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Ugly

Cagla

Well-Known Member
#1
Can someone be loved if this someone is ugly? Especially if this someone is a woman?
Apparently the answer is negative ..
 

Petal

SF dreamer
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#8
I often ask myself the same question but I think the answer is obviously yes. Everyone has their own idea as to what ugly is, no two people think the same so yes you can be loved even if you consider yourself 'ugly''. Someone else might not think you are ugly :)
 

Cagla

Well-Known Member
#9
I often ask myself the same question but I think the answer is obviously yes. Everyone has their own idea as to what ugly is, no two people think the same so yes you can be loved even if you consider yourself 'ugly''. Someone else might not think you are ugly :)
but I see all my friends and all the women I see, everywhere they are all beautiful and when I look in the mirror all I see...I am not a teenager nearly 24. I am too ashamed to say when I meet someone the first thing I do is to compare. Such a disgusting thing I know... And when you are in love and know that you'll never with him, all I can do is to hate myself. Even if being ugly is not my doing.
 

EmB

Well-Known Member
#12
I think appearance offers a barrier, definitely. Everyone judges everyone, whether we like it or not. My Mum always says "You shouldn't try to stop judging people, because that's impossible. Instead be aware of the judgments you make and put them aside." But of course, many people don't, and so judgments people make on others are the first impression of someone.

However, when it comes to LOVE, then I'd disagree. I think attraction can be about appearance, but love isn't. I think it's difficult to be attracted to someone you find ugly, but I also think that as we form relationships (of any kind) with people, looks become less and less important, and so it is easier to become attracted to someone (if that makes sense?).

For me, I genuinely hate the way I look. I always have and probably always will, and part of that is probably down to me since the major issue is my weight. I don't think anyone has ever been attracted to me, but that hasn't stopped people loving me. I know my family and friends love me, even if my depression makes it hard to see that some days.

Whether you believe it or not, confidence and loving yourself are much more important. I really wish I had good social skills because whatever people think of the way you look, if you come across as a kind and happy person, people automatically warm to you. I'm working on being a more outgoing and friendly person because my looks have often been the driving force behind me hiding away from people. But the way you present your personality to the world is much more important in forming relationships. Let's be honest, here: most people would choose the ugly but kind person over the good looking but horrible person. And people that wouldn't love you romantically just because of your looks when you have an amazing personality are, quite simply, too shallow. Now, the people that can accept you for who you are and love you for YOU, they'll form an attraction to you. They're the keepers. Remember: attraction can be grown, it can develop. Love is very rarely "at first sight".

On a more sentimental note, I would really like to tell you you're beautiful. Sure, I have no idea what you look like. You might look like one of the witches out of Roald Dahl's book for all I know. But beauty is about heart. So remind yourself you are beautiful - love yourself, and you might find that others start to do the same.

From one "ugly" person to another - chin (or chins, in my case) up and trust you're worth a hell of a lot.

Sending hugs

Em
 

Cagla

Well-Known Member
#13
I think appearance offers a barrier, definitely. Everyone judges everyone, whether we like it or not. My Mum always says "You shouldn't try to stop judging people, because that's impossible. Instead be aware of the judgments you make and put them aside." But of course, many people don't, and so judgments people make on others are the first impression of someone.

However, when it comes to LOVE, then I'd disagree. I think attraction can be about appearance, but love isn't. I think it's difficult to be attracted to someone you find ugly, but I also think that as we form relationships (of any kind) with people, looks become less and less important, and so it is easier to become attracted to someone (if that makes sense?).

For me, I genuinely hate the way I look. I always have and probably always will, and part of that is probably down to me since the major issue is my weight. I don't think anyone has ever been attracted to me, but that hasn't stopped people loving me. I know my family and friends love me, even if my depression makes it hard to see that some days.

Whether you believe it or not, confidence and loving yourself are much more important. I really wish I had good social skills because whatever people think of the way you look, if you come across as a kind and happy person, people automatically warm to you. I'm working on being a more outgoing and friendly person because my looks have often been the driving force behind me hiding away from people. But the way you present your personality to the world is much more important in forming relationships. Let's be honest, here: most people would choose the ugly but kind person over the good looking but horrible person. And people that wouldn't love you romantically just because of your looks when you have an amazing personality are, quite simply, too shallow. Now, the people that can accept you for who you are and love you for YOU, they'll form an attraction to you. They're the keepers. Remember: attraction can be grown, it can develop. Love is very rarely "at first sight".

On a more sentimental note, I would really like to tell you you're beautiful. Sure, I have no idea what you look like. You might look like one of the witches out of Roald Dahl's book for all I know. But beauty is about heart. So remind yourself you are beautiful - love yourself, and you might find that others start to do the same.

From one "ugly" person to another - chin (or chins, in my case) up and trust you're worth a hell of a lot.

Sending hugs

Em
made me cry....thank you so much
 
#15
I strongly disagree. First of all you should define "ugliness". What is ugly and is what not ugly beautiful? Those two terms are really the antonyms of each other? Can't a thing, anything, be ugly and beautiful at the same time? I don't mean that the way you look might be ugly but you can still be good inside, not a bs like that. You think you're ugly because the media and the capitalism want you to think so. Are you that weak to surrender them? I've talked with you for a while, and i know that you're not.

I've been a morbid obese whole my life and I've been through so much depressions, weaknesses and mental disasters. But not to be loved is not one of them. Maybe my parents' and family's treats to me made it easier for me (as i talked with you, they treated me like i'm the Allah himself). But all i know is i've met too many people whom i am loved by. And i'm currently seeing someone and day by day i'm falling for her, according to her she feels the same as me (one can never know). Thank you for reading my comment that far, i wish you a good self confident and depression-free life.
 

Kolisar

SF Supporter
#16
Hi @Cagla,

I want to echo what @EmB said, and from a male perspective.

Society puts far too much emphasis on physical appearance (for the record, I am not the most attractive guy, and I am getting older so I am not getting any better looking at 52). I have always viewed this issue, including attraction from a non physical perspective. Yes, if you are traditionally beautiful you may have more opportunities to meet someone, but you also have more opportunities to meet superficial people.

Beauty is a reflection of what is inside a person. If someone is kind, caring, and compassionate, that will show through regardless of their external appearance. If someone cannot see past the physical appearance they are not worth your time. When we get older (as I am learning, quite rapidly) our hair turns grey and we get wrinkles. If you cannot talk to the person, have a real conversation, there is no hope for a long term relationship. I have been saying since I was a kid "when we're 60 we'll all be grey and wrinkled, so what does physical appearance matter?". I am going to up that 60 as it is not that far away anymore, but I still believe it. I don't care if a woman is 300 lbs and is horribly disfigured. if she is kind, caring, and compassionate, that is what matters. I want a sense of humor, and intelligence so I can have a real conversation. I want someone who is openminded, someone who will listen and is willing to change their opinions when presented with new information.

So, after a long reply, the answer to your original question is "Yes". Someone who is not attractive can be loved. And, when you are, it will be by a much better person than someone who is only interested in physical appearance. I have dated heavy women and thin women. I have dated tall and short women. I have dated women who are not traditionally attractive, and some who are inarguably physically attractive. The common denominator was that they were all good people. And because of that, every relationship ended amicably when we realized that we had different goals or other things that rendered a long term relationship impractical. Physical appearance it irrelevant.

To please do not give up hope. I will agree with EmB, you are beautiful. I also do not need to see you to be able to say that. You are worth loving, and deserve love. You will find someone, or someone will find you.
 
#17
I'm ugly, and quite frankly, a handful. But, most of the time, I'm pretty sure my husband loves me.

I do think, however, being (or just feeling) ugly, does make it harder to believe that someone loves you.
 

JmpMster

Have a question? Message Me
Staff member
Forum Owner
ADMIN
#18
You think that way because you are a good person. But it is not true. Really. No one even wants to know you if you are... I am sorry :'(
You have clearly never been in a restaurant,, mall , any other place and seen what peopel are with other peopel as couples, and have never been to a school whe time for picking up kids to se who is picking up kids. Because if you are not intentionally being negative and difficult is very clear appearance is not much of a factor in relationships. But the simple fact is, people see what they choose to see.

Dating, getting looks and pick up lines and compliments from strangers- yes- absolutely is far more likely /easier if traditionally "hot" / "good looking" . This is about sexual attraction/sex, not love or relationships. There are a huge number of shallow people like yourself that put a huge amount of their value in physical looks.

Go to places where it is families, husbands and wives or older couples and not the single scenes / pick up locations/ or student in schools and it is very obvious looks have far less to do with relationships and love than most other things. Of course love and relationship have a lot more to do with maturity also, so is a disadvantage if looking at teens or early 20's thinking are looking around for a soul mate or love of your life. Is a reason why is over 60% divorce rate when people married both are under 25 and chance of divorce is 50% higher in younger couples than those over 25. (No- I am not throwing stones- been there/done that / got that merit badge too.)
 

Cagla

Well-Known Member
#19
You have clearly never been in a restaurant,, mall , any other place and seen what peopel are with other peopel as couples, and have never been to a school whe time for picking up kids to se who is picking up kids. Because if you are not intentionally being negative and difficult is very clear appearance is not much of a factor in relationships. But the simple fact is, people see what they choose to see.

Dating, getting looks and pick up lines and compliments from strangers- yes- absolutely is far more likely /easier if traditionally "hot" / "good looking" . This is about sexual attraction/sex, not love or relationships. There are a huge number of shallow people like yourself that put a huge amount of their value in physical looks.

Go to places where it is families, husbands and wives or older couples and not the single scenes / pick up locations/ or student in schools and it is very obvious looks have far less to do with relationships and love than most other things. Of course love and relationship have a lot more to do with maturity also, so is a disadvantage if looking at teens or early 20's thinking are looking around for a soul mate or love of your life. Is a reason why is over 60% divorce rate when people married both are under 25 and chance of divorce is 50% higher in younger couples than those over 25. (No- I am not throwing stones- been there/done that / got that merit badge too.)
I have been in a cave entire my life so yes I haven't seen them. You really hurt me. If I didn't feel this way I wouldn't write that and almost humiliate myself. And secondly I don't put my value in anywhere. I think I have no value.
 

Freya

IS the 'big guns'
Staff member
Forum Owner
ADMIN
SF Author
#20
I don't put my value in anywhere. I think I have no value.
I think that everyone has value - I think that you have value but I also think that if you think that you have no value, then that can easily come across to other people and it is hard to find someone attractive if that person thinks they are worthless and that is what they project - probably unconsciously.

I am a very overweight and physically unattractive woman; I completely understand the feeling that only the "attractive people" end up in loving relationships. I know objectively that isn't true - if you look at people in stores or in the street and objectively assess the situation, there are lots and lots and lots of "average" looking people in loving relationships all around and some people that you would probably consider to be unattractive but presumably their partner thinks otherwise.

I have this battle in my head - I know that it is shallow to believe that looks are the crux of developing relationships but knowing that - and believing that looks are far from the most important thing about a person - I still cannot let go of the belief that looks are 'the most important thing' - it is a bit of a painful contradiction and one that I have not worked out in my head yet. I suspect other people in my position have that same battle. I suspect you know that looks are not the important thing in a loving relationship but at the same time you can't believe that is true.

What would be the important things to you in a partner? If you were to make a list of things that you want in a partner, what things would you be looking for? I would guess that "someone who cares what I look like more than he cares who I am" is on the "hell no" list. I think there are people, maybe even lots of people, who care what someone looks like more than they care about the personality of that person. I also believe that you (and I, and anyone sane) doesn't want to be in a relationship with those people.

I really hope that you work on the feeling/belief that you have no value - that is not true and it is probably holding you back from forming a relationship far more than what you look like.
 

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