ugh...struggling today.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by johnnyo, Nov 29, 2010.

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  1. johnnyo

    johnnyo Member

    Had a total lack of motivation yesterday to do anything useful...headache most of the day. Woke up this morning and for some reason immediately my brain has been putting forth its downward spiral thoughts of following through with my plans. Wife is out of town on work today and will be again in a few days. I spent my 45 minute drive into work working through in my head the final details...interspersed with a few thoughts of all the crap I'd be leaving for others to clean up (my business, finances, etc.), but I've been beyond the point of caring too much about all that for quite a while now. I know logically its not the right thing to do, but I feel like I don't really have much control anymore over my mind, and if I make the decision to go for it it will take all of a couple minutes to set up and then I'll be well on my way to finding inner peace....or at least not feeling any more pain/despair. I realize that the feelings often pass, but they are so much more frequent than ever before....almost 50% of the days for the last month or so. I'm not sure if they will pass again...and I don't really care if they do or not. I don't know why I'm telling all this on this forum. Maybe I just want someone who I don't know, who doesn't know me, to know. I get the feeling there are lots of people here who can kind of understand. If I decide to go through with things I realize no one here will know since no one knows I'm even on here (though I suppose the mods could trace things back and notify someone) and I guess that doesn't matter either. I can't bring myself to ask for help from friends/wife/family, to call a crisis line, to go to the hospital, my doctor, etc. for fear of the result, embarassment, exposing the weak self that I am. Ugh....that's all I have to say. Thanks for reading....:sigh:
     
  2. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    There is no shame in needing help so ask for it. Crisis lines are a good start.
     
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    you are not weak you are very strong to have survived feeling suicidal for so long. that's how i look at it.
     
  4. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    johnny-what brings these thoughts on? Talk to us, I can understand how you feel. Im also married with kids and know how lonely it can feel to have noone understand.
     
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    There is no reason to feel like you need help..There are hundreds of thousands of people who suffer from depression and have sought out help.. It's nothing to be ashamed about..You just need to get the right mind set and seek the help..
     
  6. johnnyo

    johnnyo Member

    Thank you all for your comments. I've asked for help in the past and have worked stuff out in the past too. This time I'm just too tired to try and I'm in a whole new environment where some of the people in my life won't understand. And I'm beyond wanting to talk about what's got me going down this path (I shared some in my earlier posts). I've decided I'm going to visit a church tonight to have a conversation with God. I'm not really a religious person and haven't been to church or prayed to God in years, but I really feel like I don't have any options that I can use, so maybe i'll see what God has to say, if anything.

    Sorry that I'm really not posting much info or doing much to try to help myself. I'm just at the end of my rope and don't have the energy or will to do anything about it anymore. I do appreciate you trying to help, but I know I have to want to help myself for anything to work, and I'm just not there anymore.
     
  7. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I hope it brings you peace like it does so many others. Good Luck Johnny
     
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