UGH! I'm so confused. Guys confuse me. Life confuses me. I think I'm having a break down or something. It's like there's so much going on and so much that I have to do and think about that it's just overflowing. I don't understand why...none of these things is big deal and none of 'em is going to take that long to do and I shouldn't be worried or scared...but I think I am because I've got this headache and I'm starting to shake, well my hands are. Okay, first I haven't done any homework all weekend-I don't have much and it wont take more than 2 hours to do but its still so stressful. Mostly, it's just reading. And I have to take a quiz and then write a paragraph for my online course, but that's not hard at all. Ugh, and Saturday I went off on my dad because he was yelling at my brother like crazy-again-in front of the whole damn cross country team because my brother didnt do as well as Dad wanted him to. He does it all the time, and he does it to me and to Mom and I just got really pissed off-so I went off on him in front of everybody. He's a big dick and I was just tired of him pushing us around like we're dust or something. Shut him up for the most part, but I haven't talked to him since. He even like pushes my mom into walls sometimes, and i guess i just snapped. At least I'm staying at my grandparents, which is like 2 blocks away, while they're in Kansas City visiting a friend for the next 6 days so I wont have to see him for a while. And yesterday my boyfriend came over and I spent the day with him, and I let him stay the night since nobody was here and told him that he could leave in the morning before my parents got up, just in case my parents stopped by to check up on me in the morning like they did a couple months ago when I was staying here(my grandparents travel a lot, so I stay here when theyre gone). He said it was fine, but when 630 came around he wanted to stay in bed, so we went back to bed for an hour. He didn't want to leave. He wanted to spend today with me too. But my parents will stop by sometime today and I told them he wouldn't be here today. He kept giving me excuses I could tell them, but I know they wouldn't believe any of them! What if I got caught? I'd be in so much trouble!! And Id get in big ass trouble when they found out he was still here regardless because they think he went to work last night(they still dont know that he hasn't had job since June). I wish he could have stayed, but I have work to do, and it's hard to do work when he's here ya know? Ugh...and now I'm really sad because he's kind of mad because I can't stand up to my parents. Do you know how hard it was to yell and cuss at him and have everybody look at me? I tried!!! And now my Dad's pissed at me and my mom(she backed me up when I yelled at him), so the punishment would be really bad. And now I'm in this big house alone-well, theres a dog-and i hate being alone, expecially when I'm this stressed or whatever. I have no idea what to do. And I'm waiting on my acceptance letter from the University of IL...like what if I dont get in? I just sent it in a week ago, so I dont expect to hear from them anytime soon but it's worrying me. UGH!!!!! I just keep crying, liek I don't know what's wrong. Sometimes i think that'd the only way to cure myself is just to end my life...but I'm still scared to do that. There's jsut so much crap going on right now and I have no idea why or anything. It just didn't start today when eveyrthing boiled up either. I woke up Thursday and wanted to bawl because I felt so terrible and useless for some reason. And nothing was then. I'll be really happy for a couple of days-like overly-and then I'll feel like the worst person in the world without warning. That's how I'll feel now. I can't even focus! And I really need to because not only do i have homework, but I have to go to class tomorrow and meet somebody very important. I'm so freakin upset and sad and I don't know.... And my grandma's friend keep calling looking for her because he has something very urgent to tell her-but she's in Kansas City and I can't get a hold of her. SO...he keeps calling and driving over and everybody I've called looking for her keep calling and it's getting annoying, and kind of upsetting. JUST QUIT CALLING!!! I'll call you when I know what the fuck is going on!!! My grandma will call you when she gets your messages!! ...I just had to vent. Thanks for reading if you got this far.