Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by spiritxfade, Aug 15, 2011.

  1. spiritxfade

    spiritxfade Well-Known Member

    Haven't been on here because I thought I was gonna be okay. I was feeling fine. Things were going well. I could deal with everything. Pfft. I was wrong.

    I can't. I can't do this. I love my friends more than pretty much anyone. But I can't do it. I can't be their support. I'm not good enough. I can't help them. Especially not now. Not when I'm upset with one of them and not when I'm upset with myself.

    The bad feelings towards her are falling. I can move on. I can't shake the ones directed at myself. I'm such a fucking hypocrite- I told her not to direct negative feelings towards herself and here I am, doing it to myself. I'm such a failure. A worthless failure. Why the fuck am I here? Someone should just...murder me or something. I don't have the guts to do it myself. Plus I feel like murder would hurt those left behind less than suicide would.

    I hate it. I hate myself. I hate life. I hate the fact that I'm too damn nice to people. I hate the fact that I'm easily manipulated BECAUSE I'm too nice. I hate the fact that I can't say no. I hate that I can't help my friends. I hate that when I'm the tiniest bit upset with someone I get called a bitch because normally I'm too nice. I hate the fact that, when I try to stand up for myself, I get called a bitch. I hate that I'm a pushover. I hate that I'm a failure. I hate that I want to just go even though so many things are going right. I hate myself for being ugly and fat and stupid and worthless and lazy and I'm running out of adjectives. I hate that I can't stay mad at anyone without feeling guilty about it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate that I can't even be honest and get help. I hate that I let people convince me that I'm wonderful. Because I'm not. I'm a terrible, horrible person. I don't deserve love. But I crave it. Because I'm selfish.
  2. Sais

    Sais Well-Known Member


    You reminded me of someone I know, he always used to say that we stop being children only when we learn to say no. So for me, the fact that you can't say no, it's a good thing. But I also know how weird it can be in real life. But that's a nice thought anyway.
    I hope you get better :)
  3. spiritxfade

    spiritxfade Well-Known Member

    Thanks. But I hate not being able to say no. Because it lets people take advantage of me. And I'm sick of it.

    It still is a nice thought, I guess. Just not right now. :/