Uglyiness in a superficial world

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LightInTheDarkestNight, Aug 23, 2008.

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  1. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    ok here you go I've got peeling lips (eww gross crust) red veins on the tip of my nose, hugeblackheads there as well, it looks red, sometime it looks only "pink" depending on the light. pinkness, redness aroundthe nostrils I get whiteheads on the sides. I have a crooked nose, inflamattion around my lips that has been painful, neuropathy at times. I had a bunch of cold sores last summer on the right lower side of my mouth, it looks like a redish line(almost like lipstick from the right side view)

    now more recently

    redness around the lower sides of my mouth, My left jaw has receeded from some nerve damage, I have some slight swelling on the left side face a few inches around(not sure what caused or is causing it). Some of my skin has faded in color not sure the cause maybe it's kidney damage or something else. Lately I've had tons of spider veins, and red dots pop up all over my arms and body. My hairline has receeded unevenly, hairs on my nose, hairs in the middle of my eyebrows(not a unibrow but still)

    Lately with all my other health problems I've been having a ton of acne/whiteheads(invisble ones too) around my nose, chin and mouth area on top of the other issues. My skin has been itchy all over. joint,bone, muscle aches and pains, pain in swollen lymph node, fatigue just to name a few. My skin doesn't just look bad it alot of the time I can FEEL the irritaiton. Basically I'm in pain and or irritated all the time it's just to what degree, wether it's actual physical pain, or the worrying about how S***ty I look or both.I was anxious before with some issues but this has just gotten out of hand to the point where I feel so horrible, I'm not just some emo kid these are real things. My white blood cell count is really elavated and my IgG is really low a sign of some type of serious condition, such as leukemia, lympoma, chronic kidney damage)

    I can't workout with my body in this condition that's one thing I really enjoy doing.( I feel crampy and in pain just sitting there, doing simple things) let alone go out with a friend or have a job, go to school do anything normal whatsoever, build any meaningfull relationships, at this point I'm not even sure what's physically wrong with me...

    One doc thought vitamins and supplements would help but they only make my lips worse and my skin feels totally horrible I guess it drys it out.

    At the dentist the other day, I heard the lady go in the back room while I was on the turn around about x ray machine say somethin about "nightmares" most likely refering to me... When making a left turn at an intersection quite often I see people turn there heads as they're looking at me. People walking on the street(mostly women) look away when I drive by or they look at me and then touch their mouth, nose area etc....

    I've been alone for so long being too sensitive about my other physical defects and issues, letting anxiety take over.. and well now things have gotten way way worse. to the point where even going out to a doctor or get a bloodtest to figure out what's causing my physical problems is extremely stressful. Little things like that are way way harder then they should be.
    I haven't connected with a girl in 5 years, and this one girl who I get along with very well over the internet well I don't even want to go out and experience the extreme anxiety to meet her, I don't want her to see me in such a bad condition, who would?

    I wish I had "Normal Problems" like most people have, like my GF dumped me or feeling lonely...I have been alone for so long on top of things(not that those aren't legitmate problems but their fairly average and common) Sure worrying about ones looks is common but 99.99% of people don't have anywhere close to the things wrong with them, not counting overweight people which is overlooked and is easily fixable, minus those who have underlying conditions like diabetes etc.
    I haven't gone out with anyone in 2 months, and before that I was pretty antisocial. last year I didn't go out with any friends for well over a 12 months, lost contact with everyone, now I only have 1 friend. 3 months ago I was relatively happy in my own shoes and confident, despite my circumstances not being nearly as bad as they are now. I feel like i'm dying a slow and painful death with all of my physical ailments. I wake up numerous times in the ngiht when normally I sleep like a baby, my day starts up feeling hugely fatigued and feeling my body ache and itche..

    No one seems to understand how hard it is walking in my shoes. This one sweet girl who I get along with fairly well(chatted for a few months on msn, we haven't met yet she lives a couple hours away) told me she would have offed herself a long time ago if she was in my shoes with all the worrying I put myself through. It's hard to not worry when you feel the irritation and pain all the time and when you look in the mirror you can see it as well. People touching their nose and mouth area trigger exasberate my anxiety big time.

    if you took a group of people and put them in my shoes for the past few months most of them would have done themselves in a long time ago. Especially when I was experiencing severe pheripheral neuropathy around my lips/mouth...

    What would you do if it was you?
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 23, 2008
  2. jamie20m

    jamie20m Well-Known Member

    Wig for hair. Treatment for spots. Foundation for skin. Workout at home. Save up for nose job (they are getting cheaper these days). Keep improving each day in anyway you can. Never give up. One day you will be normal again.
  3. flowerpot

    flowerpot Well-Known Member

    If I were you, I would do something positive about it.
    I get the feeling that some of these problems aren't as bad as you think.. like a crooked nose?
    Lots of people don't have perfect noses, and it doesn't really matter
    Go to a dermatologist, I'm fairly certain that they will be able to help you out with your skin.
    Drink lots of water aswell, you can excercise in home if you really don't feel comfortable going out.
    Seriously though, just go to doctors!
    They can help you with these things, and you will feel so much better and pleased with yourself
  4. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    My nose is only slightly crooked I already had a nosejob that's why it's sorta crooked I didn't stop smoking before many years ago. My nose is still bigger then average but I looked better with it even bigger then it is now and being symetrical. My hair is more thinning I'm not totally balding, but the hairline has receeded more on one side..

    I was exercising at home, the thing if it was at all possible to workout at home I would as it is my passion. my bones and muscles ache without doing any work, there is some very serious underlying physical problem.

    I've already seen a dermatologsit he told me to use this oitment for my lips that's about it I dunno(it can cause cancer as well), I was already using this other cream around my mouth that can cause cancer. On vacation my lower lip started burning and it's been a ton of irritaiton ever since.

    I do drink a ton of water partially because I have an excessive thirst, I have all the symptoms of leukemia, cancer, kidney damage one of those 3.. . Really low IgG is sign of that anyways, it it could be causing skin problems and other physical ailments..

    I have been to various doctors over the past 3 months Well over a dozen, I need more tests etc, I have some defective gene, making me prone to kidney, liver damage, or maybe it's cancer who know's,
  5. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    oh yea the cream that can cause cancer I was using around my nose as it helped not feel the irriation and relieved some of the discoloration(only on the sides not on top) Then I used it around my mouth(after getting some dermatitis around there it got better) even though it wasn't that bad.. I was using it around my nose for well over a year and around my mouth for a few months. It also makes ur skin more prone to sun damage

    I hhad peeling lips for well over 6 months it was really gross and with all the sunlight on vacation it may have just given me cancer, since they were already so damaged. I even got a heat rash on my arms where my skin wasn't damaged..
    Letrozole which made my lips peel shouldn't have done that again, my body is genetically flawed..

    Why did I ever go on vacation, I felt relatively normal before, ever since then pretty much everything that could have gone wrong has.

    Pain in my neck lymph nodes...

    Without a functioning physical body you have very little hope for a happy and succesfull life. Like they say you don't know what you've got until it's gone don't take a functioning physical body for granted. I would give anything to be pain and irritaiton free, while looking average heck I'd even take below average... I could just build up a really nice body without having my Joints and muscles been in pain and agony not even stressing them. I could do so much with my life, better this world..
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 23, 2008
  6. Melmoth the Wanderer

    Melmoth the Wanderer Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I have bad skin as well (though I make it much worse by picking at it), and I know it's hard in a world like ours.

    Is the dermatologist helping at all? I'm wondering if it would be better to stop seeing him/her for a while. Sometimes side effects from the medicines are worse than the original symptoms. Go on It has a plethora of information about all kinds of skin problems and about how people are dealing with them. Try to simplify your skin regimen to decrease the possibility of irritation. Use petroleum jelly for your lips, for example.

    You said things became worse after your vacation. Did anything happen on your trip? I'm asking because I've read that sometimes, after traumatic events, our bodies manifest the trauma in physical ways. I myself am very psychosomatic, as is most of my family. I get headaches, heartburn, indigestion, stomach cramps, backaches, and general fatigue when I'm stressed. People may say that this is simply all in my head, but I know very well that its 100% real. Medications like ibuprofen and Mylanta help with the pain, but only dealing with the underlying stressor(s) helps in the long run.

    I hope things get better for you. :hug:
  7. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Proactive works great for acne. As far as the red veins on your nose, those are broken capillaries and can be fixed cheaply in a single visit to a dermatologist using electricity. I've had this done and the results are permanent. Blackheads too can be easily taken care of on your own or by an aesthetitian. Eyebrow and nose hair can be plucked or waxed. Moisturize your lips (carmex is great) and don't pick at them.

    Keep seeing the docs and do some research to find a really good specialist. Have they considered Lupus?
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2008
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