ugh.... *trigger?..*

[eih]

basically this is just me writing down my problems.. talking it out with myself.. boring..

I dont know why I'm even making this thread.. I feel suicidal feeling everyday so its nothing new.. some reason.. these past couple days have just been torturing me.. I really.. really just wanna throw in the towel.. I'm starting to plan a date I should go through with it.. soon.. by the end of the year.. that'd be good.. my reasons for suicide arn't even that valid compared to alot of people I feel horrible!!.. I have an ok life.. not the richest person.. not the brightest person.. not the prettyest person.. I just have an ok life.. other people have it much worse than me..

... I really should just die... the other day my best friend who I talk about suicide often to told me she told another of our friends about me being suicidal... this crushed me some reason.. I made her promise she would at least tell any of our friends after my parents found out.. and she tells our friend.. then I get really pissed at my friend.. and she just says.. I'm sorry you worry me so much I can't take it... I felt so bad.. what i've dropped on her.. I just expect her to listen to me about suicide.. I never realized it could affect someone who wasnt suicidal so much... so now I dont talk to her about it that much anymore.. now really I dont talk to any one about it.. except here.. my crappy psyciatrist.. and my teacher..

I really just dont like most people in general.. I find most ppl to be jerks:sad: thats not good.. I try and be nice to everyone.. not to many people try to return the favor.. I get picked on .. and I used to get picked on at school alot more.. hell I even got picked on by almost my whole family (including extended family) at a family reunion.. camping thing.. what the hell.. what kind of people would do that do a teenage girl?!.. anyway.. I'm sick of it ... if people find the need to pick on me so much i shouldnt even be here.. would that please them?.. ... I'm just so emotionally weak.. anything really gets to me.. I barely have any good friends.. the people I hang out with barely know my name... I used to be overweight... I still feel like that..

... blah.. and my moms trying to force religeon on me!!! what the hell?.. she's like.. ok you got a new shirt... a psyciatrist and now u need jesus.. and you'll stop being suicidal.. I'm like.. omg... no.. please no.. I"d like the pick my own religeon if any please?!!??! and she's like.. wha u dont believe in jesus?! .. its just like geeeeeeeesh leave me the hell alone.. try and find out the real problems.. then come back to me.. try and help

and even though right now I dont partically like my parents ... they're are like becomeing emotionally... distant.. to me... they're just not there anymore.. I try to smile and crap at them and they're just like blah..

anyway thats it for now...................... I shud really just die

 

[ooo]

how does your family pick on you?

 

[ooo]

i mean are you sure they aren't just joking around, or do they cross the line into just plain insulting?

 

[Dead_Alive]

I think your mom just cares about you. She may be worried about you and that is why she is pushing you so hard. I am a Christian and yes trusting Jesus really does help but understand that when your suicidal you can't see anything but that black pit of hopelessness. If someone was to throw you a life line you would not see it. Only you can climb out of that pit but fortunately there are people around you that can see down in that pit and help you out of it.

That takes risk. You have to decide if your going to let people in to help you or whether you actually like being suicidal and are comfortable where you are. Believe me you can get quite used to being suicidal... I been suicidal for years... so I really know what it is like.

There is a good book your mom needs to get and it is called :The Bondage Breaker" by Neil Anderson. She needs to read it and go over it with you and a pastor or someone that is good with counseling. It is a heavy book but you know... it helped me... and I worked through the exercises and over time... I started feeling better. But I had to make a choice... did I want help? Or was I comfortable to remain depressed. You must decide that as well.

 

[sadness2006]

I understand how it would piss you off about your family making fun of you, I have dealt with that in the past. It's something you have to let roll down your back. It's hard but with all the stupid, mean people I've met in my life, I've learned a very important lesson. I learned that I don't want to act like them in anyway, shape, or form. You seem very young, and you haven't really experienced life yet. Realize that one day you will be out on your own, you can do whatever you want, your parents won't be there to judge you, and if your family keeps acting like morons towards you at family functions, you don't have to go to them. I really hope you don't take your own life, because you probably have a lot to offer the world, even though people want to drag you down, don't believe them.

 

[LetItGo]

You know that cliche:

"Other people have it much worse than me, why do I feel like this" (or something similiar) - Somehow that never seems to make me feel better, or get me motivated to not feel the way I do. Trying to make yourself feel guilty doesnt work.

Im gradually learning that you simply cant compare your life to other people, whether that be the girl down the road, or in the middle of Africa. Your battle is just as valid as anybody elses.

I know whats it like to be picked on in school, I went through that a lot in early high school, mainly because I wasnt into surfing (it was a religion where I was). Kids can be really cruel..I look back at that now and just recognize it for what it was..a bunch of kids lashing out. Its an unfortunate part of growing up and often wonder whether I would send my kids to school (should I ever have any). Id seriously consider home schooling if I could afford it.

Religion is such a personal matter. Ive meet many people online that are being coerced into believing some sort of religion..usually catholics or christians, and normally the evangelical variety. It seems to be pretty common in the U.S. Ive also meet many agnostics and athiests who I think have a partially come to there position in rebellion against this coercion.

If you ever need to chat about any of this, pop into the chat channel or send me a PM

 

[Darken]

Sounds like your mom's only making it worse for you? Why is she so stuck on forcing her religion on you?

 

[eih]

wow thanks for all the responses..

ooo-.. I can take a joke.. I have a pretty good sense of humor for a depressed person.. they just seem to cross the line alot

Dead_Alive- yeah I know she's just concerened.. but its just so overwhelming alot of the time. I guess I was raised a christian.. we never go to church and I'm not sure if I believe it all.. I guess all and all.. I'm sick of feeling like this.. I'm either going to get better or let these people help me.. I'll try to let them help me :unsure:

sadness2006- thank u.. I'll try not to let them .. bring me down

MJ- thx .. yeah getting picked on is just so hard.. I've been thinking of budism.. seems to make the most sense to me

Zohmygob- yeah she's totally making it worse.. I dunno whys she's tryin to force her religeon on me.. she doesnt even go to church:huh:

 

[ace]

eih I understand how you're feeling and it's the depression that does it to you it's not you as a person,my Dr and other's have told me this so many times yet I like others go back into thinking it's always us that's the problem.everyone has their own private suffering so comparing your pain to other's is'nt fair on yourself also as MJ pointed out very well.
The guilt factor comes in as a part of depression and I get that myself all to often,I don't think it's because you cant take a joke it's probably because you may not be feeling the best so the joke could be taken as something else as many thing's would be.sadly the depression colour's everything in our lives and turn's them for the worst and we are constantly use to that negative way of thinking and feeling.

 

[eih]

thx 4 understanding..

this guilt is horrid..

today in biology.. I just felt the worst sadness and just like hopelessness... it was like the worst I've ever felt.. :sad: I dunno why... I still feel like crap... I was going to talk to my teacher after school cause I was freaking out.. but he was busy..:sad:

 

[eih]

grrrr.. and why the hell do I have to bug my poor teacher so much.. the poor guy.. I'm greedy as hell...

 

[thesilence]

Sounds like you're pitying yourself a bit.

You keep saying you should die...Why?

Excluding the fact that you think you're guilty or greedy, or needy or being picked on, or that you feel like this and have no "valid" reason too.

Everyone gets guilty and greedy and needy, everryone gets picked on, and there is no need to have a reason for bein depressed.

Also, concider this: If you should die, if you're supposed to die...don't you think you would have? By saying that you should or you're supposed to, you're voiceing a possibly unconcious belief in fate. And if you were supposed to die, you'd have already gone.

 

[Will]

thx 4 understanding..

this guilt is horrid..

today in biology.. I just felt the worst sadness and just like hopelessness... it was like the worst I've ever felt.. :sad: I dunno why... I still feel like crap... I was going to talk to my teacher after school cause I was freaking out.. but he was busy..:sad:

Hi Eih,

I just wanted to say that I've felt pretty bad today as well. But I think you should tell you're teacher. I don't think you were really being greedy or anything like that. They are there to help, and I bet they'd like it better if you told them.

Let me know if you ever need to talk

 

[eih]

no.. actually.. believe it or not.. I don't really feel sorry for myself.. I feel sorry for anyone who has to deal with me at all

why should I die? ..well theres a long list on why I should die that I dont feel like typing.. I've always felt I'd die early.. just a feeling


yeah.. I've talked to the teacher b4.. + thx