Haven't been on here because I thought I was gonna be okay. I was feeling fine. Things were going well. I could deal with everything. Pfft. I was wrong.
I can't. I can't do this. I love my friends more than pretty much anyone. But I can't do it. I can't be their support. I'm not good enough. I can't help them. Especially not now. Not when I'm upset with one of them and not when I'm upset with myself.
The bad feelings towards her are falling. I can move on. I can't shake the ones directed at myself. I'm such a fucking hypocrite- I told her not to direct negative feelings towards herself and here I am, doing it to myself. I'm such a failure. A worthless failure. Why the fuck am I here? Someone should just...murder me or something. I don't have the guts to do it myself. Plus I feel like murder would hurt those left behind less than suicide would.
I hate it. I hate myself. I hate life. I hate the fact that I'm too damn nice to people. I hate the fact that I'm easily manipulated BECAUSE I'm too nice. I hate the fact that I can't say no. I hate that I can't help my friends. I hate that when I'm the tiniest bit upset with someone I get called a bitch because normally I'm too nice. I hate the fact that, when I try to stand up for myself, I get called a bitch. I hate that I'm a pushover. I hate that I'm a failure. I hate that I want to just go even though so many things are going right. I hate myself for being ugly and fat and stupid and worthless and lazy and I'm running out of adjectives. I hate that I can't stay mad at anyone without feeling guilty about it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate that I can't even be honest and get help. I hate that I let people convince me that I'm wonderful. Because I'm not. I'm a terrible, horrible person. I don't deserve love. But I crave it. Because I'm selfish.
I can't. I can't do this. I love my friends more than pretty much anyone. But I can't do it. I can't be their support. I'm not good enough. I can't help them. Especially not now. Not when I'm upset with one of them and not when I'm upset with myself.
The bad feelings towards her are falling. I can move on. I can't shake the ones directed at myself. I'm such a fucking hypocrite- I told her not to direct negative feelings towards herself and here I am, doing it to myself. I'm such a failure. A worthless failure. Why the fuck am I here? Someone should just...murder me or something. I don't have the guts to do it myself. Plus I feel like murder would hurt those left behind less than suicide would.
I hate it. I hate myself. I hate life. I hate the fact that I'm too damn nice to people. I hate the fact that I'm easily manipulated BECAUSE I'm too nice. I hate the fact that I can't say no. I hate that I can't help my friends. I hate that when I'm the tiniest bit upset with someone I get called a bitch because normally I'm too nice. I hate the fact that, when I try to stand up for myself, I get called a bitch. I hate that I'm a pushover. I hate that I'm a failure. I hate that I want to just go even though so many things are going right. I hate myself for being ugly and fat and stupid and worthless and lazy and I'm running out of adjectives. I hate that I can't stay mad at anyone without feeling guilty about it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate that I can't even be honest and get help. I hate that I let people convince me that I'm wonderful. Because I'm not. I'm a terrible, horrible person. I don't deserve love. But I crave it. Because I'm selfish.
