I had an opportunity not to feel this horrible way, which is how I feel right the **** now. Ugh, this is sounding like a "Let It All Out" rant. Friday could have been it. This "dead while alive" feeling could have resulted in a better way than my still being here. What the hell do I expect? Do I really believe that my disability would ever get better, that society would change, that they'd ever return to me? Right now, I could be on the island. I have what many want. It could end so suddenly and so peacefully for me, yet, I'm still here. I gave my promise to her not to go until a weekday. I will keep that promise until. After that, if I don't die, it'll prove that I am weaker than I imagined. I have every reason to end my life. There is nothing to keep me here, especially since for me, death will be so easy.