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Ugly & Alone

randomguy9

Put's the "Pro" in Profanity
#42
I'm glad to hear that you have a fulfilling job. That is half the battle in life. Just remember that not every woman (or person) will find you "ugly." I think that word should never be applied to a human being. Even in Psychology studies where they have a panel of people choose the least attractive faces for research purposes, some of the study participants will like those faces. I do have a bachelor degree in Psychology, not that it ever got me anywhere in the employment market.

One reason I didn't pursue a career in advanced Psychology is that I was always less interested in the rule than in the exceptions to that rule. For instance there's a famous study called the Milgram experiment where they showed that most people will continue giving increasing electric shocks to another person (even if they think the person is having a heart attack) simply because an authority figure --the researcher-- is telling them to. And when I learned about this in class, the professor was always focusing on the people who gave the shocks and why they continued despite their misgivings etc. And I was always focused on the small group of people who didn't continue and what made them stop. Human beings are very different from one another.

But do not misunderstand me - I fully understand the struggle. Even being married, my life is still affected by how I look. Fortunately few people appear truly disgusted by my looks/weight, but one of them is my husband's good friend, who treats me coldly and can barely keep his upper lip from curling in my presence. My husband thinks I am mistaken but I know the signs. The problem is that, like you say, people will attribute negative characteristics to you if they think you are unattractive - they will not actually admit even to themselves that they simply treat you poorly because they dislike your looks because that would say something negative about THEM. I saw it over and over when I worked with teenagers.

Despite all this, I still think there may be someone out there for you. You don't say how old you are. It's harder as one gets older but not impossible, and many people do value someone's character as they get older, especially women.
I've seen quite the opposite with face studies... those that demonstrated that it was fairly consistent what women thought was the best looking & flat out ugly one.

Furthermore even if the ugly one was described with a bunch of positive traits & the middle only a few women would remain disinterested in the ugly guy. (As did there mothers in the who should your daughter date). Seemed to indicate that there is a minimum level of attractiveness physically That needs to be met. This is consistent with the way I hear women talk about how they look for there Type physically & go from there... but no one's type is the ugly, not tall (to be fair not short either) gamer that has put on some COVID quarenteen weight.

Of course in any study of this nature its impossible to effectively simulate a real search if people know its not real & both of what we cited may translate differently to the real/cyber world. (Though there is data from people who make fake accounts & compare though but to many uncontrolled variables to get a real world comparison)

I sympathize with women & how society judges by appearance & how much more effort is expected they put into it for routine events. I feel there are so many more ways that a female's Life is altered based on that. Female body positivity is important with all the unhealthy Stuff that goes on to meet an unrealistic standard.

Far as finding a partner goes however... women are a sign up, an hour, & a few messages away from finding someone who will meet them For dinner. Might not be That top 20% hot that they prefer but someone will agree to go.

I guess it only takes 1... but 1 in how many billion isn't comforting.
 

randomguy9

Put's the "Pro" in Profanity
#43
And by prepare your best self , I only mean not be so down on yourself so you can find someone who can see you. Not that you have to change anything.
And I also just want you to be able to look at yourself with respect. Nature didn't make humans to just look pretty. So many things are amazing about people. A lot of the ideas about human attractiveness are very very subjective and all that ultimately matters is that you can live with you first. I know it's hard. .02¢
Re not changing: I'm always trying to self improve... but in attracting someone... advice tends to be Either play games with pickup lines or get help with the profile... and/or present myself in a way that isnt me (clothing, hair, etc) I'm not Advertising a facade I Wouldn't care to pick up.

This sounds arrogant... but I Know I got some non physical qualities that would be good...

But Without the genetic giftings that create that initial romantic infatuation & sexual attraction... its proven useless
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#44
Re not changing: I'm always trying to self improve... but in attracting someone... advice tends to be Either play games with pickup lines or get help with the profile... and/or present myself in a way that isnt me (clothing, hair, etc) I'm not Advertising a facade I Wouldn't care to pick up.

This sounds arrogant... but I Know I got some non physical qualities that would be good...

But Without the genetic giftings that create that initial romantic infatuation & sexual attraction... its proven useless
Then clearly you didn't read what I wrote. I already proved you wrong. I did not give that kind of advice at all.
 

randomguy9

Put's the "Pro" in Profanity
#45
Then clearly you didn't read what I wrote. I already proved you wrong. I did not give that kind of advice at all.
Sorry sorry sorry!

I worded that last Post terribly.

MMetTo say that often the Advice people get when talking about dating! AAtno point did you give that however.
 

randomguy9

Put's the "Pro" in Profanity
#46
@randomguy9

I understand you perfectly.

I am 26 years old and I am ugly, not only am I ugly, I have Asperger, I cannot socialize with others, I am not funny, I have low IQ, I am not absolutely good at anything.

My genetics are basically garbage, I am useless, and I am not normal, everyone has made it clear to me, my mother, teachers etc ...

No matter if I had all the money in the world, I would be in the same situation.
I've been looking for words other than sorry... & they just aren't coming. I wish I had something empowering to say.
 
#47
Dating apps in my opinion are all about status. It tends to be about who can take the best selfie. Maybe some people find their life partner on them, but they seem for more like a hookup. I know in this particular time, that dating apps really are the popular choice to go to, but other ways work, too.

Idk, that's just my thoughts. I can relate to your self esteem issues, though.
 

randomguy9

Put's the "Pro" in Profanity
#48
Things finally opened up a bit & going to something social... try to interact with others & maybe talk to women...

I could see the disgust in the eyes of the Women I tried to even smile at... & of course they walked up to the guys who are taller & better looking without with the opposite reaction.

I hate being me... I can't compete with the lucky on anything
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#49
Is it frustrating when people tell you there is someone out there for you? It will get better ? Get involved in groups? Etc etc etc. I think people do that because it is depressing to accept that success is a function of looks, opportunities, assets, connections, and every worshipped almighty dollar.
 

KM76710

Kangaroo Manager
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#50
Things finally opened up a bit & going to something social... try to interact with others & maybe talk to women...

I could see the disgust in the eyes of the Women I tried to even smile at... & of course they walked up to the guys who are taller & better looking without with the opposite reaction.

I hate being me... I can't compete with the lucky on anything
I hope for well for you on the social.

I admit to being ugly here, I look like someone played a drum solo on my face with a pair of ugly drumsticks, so I understand the not pretty in the face bit.
 

randomguy9

Put's the "Pro" in Profanity
#51
I hope for well for you on the social.

I admit to being ugly here, I look like someone played a drum solo on my face with a pair of ugly drumsticks, so I understand the not pretty in the face bit.
I'm telling myself I'm going to keep trying... but hard to do so... it's like the options are feel suicidal & try then fail & feel even more suicidal... or stay @ home, feel suicidal & get triggered & feel more suicidal...

There are some things that would help a bit that I should be doing for health reasons... but nothing can make me the 6'2 muscular
8/10 that seems neccessary to get any attention...

& eliminating my difficulties socializing isn't going well...
 

Lady Wolfshead

Freethinker at large
#52
I'm telling myself I'm going to keep trying... but hard to do so... it's like the options are feel suicidal & try then fail & feel even more suicidal... or stay @ home, feel suicidal & get triggered & feel more suicidal...

There are some things that would help a bit that I should be doing for health reasons... but nothing can make me the 6'2 muscular
8/10 that seems neccessary to get any attention...

& eliminating my difficulties socializing isn't going well...
You know, when you say things like "the 6'2 muscular 8/10 that seems necessary to get any attention" - that makes me skeptical about you. You do realize that the vast majority of males on this earth don't fit those criteria, right???? Including most married guys. And it also makes me wonder what you consider attractive in a woman. Most guys I've met IRL who bemoan not being able to get a woman are only looking for an attractive, young, slim woman, and yes, those 8/10 women are with guys who are also an 8/10. People tend to get together with others of a similar attractiveness level. If you're not willing to do that, and you don't have other bargaining chips (rich, successful), you're truly out of the game. Best to call it quits and try to be happy single, and do what single women do which is look to friends for company.
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#54
You know, when you say things like "the 6'2 muscular 8/10 that seems necessary to get any attention" - that makes me skeptical about you. You do realize that the vast majority of males on this earth don't fit those criteria, right???? Including most married guys. And it also makes me wonder what you consider attractive in a woman. Most guys I've met IRL who bemoan not being able to get a woman are only looking for an attractive, young, slim woman, and yes, those 8/10 women are with guys who are also an 8/10. People tend to get together with others of a similar attractiveness level. If you're not willing to do that, and you don't have other bargaining chips (rich, successful), you're truly out of the game. Best to call it quits and try to be happy single, and do what single women do which is look to friends for company.
Finally someone speaks the truth instead of saying you are beautiful inside and out.
 

Lady Wolfshead

Freethinker at large
#55
I want to mention about meeting my husband. I was 23 and had decided I would probably be single for life. When I first met him I thought he was the geekiest guy I ever saw (not necessarily a deal-killer for me although the only other guy I'd known who looked like him turned out to be a passive aggressive creep). Super skinny, receding hairline (although he was only 32), huge glasses (he has a visual disability). But once he opened his mouth I was hooked. He was intelligent and funny. We dated, and what really cemented him as a real possibility was when he cooked dinner for me. It was the first time I saw his apartment and it was neat and tidy (a real change from my previous boyfriend) and he made us a nice meal. He'd been single a long time and was a bit resentful about it, but not carrying any deep-seated misogyny. Within 2-3 weeks I knew he was the one. We weren't intimate for 3 months BTW and it was nice not to feel pressured.

What made me interested in him was definitely not his looks but his personality and the fact that he was emotionally mature. He cooked nutritious food even if it was just him eating. He kept his apartment clean. He showered and wore clean clothes. He was a grownup unlike most of the guys I knew.
 

randomguy9

Put's the "Pro" in Profanity
#58
You know, when you say things like "the 6'2 muscular 8/10 that seems necessary to get any attention" - that makes me skeptical about you. You do realize that the vast majority of males on this earth don't fit those criteria, right???? Including most married guys. And it also makes me wonder what you consider attractive in a woman. Most guys I've met IRL who bemoan not being able to get a woman are only looking for an attractive, young, slim woman, and yes, those 8/10 women are with guys who are also an 8/10. People tend to get together with others of a similar attractiveness level. If you're not willing to do that, and you don't have other bargaining chips (rich, successful), you're truly out of the game. Best to call it quits and try to be happy single, and do what single women do which is look to friends for company.
When I was on dating apps I was reading Profiles & trying to send messages that indicated an intest in getting to know them.

If there was a deal breaker i wouldn't message her but those deal breakers were not body type related. They were things like drug use, or conflicting relationship goals.I always set my age filter the same older & younger than me.

In the era of dating apps we are seeing that unfortunate reality of the 80/20... maybe some slightly out of that range finds someone but us sub 5s got nothing to look forward to it appears.
 

KM76710

Kangaroo Manager
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#59
That is a fact. I understand when folks are young and want the fairy tale, but when you get older it should change. If I ever tried a dating site I know I would be passed over by women simply for being quite short, even at the age range I would fit.
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#60
I want to mention about meeting my husband. I was 23 and had decided I would probably be single for life. When I first met him I thought he was the geekiest guy I ever saw (not necessarily a deal-killer for me although the only other guy I'd known who looked like him turned out to be a passive aggressive creep). Super skinny, receding hairline (although he was only 32), huge glasses (he has a visual disability). But once he opened his mouth I was hooked. He was intelligent and funny. We dated, and what really cemented him as a real possibility was when he cooked dinner for me. It was the first time I saw his apartment and it was neat and tidy (a real change from my previous boyfriend) and he made us a nice meal. He'd been single a long time and was a bit resentful about it, but not carrying any deep-seated misogyny. Within 2-3 weeks I knew he was the one. We weren't intimate for 3 months BTW and it was nice not to feel pressured.

What made me interested in him was definitely not his looks but his personality and the fact that he was emotionally mature. He cooked nutritious food even if it was just him eating. He kept his apartment clean. He showered and wore clean clothes. He was a grownup unlike most of the guys I knew.
ahhhh. That is a sweet meeting and courtship. Happy for you.
 

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