Ugly on the outside and inside

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ihatelife6, Nov 27, 2006.

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  1. ihatelife6

    ihatelife6 New Member

    Life is so terrible for me right now it is hard for myself to even comprehend the emotions I am going through. Life has treated me so terribly that I feel like everything that could go wrong in my life, from my body's creation in my mother's womb to my depressed and tired state at the present.

    My mother was a teacher in Bulgaria, a country in Europe not too far away from Turkey, she was kidnapped by my father and forced her to live with him, taking all her money and living off of her. This is very common in countries like Bulgaria where women are just simply stolen off the streets and made into a wife. The devasting thing is that my father slept with a prostitute and received a STD. Knowing he had an STD, he then slept with my mother while she was pregnant with me and he gave it to my mother and I. I luckily survived and my mother had me at the age of 19.

    Growing up as a kid I was a leader amongst my friends, but my father was not the role-model he should have been. He never worked a single day in his life and he would live off of my mothers paycheck to gamble or buy him self beer. He did not buy me or my mother anything and we were forced to ask my grandparents to give us some money to eat. My father would also constantly beat my mother and he even once stabbed her with a fork. My mother couldnt take it anymore so when I was 4 years old we fled to Canada.

    We came to Canada with nothing but $100 and the clothes on our backs not knowing any english or any relatives or friends that lived in Canada that could help us start a new life. Long-story short we made it through a hard life and my mother went to college and she has a really good job and she found a new husband that is everything she could have hoped for.

    But then I went to high school and the real irrepairable damage was caused. Being a kid I never really realized how I had some outstanding features that weren't normal and I failed to realize it until high school when other kids would poke fun at my face. I would mention the features but I am too ashmed to do it but I am probably one of the ugliest kids in my school, or even city. It's not only my face, my whole body is ugly, and again I wont go into detail because I am too ashamed. All of my friends talked behind my back and a lot of them don't even want to hang out with me, I dont know if it's because im ugly. Whenver I try to make a joke they take it seriously and dont find it funny. Whenever I am being serious they dont take me seriously.. so either way I am being treated as a worthless pile of junk.

    This is the main reason why I no longer believe in god. Strugglign the way I did as a kid, and then throuhgout my teenage life is too harsh for any one person to bear.

    I was accepted to one of the best engineering Universities in Canada and attended for 1 month but then dropped out, shocking my entire family. I dropped otu because I was ugly and I knew other people were thinking it. I found a job afterwards and quit because I am ugly, further dissapointing my faimly.

    However my family thinks that I dropped out and quit because it was too difficult for me, they don't know I am dramatically depressed about my appearance.

    I want to end it all and just commit suicide because even if I had surgery to fix my face it wouldn't matter. How will my family afford it, and how will my metnal state be repaired after everything that I have been through? I don't even know how to talk to girls, I don't even know how to make friends, I don't understand life.

    How will I commit suicide knowing my family will be devastated, I am trapped in this god aweful world and no one will understand it. I am too scared to do kill myself and I don't want to ever step outside of my front door, I hate my life.
     
  2. CursedSoul

    CursedSoul Active Member

    Don't let your appearance ruin your life, I for one do not care about how people look. Because when the lights go out, you only have their personalities. Yes there are A lot of people out there that will judge you by your appearance (knows from experience), but it is also those great people that will look past that and smile at you.... sorry if this didn't help you at all... I am really trying...
     
  3. ihatelife6

    ihatelife6 New Member

    Thanks for your support, but I have been through that phase where I try to imagine people liking my personality and ignoring my appearance. However no matter I will know what people are thinking about me, and they are making fun of me even though I did not choose to be this way. I've always stuck up for my friends and for everyong but when it comes down to them defending me it never happens. I've lost all hope.
     
  4. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    You shouldnt want to hurt yourself because of the way you were born. Im sorry you went through such a difficult time growing up. Killing yourself isnt the answer. I know the one thing I wish I could change about myself is my face. Its probably the biggest reason for my depression and why I was mentally, verbally and physically abused all my life, even today. And without doubt it is the reason why I am lonely and never had anyone to share my life with. And its hard to accept, but no matter what im not going to kill myself because of the way I was made. Yes ive attempted suicide before, its not because of how I look cos I dont really care. Its how people treat you, and how the world reacts to you, and how people treat you like you have a flesh eating disease, and you seem to be noones type. I like myself to a certain extent. I only wish I was different only so the world would accept me. But why should I appease them. And to be honest, you never will be able to. Its all about how you feel about yourself and carry yourself. That shows almost as much as your physical side itself.

    There is hope and i dont mean makeovers or surgery. This world and society is obsessed with that stuff. Thinness and beauty has become next to godliness. It doesnt last. You have to be there for you and you have to live your own life and not be influenced by everyone elses opinion of you. You basically let everyone else paint you whatever color they want, when you should be the one painting yourself. The way you see yourself, not others. You mother did so much it seems and has went through such a difficult time just getting you both to a point in life where you can live comfortable. Thats somethign special. She fought for your life and you should too. Losing you would be tremendous on her. I understand what your going through because I would bet everything i have and own that im uglier than you seem to think of yourself. But I havent seen you. I know looks have mattered since the beginning of time. I dropped out of school and loss jobs too, for the same reasons, my anxiety did not allow me to function cos i couldnt sit in a room with attractive people and couples, and people who just made me feel worse and even more lonely. I never got invited to parties, or places or to events or games. And noone ever asked me out of said i looked good today or handsome or even laugh at my jokes. Its like everyone is already predetermined to hate me without even knowing me. But i cant give up my life just because of their hatred against me, and neither should you.

    Im not gonna be a hypocrite and tell you that personality matters and etc. you have people who say it because it sounds so noble, but noone ever shows it. Ive talked to women before i went out with them that told me im the sweetest guy ever and its only about personality and once they saw me in person, it all ended from there. Its human nature. Although I wonder why it doesnt afflict me cos I have dated women twice my size and never thought much about looks. But I will say that there are ones out there that are true to their word. They are a severe minority and looking for them is like tryign to find a needle in a stack of needles. My life is about as bad as bad can be. And im not so afraid of devestating my family, im actually a little to overly welcoming to the thoughts of suicide and death. But there is some good in this world worth living for and I hope you will stick around and give yourself a chance to find it.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 27, 2006
  5. ihatelife6

    ihatelife6 New Member

    Muliple Man thank you for your response. I get anxiety attacks all the time when I am out in public and I can't even talk sometimes because of it. Your post really changed my outlook, but I don't know how long it will take for me to heal, it definetly won't be within a month or two. :(
     
  6. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    You'll have to be patient in dealing with this depression, unfortunately, I am very depressed and not patient at all. It make take quite a long time before you can get better and you may not want to wait that long, I hope you can and I hope you can keep pulling through.

    I already think your beautiful inside at least for enduring all that you've gone through, your a very strong person.
     
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