I went out with a few friends last night for drinks as it was my birthday, after a few beers one friend started telling me about all my flaws and quirks which make it hard for people to like me. The funny part was each sentence started with "I don't mean to upset you on your birthday but…….." or "I'm not being offensive but……." I think this was planned as well, not just a drunken ramble, as my other friends were just nodding in agreement with everything that was said. I'm normally quite thick skinned when it comes to criticism but this really hit home, mainly, I think, because everything that was said is everything I hate about myself including things like depressive episodes, appearance etc. Reflecting on all things that were said I just fail to see why I am like I am. I mean why do I try and destroy everything that’s good in my life. It's like I feel that I'm undeserving of good things or that they must be fake. I feel that I try my best to change and act differently but obviously it's not working. Maybe subconsciously I just want to push everyone away as I must admit I always feel happiest when I'm alone. So here I am, another year about to pass, and yet I'm still at square one, all the things I attempted to change and improve have failed. I have to give up trying, I just cannot keep fighting.