Uhm..I have no ideea for a name.LOL

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Regenesis, Dec 25, 2008.

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  1. Regenesis

    Regenesis Well-Known Member

    Hi again.Before I start this thread,let me justmake it cleer about the last one.
    1st:I am still alive.I said that I will kill myself then and that you will reply for nothing,but those that replied probably suspected that I might cange my mind and read them.Now,I dont know if that was a good or a bad think,but on a reply(I am on two forums,so I guess it was the other)a guy told me that it will hurt like hell,and I might not even die.When I was thinking to cut my wrists,I thought that is not that painful and that I'll die in about 5-10 min.
    I tried to cut myself,but just by taking the knife close to my hand,made me afraid.That guy scared the * * * * out of me with his reply.
    2nd.I heard on both forums guys that said(well,99% of you)that my parents are cruel and that they are the ones that like to make me feel bad,just because they are heartless and they can do that.That i not true.First,I should say that my parents haven't molested me,as som of you said,also,they did everything in their power to treat me as good as they could.I am the one that became a looser and disapointed them.They are right about what they say.

    Now,to my thread.AS you probably know,I had some thread on which I said that I hate girl that have sex,and I also gnore men that do it,by losing the only true friends that Id,because they had sex and I became distant from them.But in the last few days,I noticed that I started to stop hating girls,and to accept that I will never have sex.This is mainly because I have entered some asxual forums and I also have some contacts that are heterosexual(straight),but who are like 30-40 years old and never had sex.
    I still have problems regarding my views on sex,but now I am starting to accept that women are as humans as the rest of us,and that I shouldn't be bothered by others that have sex.If I keep it up,I will probably have no more problems regarding sexual life of humanity.Maybe until now I couldnt fully accept that I will never have sex,and that is probably a reason why I was seing sex like this.Maybe jealousy had a part in it.But now I don't care.There are lots of guys that feel atracted to women but never have sex.
    Now,to my problem.I can say that I am really happy that nw I am starting to think like that,because my hate for women and humanity in general drived me nuts.Unfortunatly,I noticed that all my life I will be a looser.Just think about it:now,I go to school,don't socialize with anyone,and then go back home.Next day the same.I am afraid that I will live all my life in my parents house,I will never become independent and I will have a lousy job.And It will be the same:work,home,work,home.Without socializng with anyone,without anything.
    You know,when I hated women,I always thought that I will live a normal life,but no one will ever love me and I will be alone,but at least ill have a job and a house.But now I noticed that things are not that way.If I cannpt change,I will stay all my life in this house,with a * * * * y salary,and living a lonely and * * * * y life.
    I never thought I'm gonna say this,but if someone will make me choose between a gf+sex and a happy life,Ill choose the happy life.Even if that guy coul guarantee that all girls will love me and ill be good at sex,I would still choose a happy life,instead of having sex and living like a dog for all my life.
    I always wanted to live in my own apartment,to have a nice job,and maybe someday to visit other countries.I would like a live on which to have a reasonable job and be independent.
    All I hope is that I will be able to change myself.To be honest,this has a greater impact on me then my hate for girls.
    If I could just become more sociable and be more secure on my strenght.I know that I will never have sex or a gf,but now this doesnt bother me anymore.But unlike sex,on my life I still have hope.I know that it all depends to me,and if I try hard,I might just have some of the life I want.On sex this is not posible,because I,know I am not capable to have a gf,but If I could have some of the life I want,then I could say I am happy that I havent killed myself.But if I wont,well.....you get the ideea.
    PS:I am aware that I have quite a few writing mistakes,but I am in a hurry and I cant correct them now.Sorry
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