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Ugly & Alone

randomguy9

Put's the "Pro" in Profanity
#1
I've always known looks aren't great. Always hurt on occasion but...

Well... at my old as fuck age I finally felt I had made it to a point where dating was a possibility.

With the pandemic...dating apps are the only option.

& that's where things become clear... I'm just to damn ugly. People say looks don't matter... but data shows that the top 20% of men get 80% of female attention on those... there is a minimum standard for a guy to have a chance at even a damn chat... let alone a meet...

(Before people say anything I'm not no swiping on women based on appearance, with the exception of seeing religious symbols on there clothing because religion & I have a bad history... & this is something that I think needs to line up to work)

Sense then... I've noticed everything wrong... I'm somewhat overweight... higher than normal hairline, below most women's preferred height...

I'm trying to remind myself of non appearance related qualities... but it doesn't fucking mater if a man is to ugly to even be considered...

At my age... probably only way to fix this would be some black market steroids... I don't have years to get in shape & this fucking pandemic had things closed anyway where I can't make the needed effort...

Suddenly... its always on my mind...
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#2
I've always known looks aren't great. Always hurt on occasion but...

Well... at my old as fuck age I finally felt I had made it to a point where dating was a possibility.

With the pandemic...dating apps are the only option.

& that's where things become clear... I'm just to damn ugly. People say looks don't matter... but data shows that the top 20% of men get 80% of female attention on those... there is a minimum standard for a guy to have a chance at even a damn chat... let alone a meet...

(Before people say anything I'm not no swiping on women based on appearance, with the exception of seeing religious symbols on there clothing because religion & I have a bad history... & this is something that I think needs to line up to work)

Sense then... I've noticed everything wrong... I'm somewhat overweight... higher than normal hairline, below most women's preferred height...

I'm trying to remind myself of non appearance related qualities... but it doesn't fucking mater if a man is to ugly to even be considered...

At my age... probably only way to fix this would be some black market steroids... I don't have years to get in shape & this fucking pandemic had things closed anyway where I can't make the needed effort...

Suddenly... its always on my mind...
I don't know what to begin with but, well I'm male, I can relate to you, you are not alone and I don't think you are ugly, though I'm not into dating.

I think the successes in dating of those 20% men is actually about confidence, not entirely appearance. Hence, if appearance is not something you are confident with, there are still many other stuffs you can put into how you describe yourself in those dating apps, such as your passions in life, mostly hobbies, works and achievements.

Stay strong, king.
 

lifetalkz

Well-Known Member
#3
I turned 58 on the 3rd, I definitely don't look on the outside the way that I feel on the inside.....in terms of wisdom though I'm light years ahead of where I was in my 20's and 30's. I know it sounds cliche' but I wouldn't want to hook up with someone who was only interested in my looks-those sorts of connections never last, they never go anywhere really so what's the point? It sounds to me like you're lonely and that really has nothing to do with looks. I hate to see you being so hard on yourself.....perhaps what you're really after is something deeper than surface...to be known and understood by someone you admire and desire. You're definitely in the right place to begin on SF. I certainly wish you the very best-LT
 

randomguy9

Put's the "Pro" in Profanity
#4
I think the successes in dating of those 20% men is actually about confidence, not entirely appearance. Hence, if appearance is not something you are confident with, there are still many other stuffs you can put into how you describe yourself in those dating apps, such as your passions in life, mostly hobbies, works and achievements..
Confidence can't be communicated in a few pictures. It's about genetic luck resulting in attraction.

I've tried in my profile to communicate my passions... but I'm sure women have no swipes without reading that a billion times
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#5
Confidence can't be communicated in a few pictures. It's about genetic luck resulting in attraction.

I've tried in my profile to communicate my passions... but I'm sure women have no swipes without reading that a billion times
This confidence is about how you see yourself. Are there anything you do or have done that you can be proud of? Focus on those things and learn how to be happy with yourself first before inviting another person into your life.

Appearance is only an aspect of life, where genetics play a role. For this, you cannot change (without exposing yourself to radiation or sort of) but there are still many other things you can do to improve your appearance, such as learning how to dress and posing.
 

randomguy9

Put's the "Pro" in Profanity
#6
This confidence is about how you see yourself. Are there anything you do or have done that you can be proud of? Focus on those things and learn how to be happy with yourself first before inviting another person into your life.

Appearance is only an aspect of life, where genetics play a role. For this, you cannot change (without exposing yourself to radiation or sort of) but there are still many other things you can do to improve your appearance, such as learning how to dress and posing.
I try to communicate what im proud of... but it can't be done in pictures...

& quite frankly no amount of clothing or posing can fix ugly...
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#7
I try to communicate what im proud of... but it can't be done in pictures...

& quite frankly no amount of clothing or posing can fix ugly...
Clothes are not meant to "fix" ugliness. They are meant to make you feel you are beautiful and handsome. Heck, I'll wear a pink dress and a pair of high heels if they make me feel good about myself but there are none of my size, though you don't have to do that. If clothes are not your thing, there are still hairstyles, beard styles, accessories (like watches and bracelets), tattoos, etc.

There is also this idea of turning your ugliness into a strength or a source of humor, like "I'm so ugly that your mama has to take the second place" - well, that's all I can think of.

If you want, you can check out Lizzie Velasquez on TED, just for a bit of distraction from what has been in your mind. She faced many problems because of ugliness.
 

randomguy9

Put's the "Pro" in Profanity
#8
Clothes are not meant to "fix" ugliness. They are meant to make you feel you are beautiful and handsome. Heck, I'll wear a pink dress and a pair of high heels if they make me feel good about myself but there are none of my size, though you don't have to do that. If clothes are not your thing, there are still hairstyles, beard styles, accessories (like watches and bracelets), tattoos, etc.

There is also this idea of turning your ugliness into a strength or a source of humor, like "I'm so ugly that your mama has to take the second place" - well, that's all I can think of.

If you want, you can check out Lizzie Velasquez on TED, just for a bit of distraction from what has been in your mind. She faced many problems because of ugliness.
I try to turn everything into humor...

I am not familiar with that TED speaker but... sounds like a woman. Women have a LOT more societal pressure to look physically attractive...


But far as finding dates... any woman can jump on a dating app & find options... guys... well... not so much if not hot...

I didn't used to care so much... but I didn't realize how bad it would impact me
 

Freya

Loves SF
Admin
SF Author
SF Supporter
#9
Dating apps are pretty stacked against guys, honestly. I haven’t checked one out for years but with this swiping thing it sounds like you’re referencing tinder. Maybe tinder just isn’t for you. A few years ago kg then best friend was on every dating app out there and nada (he was very average looking and his personality was definitely a little on the quirky side) then joined Bumble and Last he spoke to me he was living with the first girl that spoke to him there (he ghosted me after that but I believe they are still together).

Looks do matter in life and it’s foolish to suggest otherwise. They particularly matter if they are pretty much the only thing someone has to ‘go on’. I don’t know what you look like. I know you used to be in shape. I also know getting back in shape is perfectly possible. I lost 100lb in a year. I didn’t exercise to do it. You say you are ‘somewhat’ overweight which doesn’t sound like you need to shift nearly that much.

I’m not going to suggest you’re an Adonis but objectively speaking I’m relatively sure you’re not worse than ‘average’ looking and if you consider this logically, you will agree that the very vast majority of average looking and even ‘less typically attractive’ people find love and have relationships.

Dating apps do suck for men and I’m sorry that your confidence is taking a beating. We’ve talked about confidence and attitude a lot over the years and nothing has changed there.

I don’t know why you think you don’t have time to get in shape (we both know you’re a fair bit younger than me and I’m refraining from giving you a verbal punch in the nose for the old as shit comment!) but you definitely have years to get in shape if that’s what it takes, but it doesn’t take years - it takes effort. No black market steroids or trying to find the easy route. Just a bit of hard work and determination.

I do empathise with your issue. As a below averagely attractive human I understand that looks affect a lot of things and a lot of attitudes but I also know that most people are not societies idea of gorgeous (and most dating photos that look that was are filtered and perfectly posed and not ‘real’). Try to take a breath and be a bit more objective.

Finally, it’s nice to see you around, even if for not great reasons on your side!
 

randomguy9

Put's the "Pro" in Profanity
#10
Dating apps are pretty stacked against guys, honestly. I haven’t checked one out for years but with this swiping thing it sounds like you’re referencing tinder. Maybe tinder just isn’t for you. A few years ago kg then best friend was on every dating app out there and nada (he was very average looking and his personality was definitely a little on the quirky side) then joined Bumble and Last he spoke to me he was living with the first girl that spoke to him there (he ghosted me after that but I believe they are still together).

Looks do matter in life and it’s foolish to suggest otherwise. They particularly matter if they are pretty much the only thing someone has to ‘go on’. I don’t know what you look like. I know you used to be in shape. I also know getting back in shape is perfectly possible. I lost 100lb in a year. I didn’t exercise to do it. You say you are ‘somewhat’ overweight which doesn’t sound like you need to shift nearly that much.

I’m not going to suggest you’re an Adonis but objectively speaking I’m relatively sure you’re not worse than ‘average’ looking and if you consider this logically, you will agree that the very vast majority of average looking and even ‘less typically attractive’ people find love and have relationships.

Dating apps do suck for men and I’m sorry that your confidence is taking a beating. We’ve talked about confidence and attitude a lot over the years and nothing has changed there.

I don’t know why you think you don’t have time to get in shape (we both know you’re a fair bit younger than me and I’m refraining from giving you a verbal punch in the nose for the old as shit comment!) but you definitely have years to get in shape if that’s what it takes, but it doesn’t take years - it takes effort. No black market steroids or trying to find the easy route. Just a bit of hard work and determination.

I do empathise with your issue. As a below averagely attractive human I understand that looks affect a lot of things and a lot of attitudes but I also know that most people are not societies idea of gorgeous (and most dating photos that look that was are filtered and perfectly posed and not ‘real’). Try to take a breath and be a bit more objective.

Finally, it’s nice to see you around, even if for not great reasons on your side!
I tried most dating apps... most have a swipe function... Including the ones that I thought might give me a chance to show I'm interested in her not just her pictures...

Bumble from what I read is basically tinder where women have an easier time avoiding dealing with ugly males.

I never had the body of an in shape person... I was skinnier & had decent cardio For the activites I was doing... but never looked good.

My confidence went up a bit over time... but its back in the toilet...

The objective measure I see is zero dates... only one consistent thing there...
 

randomguy9

Put's the "Pro" in Profanity
#11
Every time i hear women talking about attractive guys...

I am triggered... I never thought my looks would be a cause for feeling suicidal...

But quite frankly a life where I can't get laid, let alone have a chance to experience mutual love...

I'm sick of this frustration...
 

randomguy9

Put's the "Pro" in Profanity
#12
I found myself really struggling on Saturday... just couldn't get how impossible it seems to ever like myself enough to persue a relationship...

& what does it matter if woman see me & I'm instantly in the friendzone? Even if I could shrink my gut a bit... still to short with a high hairline & a not great looking face. What does it matter if the thought of a creature like me being romantically... or sexually interested in her is repulsive?

I lost a couple hours of my day because of that... guess I wasn't technically stranded & I was in a safe place... but feared that in that mental place I could not safely drive so I stayed put until somehow I was a bit more calm.

& more than normal I DREADED the fucking video meeting for work... bad enough others see me but I get a constant reminder of the unfixable...
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#13
Every time i hear women talking about attractive guys...

I am triggered... I never thought my looks would be a cause for feeling suicidal...

But quite frankly a life where I can't get laid, let alone have a chance to experience mutual love...

I'm sick of this frustration...
I'm a woman and feel this so deeply. It's extremely difficult when you are feeling low to look at other people and not compare yourself. It's gotten me into a lot of emotional stress, and sometimes has me doing crazy, desperate things. I'm almost 50. It's embarrassing.

But I do agree with a lot of people here that a lot it comes from confidence. Find something in yourself you excel at. Are you funny? An intellect? Are you passionate about film, music or any other kind of art form? I find that when you can immerse yourself in a passion, the real you always comes out, and OMG that can be so attractive. Hang in there.
 

randomguy9

Put's the "Pro" in Profanity
#14
Between Valentine's Day & COVID... I just can't get my mind off of this...

It sounds like our President believes we will be using these fucking masks THROUGH 2022... these distancing rules aren't likely to go away before the masks do...

& with this... no chance to meet anyone. I've Learned the hard way that dating apps are for women & hot men... rest of us beta males are hopeless...

I could & probably should start working to lose some weight... & maybe lift those damn weights I bought a bit... but That isn't going to do anything To bring me into that top 20% of physically appealing men where a woman will consider giving me the time of day...

Ive tried to convince Myself that in person if I Can get past my shyness maybe I have a better chance... chance to show my non physical qualities...

But at this point it wouldn't surprise me if all social places permanently Close before we can get out...

I'm constantly lonly & frustrated... this is not a worthwhile life.

I'm a woman and feel this so deeply. It's extremely difficult when you are feeling low to look at other people and not compare yourself. It's gotten me into a lot of emotional stress, and sometimes has me doing crazy, desperate things. I'm almost 50. It's embarrassing.

But I do agree with a lot of people here that a lot it comes from confidence. Find something in yourself you excel at. Are you funny? An intellect? Are you passionate about film, music or any other kind of art form? I find that when you can immerse yourself in a passion, the real you always comes out, and OMG that can be so attractive. Hang in there.
I'm not funny on command... sometimes my wierd brain sees things in a humorous way that makes others laugh but... my job is the only thing I'm passionate about that I have access to... but dating within my office is probably unwise.
 

Lady Wolfshead

"Peace comes from within" - The Buddha
#15
I really feel this. Looks affect your whole life. I'm a woman that a significant number of males (and some females) seem to find actually repulsive - I have a broad face that was chubby even when I was slim, protuberant pale eyes, and rosacea-prone skin that is reddish and bumpy with enlarged pores. Now that I'm 52, despite rigorous skin care, my face sags a bit and I have jowls. People judge and discriminate against me for my looks on a daily basis--I don't really care with most of them, but sometimes it hurts. And I can use makeup which does help.

However, tastes vary widely. My husband thinks I am cute and beautiful and has for 25 years. He too is unconventional looking and was rejected by many women before he met me when he was 33 and I was 23. I think he is very handsome.

My point though is that you cannot have a victim attitude. I decided at age 21 that I would be single my whole life due to being called ugly by multiple men. Frankly I didn't think I was missing much as I had a very low opinion of males. After that, I was operating from a position of strength as I genuinely didn't care if I stayed single. Be fully happy within yourself, by yourself. Other people will sense it and respect you. I also guarantee you there are some women out there who will find you attractive.

This is a very real issue, though. My husband has a niece who is a gorgeous redhead with a sculpted face and long, wavy hair. It has been horrifying to me to see how much favoritism she enjoys on a daily basis (not her fault of course)-- from people of all ages, genders and races. I never really realized just how much people fawn over a beautiful person. When she went on a dating app, she had so many responses she had to shut down her profile. She has been offered not just dates, but legitimate jobs, based on a casual encounter. It really has been amazing (and quite depressing) to see how the world treats her compared to a less attractive person.
 

randomguy9

Put's the "Pro" in Profanity
#16
Appearance really does impact how people see others... it isn't fair...

While tastes very a bit if you were to put the same 5 men In a lineup that verried greatly in mussle & gut size & face shape & height... & asked 100 heterosexual women to rank them the same guy would almost always be on there #1 spot. (Unless they are all in that top 10%.)

I'm sorry that people were so judgmental... people suck. I can't imagine being a woman where looks impact so many more areas of life. With that said, it impacts a man's dating & mating preferences so much more. Most of us are basically locked out of any chance at dating apps working.

I'm trying to work on myself... trying to like being me...

But... this thought circle of how screwed my dating prospects are... non existent really & this sexual frustration... im running out of motivation to stay alive...
 

foreverforgotten

Quiet Observer
SF Supporter
#17
There's always someone out there who will have you. .. I'm ugly too. I'm a fatty. but any woman who has a list of things they dont like on a guy, (ex height) and doesn't even "try" to date a man who doesn't fit it 100% is too stuffy anyways.. for real. That's obnoxious of them. I understand the physical attraction thing, but to me ....that is really priority number 2. For real
 
#18
In my country there is a saying "If crying out loud was of any help, pigs wouldn't die."

That's because pigs shout a lot before dying and are killed anyway. Being unattractive is one thing, as you can see, you're not the only one. You can't change how you were born. But you can change that whiney attitude which is unpleasant not only to women.
 

Lady Wolfshead

"Peace comes from within" - The Buddha
#19
Appearance really does impact how people see others... it isn't fair...

While tastes very a bit if you were to put the same 5 men In a lineup that verried greatly in mussle & gut size & face shape & height... & asked 100 heterosexual women to rank them the same guy would almost always be on there #1 spot. (Unless they are all in that top 10%.)
I actually disagree with this (and I happen to have a bachelor degree in Psychology). I don't think they would rank the same guy as #1 and there's also a difference between ranking someone physically as #1 and being willing to give him a chance. A lot of guys who are married are not highly attractive and same with women. I do think that confidence and personality and values matter a lot.

I also have to say that many men I've met who "can't get a woman" are only interested in very attractive women, usually younger and more attractive than they are themselves. My brother-in-law actually got a mail order bride from China rather than change his dating standards or looking at himself to see what flaws he might correct (and I'm not talking appearance). He spent many thousands he could not afford to bring her here, and now 10 years later has a wife he still can't talk to (She works in a Chinese environment so has not learned much English and I suspect she doesn't really want to talk to him much).

My point is that you can be married and just as alone as before, if you don't find a partner who is compatible with your values and personality. It's good that you are working on yourself, but you must find more to live for than just having a partner. As I said, I expected to be alone my whole life and to just be relying on myself for everything including sex. It's all about attitude.
 

randomguy9

Put's the "Pro" in Profanity
#20
I actually disagree with this (and I happen to have a bachelor degree in Psychology). I don't think they would rank the same guy as #1 and there's also a difference between ranking someone physically as #1 and being willing to give him a chance. A lot of guys who are married are not highly attractive and same with women. I do think that confidence and personality and values matter a lot.[/quote,]

Right now there are no ways to showcase personality, confidence, etc. We are very likly years away from any sense of normalcy & I got my doubts that many social places will survive to meet people... especially not the local one that I fucking need to reopen or I'm going to lose it.
I also have to say that many men I've met who "can't get a woman" are only interested in very attractive women, usually younger and more attractive than they are themselves. My brother-in-law actually got a mail order bride from China rather than change his dating standards or looking at himself to see what flaws he might correct (and I'm not talking appearance). He spent many thousands he could not afford to bring her here, and now 10 years later has a wife he still can't talk to (She works in a Chinese environment so has not learned much English and I suspect she doesn't really want to talk to him much).
when I was doing the dating apps, I always set age range the same Each direction. Same number of years older & younger than me. I wasn't saying no to women based on appearance. (Again exception to that was if I saw any religious symbols on her or her clothing. With my history we aren't compatible)
My point is that you can be married and just as alone as before, if you don't find a partner who is compatible with your values and personality. It's good that you are working on yourself, but you must find more to live for than just having a partner. As I said, I expected to be alone my whole life and to just be relying on myself for everything including sex. It's all about attitude.[/QUOTE]
I finally got some things in order... I know that relationships aren't everything but when everything in life screams that I'll never have one...
 

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