Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by zanzi1021, Sep 4, 2007.

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  1. zanzi1021

    zanzi1021 New Member

    Hey guys,

    I'm not like really suicidal, but this forum offers a lot of help. I have thought that people wouldn't be missing anything if I left, and maybe I should just disappear. But whatever...

    For the past year my life has been hellish for the most part. For my entire life my dad has been horrible to me, but maybe I didn't realize it was his behavior. I always blamed it on myself. I have to live up to my dad's standards. He is very verbally abusive to me and he has never accepted me for me. He always will want to make me into his own image. There is a huge culture clash within my family. He is arab, and expects me, living in America, to adopt every little aspect of his culture and religion (islam). It is ridiculous, because apparently I'm not arab enough for him. My mom celebrates christmas every year just to keep her family traditions and it isn't religious at all. This past year he started screaming at her for dirtying our minds with christmas, and I couldn't take it anymore. So I stepped up and looked him right in the eyes and told him to leave my mom alone and that he was cold hearted. He didn't take that very well, and so he screamed at me, stormed out of the house and went to the hospital, where he put on his pretty doctor face for everyone. He is known as the great doctor and father, but of course they don't know what happens inside the house.

    He didn't talk to me from December 24 until about end of june. 6 months of silence. But not complete silence, he would spit at me, call me an ass when I walked by, lock me out of the house, try to take everything away from me, while my mom helped support me but couldn't do much. We were finally forced to talk, but it is very shallow. A mere "hi" and "bye", but we both know that we are exactly the way we were in janurary and december and all of those 6 months. But now it is just masked and hidden, I suppose.

    Last year I went to Lebanon where war broke out. For two weeks I was there and it was horrific. I am still haunted by it every single day. Not a night goes by where I don't have a morbid dream and every day has random flash backs, they seem random.

    On top of that, basically everyone in my life has kicked me out, rejected me. My sister went to college and has tried to become more and more distant from me. She wouldn't call if I didn't call her. All of my friends don't call me, they don't even care. All of the people who I thought I could rely on have abandoned ship, and it is really crumby. So I'm alone now. Alone and miserable. My mom is really great, but everybody knows it would be amazing to have a few friends that just were there to share regular high school moments with. Of course not.

    On TOP of that, my aunt is dying of cancer. *tear*

    Everything bad is happening to me. I go to school and it is one flashback on top of the other, every day I live it reminds me of how miserable I am. The only thing keeping me is my deep love for science. I really want to do something to change and help the world, and I love math and science. The other thing is my family, they would be mortified if I ever did something to myself. I am not that selfish. So really, a lot of things are keeping me from wanting to harm myself. I wouldn't consider myself in huge risk of committing suicide, but I am petrified that I even think about it. I am scared one day something will just come down that is too hard to handle and I'll just...make a bad decision. I don't know how to help myself right now. My dad will never understand, and my social problems don't seem they will get better. They have always been bad. Everything comes together and makes me just...miserable.

    Sorry for such a long post...
  2. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you're feeling so down. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you don't think anyone will miss you if you go.

    I'm here to talk if you need me. Also, PM me if you'd like my screename.
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