uh, just well...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by FBD, Feb 10, 2011.

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  1. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    so i dont really know why i should post anything on here at all anymore, and ive been good at not. i know i have no right to complain about anything, and if you (you should know who you are) see me posting, please for the love of whatever you want dont say a thing to me like the last time you saw i was posting. its taking me a lot to write something on here, but i just need to...need something i guess....

    also, this is probably triggering

    i counted what i had for pills the other night, i didnt take any, but i did look up what it might do to me if i take it all. death was there, but it wasnt my goal of taking them if i were to anyways. i mean the thought had crossed my mind, but well i wanted to hurt myself with it. i tried cutting, i did, but well where i usually cut myself if you can call it that well the skins thick and it wasnt working and i didnt know where else to do it. i broke down i mean i even fuckin failed at that. so pills easy take a bunch. right? well i managed to carve a little bit into myself, it helped it now speaks to me, my skin. the words are there. so that was good. its not enough thou. taking the pills woulda done more, i shoulda taken them then, i should take them now. but i wont now, at least not until ive finished this and thought about it and such, no i wont today i dont think. anyways, but they would hurt, my organs would hurt, i would be able to feel the damage and if it ended up ending my life, then well so be it. like i dont care if it did, while i was reading online somewhere said that id likely end up in a coma.id be ok with that, like i mean i read a little about comas after that, and it doesnt seem bad. its like a dream world for some people and its like a blackout for some, they dont remember anything or being in one, or i could just not wake up too. anyways trying to be in a coma isnt like attempting suicide cause my death wouldnt be the goal...so thats ok right? like taking pills to end up in a coma would be ok in comparision to taking it to finish off everything...i was thinking about that earlier actually...like it i duno....

    also, ive been kinda thinking if like i go for forever, and its not my own hand that does it its different too right? like if i happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time its different. i duno its like ive been justifing things to myself that i feel like people would jsut say it doesnt matter to, but i mean technically its different....right? yeah

    also, kinda i mean, well i dont think im borderline anorexic again, but i might be going back that way. i mean i still eat so i duno i just figured id throw that in here too, i duno

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    hi glad you got the courage to post Your issues are just as important as anyones here hugs
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