Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by jcat, May 22, 2010.

  1. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    I dont know where to start. I guess ill start with my cutting. Im at it again. I cut a few minutes ago. Its the only thing that helps. I cant cope with life on its own terms. I dont know how. When I get upset I cut. When im mad I do it too. Why? I have no idea why. Its just the way I cope. Ive slowly been withdrawing from everyone. Family, friends, people from sf...wait, sf is my life. Or was. Ive slowly been fading away. My sister told me to drop dead the other day on facebook. Oh well. Feck it. Dont need her anyway. Ive changed my life too. I dont use drugs anymore. Ive moved 1500 miles away from all my family. What more can I do there. Im scared to go anywhere. Do anything. I dont talk to anyone in texas or california anymore. I sit in my room with the tele on and the lights out so I dont have to see myself or shadow. I hate looking in the mirror cos I see who I am and what I am. I hate myself. I hate what ive become. I recluse that doesnt go anywhere for fear of everything. I dont talk to anyone thats not online. I dont eat like im supposed to. I dont do anything im supposed to besides taking my meds. But what use is that when I have nothing good to look forward to.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    sorry you are in such a dark place and so isolated. the o nly way out is to reach out get involved in some community groups. Take a class of interest just to be others like yourself Do you have a doctor there you can talk to someone that can get you into some therapy The more you isolate the worse things will get. Do something you enjoy volunteer work even but get out of the space you have made okay get out in the air go for walks I am glad you reached out here but you need to do more okay Don't leave it too long as it will only get harder.
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I wish I had the courage to move 1500 miles away from everything that I knew. That way I could change. I have so many hate filled and sorrow filled memories living where I am. They all drag me down, I just want to run. Sometimes I feel like I could just start driving and see how far I could go before I stopped.

    I know it is hard, however, now that you are far away try to reinvent yourself. You have a oppurtunity to become what you want. No one to fear your change or talk you out of it. Like I said I wish I had the courage you have to just up and move. Try finding a club, for me I found an anime club... once I get past my social anxiety I will go to it. However, it is a start. You can become what you want.

    Remember you are in a new and fresh place. You have nothing to lose by changing who you are.
  4. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    it was hard to move. but it was for the best. i left everyone and everything i had except clothes and my laptop. im a prisoner in my own mind. :( this site is my only out. i come into chat and sit there til i cant take it anymore then leave. ill come back later and get paranoid and leave. i dont know what to do. my grandmother was like this too. she never went out as long as i can remember. but oh well. im going out to the pharmacy in a few minutes and im scared shitless. but i need to go so i can get my meds. ive been out since friday. they raised my amount to take on everything and i guess well see if it helps any.
  5. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    My counselor tells me that the only thing I can do to reduce my paranoia and anxiety when I leave my room-- is to leave my room more often.
    It's really scary; but exposure is really your best bet to feeling a bit better.

    I'm in no shape to be trying to volunteer; but if you think you could do okay around some people for a couple of hours- you should look into any community events or church events (because people are normally old and harmless at those ones, lol) that you could help out at.

    The longer you wait to do something about it- the worse it'll get...