Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SweetSurrender, Mar 27, 2010.

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  1. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    I'm not an overly dramatic person so I wouldn't say that I had any plans to kill myself but I feel like I want to die. Whether this is the same as 'being suicidal' is to be debated.

    All I know right now is that nothing offers me comfort and I'm living so dissociated I cannot connect with anyone, even family. The silver lining is that this means the pain has lessened recently. But unfortunately it doesn't stop me seeing how ugly the world.......and being zoned out makes it all the easier to imagine not having to see it at all.

    I don't want to sound pessimistic. I'm not even moaning, I just hate everything and everyone. That is my reality. My emotional issues are so minimal they hardly matter. But randomly I hate hearing about everyone elses issues and pain because it is exhausting and repellent.

    Seems ironic to be on a suicide forum......

    I think I'm just really tired of living. I'm tired of every part of it. I am trying hard to feel connected to someone or something but it is all ugly and irrelevant. I wouldn't say I was lonely because I could meet up with people, I could make friends, I have the potential to do quite a bit....but being with other people makes me feel contaminated. Not that I think I'm egotistically better, I'm not, but being with other people reminds me of how horrific I am and all this life is.

    I'm wasting years of my life. I know the only way to receive/connect is to give but I don't really care about being friendly and loving because I cannot find anything or anyone that means anything to me. I'm not saying there aren't nice, kind, caring, intelligent and supportive people, because I've met many of these, but they remain meaningless to me so I just walk away from them eventually.

    If i could feel how other people do and be able to put a meaning/worth to anything or anyone I would admit that this post sounds selfish and ungrateful.....but i cannot so I don't feel that. I'm not able to feel guilty about something I don't understand.

    But I want to feel human, I want to connect with people. I don't dislike people.......i just feel so disconnected that when i try and connect I feel unclean. I feel as though I'm watching the world through mucky glass. I feel like everything around me is an illusion, fiction, a lie. I have trouble realising that I exist and I'm not just a ghost. I feel like i'm in a bad dream, but even that dream doesn't exist as an extention of a reality.

    I don't know why I am posting. I think I may be trying to connect? Ultimately I'm looking for that someone or something that will be able to convince me I am alive, and that being alive is a good blessing.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You write so clearly how you feel and i do think you want to be connected but just do not know how. I hope you have a therapist that can help you understand why you are this way. Talking to someone that knows this personal behavior and has helped others through his profession may be a way to get healing for you. Look around ask questions see if there is a psychologist that can help you. Talking here you may find others that can relate to you and can help you as well. I am glad you posted and hope you can find the healing you are wanting take care.
  3. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    you know i am going to really try hard to make this brief yet to the point. i happen to believe that somewhere way deep deep down inside of you there is a part of you trying to hope. it's probably and most likely what has led you to reach out even though it sounds as though you really don't expect much. but i will say again i see even just the tiniest ray of hope in you. i hope you will try to see this and accept this for yourself.

    you as well as everyone else are entitled to every bit of good that this world has to offer and there is a lot of it out there. when one has to work as hard as we who are challenged the most will have to the most awesome and fulfilling rewards i can't even put a price tag on it so to speak. i would just like to encourage you to keep talking. keep can work through all this and i will pray you too whether you believe in this or not...i will.. can find even the remotest bit of meaning for anything. you could use it. please take care you deserve the best you truely do
  4. Ezza121

    Ezza121 Active Member

    I'm really similar to you. I like to think i'm a person with lots of good friends but whenever i'm with them i just want to run away and be in a dark place where no one can see me. It really sucks.
  5. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Thankyou for replying. Yes I think deep down I really do want to connect. My life has been a massive void for too many years to count, but I am here because I desperately hope that I'm wrong and that life is worth living. The one and only thing that keeps me alive is the curious question as to why other people don't kill themselves in a mass suicide. I cannot understand why people keep living, there is obviously something worth living for.....maybe I can feel that one day.

    I have been seeing a therapist for well over a year now. I think she feels we are making progress but I really want to pull her into the black hole that is my life and get her to see that nothing has meaning for me, i feel no progress. It is so hard to get people to understand how disconnected I feel. For a second i'll think my therapist understands and then she says something that shows me she doesn't get it at all. It hurts to hell being in therapy. Again the only thing that keeps me attending week after week is the understanding that I have nothing else, I've tried medication, I've tried going it alone, I've tried so many different avenues. I have no other options.

    Sometimes I wonder what else I can do to help? I am a strong person - I have endured this depression for a very very long period of time. But i cannot endure this endless pain for too much longer. I have told my therapist on countless occasions how much it hurts and how it makes me feel like jumping into the black hole but there is nothing she can say or do to help me. I am on my own. It is a pity I cannot seem to save myself.

    I apologise for this post being a vent. I am having a very hard evening and I have a very difficult 2 weeks ahead of me.
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