I'm not an overly dramatic person so I wouldn't say that I had any plans to kill myself but I feel like I want to die. Whether this is the same as 'being suicidal' is to be debated. All I know right now is that nothing offers me comfort and I'm living so dissociated I cannot connect with anyone, even family. The silver lining is that this means the pain has lessened recently. But unfortunately it doesn't stop me seeing how ugly the world.......and being zoned out makes it all the easier to imagine not having to see it at all. I don't want to sound pessimistic. I'm not even moaning, I just hate everything and everyone. That is my reality. My emotional issues are so minimal they hardly matter. But randomly I hate hearing about everyone elses issues and pain because it is exhausting and repellent. Seems ironic to be on a suicide forum...... I think I'm just really tired of living. I'm tired of every part of it. I am trying hard to feel connected to someone or something but it is all ugly and irrelevant. I wouldn't say I was lonely because I could meet up with people, I could make friends, I have the potential to do quite a bit....but being with other people makes me feel contaminated. Not that I think I'm egotistically better, I'm not, but being with other people reminds me of how horrific I am and all this life is. I'm wasting years of my life. I know the only way to receive/connect is to give but I don't really care about being friendly and loving because I cannot find anything or anyone that means anything to me. I'm not saying there aren't nice, kind, caring, intelligent and supportive people, because I've met many of these, but they remain meaningless to me so I just walk away from them eventually. If i could feel how other people do and be able to put a meaning/worth to anything or anyone I would admit that this post sounds selfish and ungrateful.....but i cannot so I don't feel that. I'm not able to feel guilty about something I don't understand. But I want to feel human, I want to connect with people. I don't dislike people.......i just feel so disconnected that when i try and connect I feel unclean. I feel as though I'm watching the world through mucky glass. I feel like everything around me is an illusion, fiction, a lie. I have trouble realising that I exist and I'm not just a ghost. I feel like i'm in a bad dream, but even that dream doesn't exist as an extention of a reality. I don't know why I am posting. I think I may be trying to connect? Ultimately I'm looking for that someone or something that will be able to convince me I am alive, and that being alive is a good blessing.