hope that you'll be able to change your perspective. If not, I wish you as much comfort and peace as possible.

  9. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    You all misunderstand so much
    The grade of the test does not determine his value but rather his life choices for the future
    I know what it is like for much of your future to come down to a single grade, deciding whether you can do what you truly want or not
  10. majorlynch

    majorlynch Active Member

    Two years ago my step brother killed himself.
    The family were devastated, they're still not even close to happy.
    Your family and friends will be devastated too, the feeling of powerlessness will never leave them.

    But back to the most important person of all right now.....you.

    Your close friends do not decide your value and never will. I have none of the friends I had in school and college and thats normal enough. I was bullied in school and college and as an adult I couldn't care less about it.

    Are you sure your not contributing to the world? In times like these if your continuing living is making even one person happy, even if its just a parent, then you life has huge value and meaning.

    What age are you my friend?
    Unless your old and infirm there is plenty of time to get a girlfriend, and even then......

    I'm sorry you hate your job and living arrangements but these things are nothing compared to the value of your life. if you have ever made anyone happy in your life it has had value. If you can in the future you have value remaining.

    Your grades?
    They may seem like society rates you with them, but many people have quit school and led great lives. I'm not suggesting you quit school but a bad grade is not the end of the world. Your entire life is what is graded after you are gone. Not the markings of a single exam. Give yourself a chance at a long life.

    Think about all of your options, and remember you're not alone.
  11. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I'm sure there is some way you can get help with math at your school. Stay after class with the teacher or maybe look for some sort of tutoring group. There's also private tutors...you have to pay them by the hour, but if you only go once before every test so they can help you study, that won't be too expensive. Even if you fail the class, you can always take it again and do better next time. One class doesn't ruin your entire life even if you fail it.
  12. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    Just checking up...

    I took the test and well it took me the entire class period which is not a good sign. Usually I have the time to check answers and catch a few mistakes...

    even if i did pass there is no way I know it well enough for the final, or to move up in math...

    I do not see the point of living without a career path and success in something in the very near future.
  13. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    maybe working on ur social skills and emotional health would be a lot more rewarding ?
  14. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    I am getting the grade back either tomorrow or Tuesday I think... the damned note has sapped my strength.. suicide honestly seems like the most logical thing to do... but I am not going to have the strength to do it.

    I wish it was that easy...
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