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UGH! *language!*

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Those three letters form the onomatopoeic word that sums up my entire life. You see, I find my entire existence is just… ugh. It’s not that I don’t have anything to live for. Far from it, I have everything to live for, I “have the whole world ahead of me”, of which I’m reminded every day by my well-meaning mother, who seems to oscillate with alarming frequency between trying to be sympathetic and understanding of my depression and getting angry because I can’t just shake it off and get on with life. She’s right though, I’m incredibly lucky. I have a loving family, a few really great supportive friends and am studying at university with good marks; I excel in French and am going there to visit my friends I made on my exchange at the end of the year. I have hobbies, I love singing and I play the piano and I do enjoy doing all this stuff.

And yet, while it looks good on paper, something is missing. Something isn’t right, something is quite wrong – yeah, that Miss Clavel was on to something – I just can’t find anything that makes me feel better. Actually that’s a lie. There was something that made me feel better, made me feel complete, made me feel like everything was going to turn out fine. Something that made me see what it was like to feel safe, something that made me want to never look back or question it. Someone… Someone who felt like home.

But that’s over now, and the things that used to complete me, give me that sense of completion that I crave so much I can’t breathe don’t work anymore. I used to be able to watch a movie or hear a certain song – Fallin’ by Alicia Keys in case you’re wondering – and feel that charm, it’s like a switch… you can feel the electricity flowing through your veins, feel the weight that seems to hold you down all the time just lift… but now, I just feel numb.

That someone made me feel as good inside as the depression makes me feel down… made me so happy that the feelings of horrible darkness were immediately replaced by an extreme high… I’ll never need to try drugs because nothing will ever top that high, and it came from anything, a phone call, a text message, a fucking photograph that I’d see on a friends’ screensaver… I just can’t handle that feeling being gone… and now not only does that someone not feel that way for me, but my feelings are starting to wane themselves and I’m scared, I’m just so scared that if I stop feeling that way about them I’ll never feel it again about anyone… scared that if I don’t stop feeling that way I’ll just give up life because they’d rather be with someone their family like and society expects them to be with than me.

I can’t help it and this someone treats me like shit, like absolute shit… I’m writing this while I wait for them to call me back, even though I know they won’t, they never will, it’s been an hour and they’ve surely gone to bed. And yet here I sit, waiting, and I’ll wait forever because it’s better to know for certain I’ll get that high from a secret glance we share across a room than to stop feeling it for her and never feel it again in my life.

Why aren’t the pills helping? Why aren’t the pills helping me like they help all my friends? Why aren’t I good enough, I’m a disappointment and a failure and I just want to give up… I never will, I know I can’t, I just wish someone would do it for me. I just wish someone would do it for me… I just can’t handle it anymore, I’m so so tired.

If it wasn’t for my work with children I actually think I’d just take the pills and go to sleep… it’s such an easy option… I’m only eighteen but what point is there in living another sixty years of mediocrity and mendacity when I can just stop now? I find the mere prospect exhausting.

I’m not looking for attention or compliments or anything… I just wanted someone to know and someone to understand… I can never tell anyone I know all of this so I’ll tell you people.

I’m sorry if you wasted your time reading this.
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