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Ugly & Alone

Lady Wolfshead

Freethinker at large
#21
My point is that you can be married and just as alone as before, if you don't find a partner who is compatible with your values and personality. It's good that you are working on yourself, but you must find more to live for than just having a partner. As I said, I expected to be alone my whole life and to just be relying on myself for everything including sex. It's all about attitude.
I finally got some things in order... I know that relationships aren't everything but when everything in life screams that I'll never have one...[/QUOTE]

So you are planning to end your life because you feel you will never have a partner? I disagree with that so strongly. Please seek help by talking to your doctor, a therapist and a good friend or family member. When you were a kid, what did you want to do? Have you achieved it? Why not make some meaning in your life? I am a published fiction writer (short stories) and working towards my dream of publishing a novel. What would YOU like to do? There must be something. Travel, photography, art, music, become a wine connoisseur?? Do you already work in your dream job?

Do you have children? If so, realize they would be devastated by your death. And if not, there are others who would be.
 

randomguy9

Put's the "Pro" in Profanity
#22
So you are planning to end your life because you feel you will never have a partner? I disagree with that so strongly. Please seek help by talking to your doctor, a therapist and a good friend or family member. When you were a kid, what did you want to do? Have you achieved it? Why not make some meaning in your life? I am a published fiction writer (short stories) and working towards my dream of publishing a novel. What would YOU like to do? There must be something. Travel, photography, art, music, become a wine connoisseur?? Do you already work in your dream job?

Do you have children? If so, realize they would be devastated by your death. And if not, there are others who would be.
I'm trying to not let suicide be an option in my mind... but with every passing day of being me during these times... its getting harder & harder. I am connected to both a therapist & psychiatrist... both of who know that my thoughts of suicide increased.

What did I want to be as a kid... pretty much the opposite of the genes I was given. I wanted to be a competitor at something & well... all I ever wanted to be was the best. This is somethiing I gave up on & am mostly ok with. I wanted to be 22 with a bachelors or 24 with a masters & doing something beyond being a cog in the wheel making enough money where I could have had my hobbies. I'll never be @ peace with failing in school... I eventually got a fufilling but low paying job. This is my only source of meaning.

Me having kids? No one finds mating with me an appealing thought... & that desire is screaming at me just about all the damn time...

But yes family is one of two things keeping me going...

Still... Being ugly slams many doors closed.
 

randomguy9

Put's the "Pro" in Profanity
#23
In my country there is a saying "If crying out loud was of any help, pigs wouldn't die."

That's because pigs shout a lot before dying and are killed anyway. Being unattractive is one thing, as you can see, you're not the only one. You can't change how you were born. But you can change that whiney attitude which is unpleasant not only to women.
Ahh the old it must be your attitude that keeps people from so much as opening a chat with you.

Can women somehow sense this through a profile? See that someone has an attitude that they won't like & that they shouldn't even type a single word to them?

No... it's the damn pictures... though subconsciously People are more likly to think ugly people have negative traits.



Much as I try to adjust my attitude... it is the result of a hopeless pandemic with no end in sight & experience.
 

Lady Wolfshead

Freethinker at large
#24
I'm trying to not let suicide be an option in my mind... but with every passing day of being me during these times... its getting harder & harder. I am connected to both a therapist & psychiatrist... both of who know that my thoughts of suicide increased.

What did I want to be as a kid... pretty much the opposite of the genes I was given. I wanted to be a competitor at something & well... all I ever wanted to be was the best. This is somethiing I gave up on & am mostly ok with. I wanted to be 22 with a bachelors or 24 with a masters & doing something beyond being a cog in the wheel making enough money where I could have had my hobbies. I'll never be @ peace with failing in school... I eventually got a fufilling but low paying job. This is my only source of meaning.

Me having kids? No one finds mating with me an appealing thought... & that desire is screaming at me just about all the damn time...

But yes family is one of two things keeping me going...

Still... Being ugly slams many doors closed.
I'm glad to hear that you have a fulfilling job. That is half the battle in life. Just remember that not every woman (or person) will find you "ugly." I think that word should never be applied to a human being. Even in Psychology studies where they have a panel of people choose the least attractive faces for research purposes, some of the study participants will like those faces. I do have a bachelor degree in Psychology, not that it ever got me anywhere in the employment market.

One reason I didn't pursue a career in advanced Psychology is that I was always less interested in the rule than in the exceptions to that rule. For instance there's a famous study called the Milgram experiment where they showed that most people will continue giving increasing electric shocks to another person (even if they think the person is having a heart attack) simply because an authority figure --the researcher-- is telling them to. And when I learned about this in class, the professor was always focusing on the people who gave the shocks and why they continued despite their misgivings etc. And I was always focused on the small group of people who didn't continue and what made them stop. Human beings are very different from one another.

But do not misunderstand me - I fully understand the struggle. Even being married, my life is still affected by how I look. Fortunately few people appear truly disgusted by my looks/weight, but one of them is my husband's good friend, who treats me coldly and can barely keep his upper lip from curling in my presence. My husband thinks I am mistaken but I know the signs. The problem is that, like you say, people will attribute negative characteristics to you if they think you are unattractive - they will not actually admit even to themselves that they simply treat you poorly because they dislike your looks because that would say something negative about THEM. I saw it over and over when I worked with teenagers.

Despite all this, I still think there may be someone out there for you. You don't say how old you are. It's harder as one gets older but not impossible, and many people do value someone's character as they get older, especially women.
 
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MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#25
I've also often heard it said... (by members of the "opposite-sex") that the more 'confidence,' you can have // as well as 'desirability,' or that which (the degree of) you / your-self; find your~self^ . . . "desirable," the more likely it is/or the greater chances you will have at success, when attracting a 'mate.' Don't know how true it is, or isn't from personal experience (or if it falls under a similarly headed/titled category such as: "sense of humor," & a good personality; or Etc.?) but! it does sound, or "seem" more than just a little --slightly! (possible: &/or- plausible).

That said, i have absolutely no idea on the dating apps things. None whatsoever~ ? So, if it is all coming down to this whole, "Swipe left/right," Craze- And, I don't even know which is which? (as in - 'good,' or 'bad!') ... but then that I could see as making some of these things more irrelevant, because in order to get to that level of attraction, they're going to have to presumably "get to know you," ~some-how? And how (that happens) is still a great mystery, to me- ...though I know in the 'Old Days!' it was more of a, "whatever you did to hook up/meet up @the bar..." Even at that -- (i still wouldn't have a clue!) :^)
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#26
Also: would it be possible to go back & further your education, so as to pursue a better fulfilling job? And thus, perhaps inspire, or instill in you, some more "confidence," that may as a byproduct find or land/lend you a "Date?"
 

randomguy9

Put's the "Pro" in Profanity
#27
I've also often heard it said... (by members of the "opposite-sex") that the more 'confidence,' you can have // as well as 'desirability,' or that which (the degree of) you / your-self; find your~self^ . . . "desirable," the more likely it is/or the greater chances you will have at success, when attracting a 'mate.' Don't know how true it is, or isn't from personal experience (or if it falls under a similarly headed/titled category such as: "sense of humor," & a good personality; or Etc.?) but! it does sound, or "seem" more than just a little --slightly! (possible: &/or- plausible).

That said, i have absolutely no idea on the dating apps things. None whatsoever~ ? So, if it is all coming down to this whole, "Swipe left/right," Craze- And, I don't even know which is which? (as in - 'good,' or 'bad!') ... but then that I could see as making some of these things more irrelevant, because in order to get to that level of attraction, they're going to have to presumably "get to know you," ~some-how? And how (that happens) is still a great mystery, to me- ...though I know in the 'Old Days!' it was more of a, "whatever you did to hook up/meet up @the bar..." Even at that -- (i still wouldn't have a clue!) :^)
As much as I am trying to work on confidence... someone who has tried & studied but failed every test Of thr semester they aren't going to feel confident come the final.

Someone who tries there hardest practices a ton but still only makes 1 of 50 free throws isn't going to be confident if chosen for one of those make 5 in a row challenges...

Much as I try to work on confidence... after 0 dates on months of trying... its impossible...

Also: would it be possible to go back & further your education, so as to pursue a better fulfilling job? And thus, perhaps inspire, or instill in you, some more "confidence," that may as a byproduct find or land/lend you a "Date?"
Not likely I'd succeed there...

& quite frankly when being Told go improve this to attract someone & maybe compete with the people who just need to exist... not Likely to work.
 

-L-

Well-Known Member
#28
@randomguy9

I understand you perfectly.

I am 26 years old and I am ugly, not only am I ugly, I have Asperger, I cannot socialize with others, I am not funny, I have low IQ, I am not absolutely good at anything.

My genetics are basically garbage, I am useless, and I am not normal, everyone has made it clear to me, my mother, teachers etc ...

No matter if I had all the money in the world, I would be in the same situation.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#29
As much as I am trying to work on confidence... someone who has tried & studied but failed every test Of thr semester they aren't going to feel confident come the final.

Someone who tries there hardest practices a ton but still only makes 1 of 50 free throws isn't going to be confident if chosen for one of those make 5 in a row challenges...

Much as I try to work on confidence... after 0 dates on months of trying... its impossible...



Not likely I'd succeed there...

& quite frankly when being Told go improve this to attract someone & maybe compete with the people who just need to exist... not Likely to work.
It's not easy, that's for sure. . .
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#30
Every time i hear women talking about attractive guys...

I am triggered... I never thought my looks would be a cause for feeling suicidal...

But quite frankly a life where I can't get laid, let alone have a chance to experience mutual love...

I'm sick of this frustration...
Fwhatever it is worth. I am a female, moderately attractive to others, but not really pretty. I have always had attractive and non attractive partners. In fact, many very good looking and athletic.

The worst rejection I have ever experienced is with a man who I never had the courage to tell how I truly felt. He is legitimately considered a hatchet face (I hate that term, but if you know what It is, you'lle understand, he was not physically attractive)
But I only saw beauty in that face. I saw a very unusally handsome man and the strongest, boldest, passionate and empathetically beautiful man because I was attracted to HIM. his words, his voice, his soul, his character and more. Dating apps suck. I suggest, you prepare your best self for when restrictions lessen, as they will continue to do and it will be safer to meet people in person, and delve into your interests, but of course activates where you may meet women who can see YOU the way I saw this man. I STILL twenty years later sneak peaks and follow this man's career because that's how impressed and admiration I have of him as a person.
I also think I'm ugly and though people have told me otherwise damage has happened to me and I do have serious flaws that have me relating to you. This biggest issue being a belief in our ugliness. There are roots to why we think this. Believe it. And yes many women and men are superficial and many of us here can't seem to be SEEN. I hope you rescue belief in yourself and find a good woman who falls in love with every inch of you, just the way you are. I promise, some of us may be damaged too, but good women who see beneath and appreciate what's real -are out there with heir own unique and not socially induced ideas of what's attractive.
One more thing. The hottest two men I dated seriously, very successful and good looking I dropped because they had nothing going on in he heart or mind I could believe in. Didn't mean they were worthless, but maybe you can understand the attraction to other men. Triggers don't determine your value and I know they hurt.
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#31
Fwhatever it is worth. I am a female, moderately attractive to others, but not really pretty. I have always had attractive and non attractive partners. In fact, many very good looking and athletic.

The worst rejection I have ever experienced is with a man who I never had the courage to tell how I truly felt. He is legitimately considered a hatchet face (I hate that term, but if you know what It is, you'lle understand, he was not physically attractive)
But I only saw beauty in that face. I saw a very unusally handsome man and the strongest, boldest, passionate and empathetically beautiful man because I was attracted to HIM. his words, his voice, his soul, his character and more. Dating apps suck. I suggest, you prepare your best self for when restrictions lessen, as they will continue to do and it will be safer to meet people in person, and delve into your interests, but of course activates where you may meet women who can see YOU the way I saw this man. I STILL twenty years later sneak peaks and follow this man's career because that's how impressed and admiration I have of him as a person.
I also think I'm ugly and though people have told me otherwise damage has happened to me and I do have serious flaws that have me relating to you. This biggest issue being a belief in our ugliness. There are roots to why we think this. Believe it. And yes many women and men are superficial and many of us here can't seem to be SEEN. I hope you rescue belief in yourself and find a good woman who falls in love with every inch of you, just the way you are. I promise, some of us may be damaged too, but good women who see beneath and appreciate what's real -are out there with heir own unique and not socially induced ideas of what's attractive.
One more thing. The hottest two men I dated seriously, very successful and good looking I dropped because they had nothing going on in he heart or mind I could believe in. Didn't mean they were worthless, but maybe you can understand the attraction to other men. Triggers don't determine your value and I know they hurt.
And by prepare your best self , I only mean not be so down on yourself so you can find someone who can see you. Not that you have to change anything.
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#32
And by prepare your best self , I only mean not be so down on yourself so you can find someone who can see you. Not that you have to change anything.
And I also just want you to be able to look at yourself with respect. Nature didn't make humans to just look pretty. So many things are amazing about people. A lot of the ideas about human attractiveness are very very subjective and all that ultimately matters is that you can live with you first. I know it's hard. .02¢
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#33
Fwhatever it is worth. I am a female, moderately attractive to others, but not really pretty. I have always had attractive and non attractive partners. In fact, many very good looking and athletic.

The worst rejection I have ever experienced is with a man who I never had the courage to tell how I truly felt. He is legitimately considered a hatchet face (I hate that term, but if you know what It is, you'lle understand, he was not physically attractive)
But I only saw beauty in that face. I saw a very unusally handsome man and the strongest, boldest, passionate and empathetically beautiful man because I was attracted to HIM. his words, his voice, his soul, his character and more. Dating apps suck. I suggest, you prepare your best self for when restrictions lessen, as they will continue to do and it will be safer to meet people in person, and delve into your interests, but of course activates where you may meet women who can see YOU the way I saw this man. I STILL twenty years later sneak peaks and follow this man's career because that's how impressed and admiration I have of him as a person.
I also think I'm ugly and though people have told me otherwise damage has happened to me and I do have serious flaws that have me relating to you. This biggest issue being a belief in our ugliness. There are roots to why we think this. Believe it. And yes many women and men are superficial and many of us here can't seem to be SEEN. I hope you rescue belief in yourself and find a good woman who falls in love with every inch of you, just the way you are. I promise, some of us may be damaged too, but good women who see beneath and appreciate what's real -are out there with heir own unique and not socially induced ideas of what's attractive.
One more thing. The hottest two men I dated seriously, very successful and good looking I dropped because they had nothing going on in he heart or mind I could believe in. Didn't mean they were worthless, but maybe you can understand the attraction to other men. Triggers don't determine your value and I know they hurt.
That is a phenomenal response! And I - 'Thank You,' for it... : )
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#34
That is a phenomenal response! And I - 'Thank You,' for it... : )
It is? I thought is sounded bad. I forgot to say that it wasn't just his inner beauty. I literally fell in love w every scar, his bad skin, his crooked lips..his chubby belly. Truly sex/intimacy of any sort with a person you love, who truly sees you as you, is better than any typically accepted "hot lay". Then you see the person you are with as hot. It just happens. People forget because it doesn't sell movie tickets in many countries. Dumb. And in others, it does. Funny. This guy was sexy as f. Don't be shortsighted, any of you men, that a bald short danny devito (apologies danny) can't get a real attractive woman off better than The Rock. I guarantee you that woman's world is being rocked and satisfied with DD, but ifnthenRock hasn't got anything there, bye bye, time to get a real man. Sorry for a bad example if it is one -pulled it out of nowhere. (Well. Not nowhere I really like DD)
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#35
As much as I am trying to work on confidence... someone who has tried & studied but failed every test Of thr semester they aren't going to feel confident come the final.

Someone who tries there hardest practices a ton but still only makes 1 of 50 free throws isn't going to be confident if chosen for one of those make 5 in a row challenges...

Much as I try to work on confidence... after 0 dates on months of trying... its impossible...



Not likely I'd succeed there...

& quite frankly when being Told go improve this to attract someone & maybe compete with the people who just need to exist... not Likely to work.
What are you good at? What are your strengths?
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#36
I'm trying to not let suicide be an option in my mind... but with every passing day of being me during these times... its getting harder & harder. I am connected to both a therapist & psychiatrist... both of who know that my thoughts of suicide increased.

What did I want to be as a kid... pretty much the opposite of the genes I was given. I wanted to be a competitor at something & well... all I ever wanted to be was the best. This is somethiing I gave up on & am mostly ok with. I wanted to be 22 with a bachelors or 24 with a masters & doing something beyond being a cog in the wheel making enough money where I could have had my hobbies. I'll never be @ peace with failing in school... I eventually got a fufilling but low paying job. This is my only source of meaning.

Me having kids? No one finds mating with me an appealing thought... & that desire is screaming at me just about all the damn time...

But yes family is one of two things keeping me going...

Still... Being ugly slams many doors closed.
I can relate to not being what you wanted to be and or felt your potential to be. I can relate to having no interest in being a cog and it's awesome you have a good job that does fulfill you. I feel like this society is effecting people when it's not our fault that it's so hard in some ways to live up to our potential because the way things are set up, which isn't your fault or some failing in you. I understand the failing in school. I have that too. But you know what, even though it's rarely respected where it needs to be, I have managed to self educate in a number of areas. I bet you can or have as well. That's very respectful. Further, not giving up on learning and an education no matter how old or how many obstacles or failures is sexy. Sometimes I read about allxthe failures humans have produced. Because without them we wouldn't have mathematics, electricity or medicine.
Maybe your standards for yourself need to be adjusted somewhat? -.02¢
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#37
It's very brave to share this. Thank you it's helped my system to read. I have no idea how to talk about my physical issues w myself, esp my belief that I am ugly. I appreciate your willingness to share. Takes guts.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#38
It is? I thought is sounded bad. I forgot to say that it wasn't just his inner beauty. I literally fell in love w every scar, his bad skin, his crooked lips..his chubby belly. Truly sex/intimacy of any sort with a person you love, who truly sees you as you, is better than any typically accepted "hot lay". Then you see the person you are with as hot. It just happens. People forget because it doesn't sell movie tickets in many countries. Dumb. And in others, it does. Funny. This guy was sexy as f. Don't be shortsighted, any of you men, that a bald short danny devito (apologies danny) can't get a real attractive woman off better than The Rock. I guarantee you that woman's world is being rocked and satisfied with DD, but ifnthenRock hasn't got anything there, bye bye, time to get a real man. Sorry for a bad example if it is one -pulled it out of nowhere. (Well. Not nowhere I really like DD)
Yes, I do believe this: (both, insightful & helpful!)... thanks, again!
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#39
I'm glad to hear that you have a fulfilling job. That is half the battle in life. Just remember that not every woman (or person) will find you "ugly." I think that word should never be applied to a human being. Even in Psychology studies where they have a panel of people choose the least attractive faces for research purposes, some of the study participants will like those faces. I do have a bachelor degree in Psychology, not that it ever got me anywhere in the employment market.

One reason I didn't pursue a career in advanced Psychology is that I was always less interested in the rule than in the exceptions to that rule. For instance there's a famous study called the Milgram experiment where they showed that most people will continue giving increasing electric shocks to another person (even if they think the person is having a heart attack) simply because an authority figure --the researcher-- is telling them to. And when I learned about this in class, the professor was always focusing on the people who gave the shocks and why they continued despite their misgivings etc. And I was always focused on the small group of people who didn't continue and what made them stop. Human beings are very different from one another.

But do not misunderstand me - I fully understand the struggle. Even being married, my life is still affected by how I look. Fortunately few people appear truly disgusted by my looks/weight, but one of them is my husband's good friend, who treats me coldly and can barely keep his upper lip from curling in my presence. My husband thinks I am mistaken but I know the signs. The problem is that, like you say, people will attribute negative characteristics to you if they think you are unattractive - they will not actually admit even to themselves that they simply treat you poorly because they dislike your looks because that would say something negative about THEM. I saw it over and over when I worked with teenagers.

Despite all this, I still think there may be someone out there for you. You don't say how old you are. It's harder as one gets older but not impossible, and many people do value someone's character as they get older, especially women.
Hello

When I saw your comedy set it was first time I saw you and you ate definitely not ugly!!!!
 

Lady Wolfshead

Freethinker at large
#40
Hello

When I saw your comedy set it was first time I saw you and you ate definitely not ugly!!!!
Thanks. A lot of flaws don't show from a distance and I was wearing full makeup (hiding my skin issues) and hairstyle. Also the angle was to the side, and my face is asymmetrical. One of my eyelids droops more than the other. I do have nice teeth and a nice smile. I believe I was smiling most of the time which conceals my jowls (also contour makeup helps with this.)

I am not pointing out my flaws for sympathy or because I have low self-esteem. I merely state them because I have a real issues and some people do judge me negatively based on my face. It took a HELL of a lot of guts for me to get up on stage and do a comedy set. I still can't believe I did it actually.... I happen to be smart and funny and courageous. Having said that, it hurts like hell when I know certain people are disgusted by my looks and make assumptions about my deeper nature based on that.
 

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