uhoh no friends

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Hache, Sep 13, 2013.

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  1. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    Wow, this place looks different.

    I haven't been on since January, just before I got a job, I have since left that job, I didn't like it at all and still lived at home, ended up on meds and in therapy. Now I have moved to a new city to study and start again. Today is day 3, I have no friends, my flat mates all do their own thing, no one is ever in.

    I don't know how I can make new friends. I am worried, my anxiety and depression is picking back up again.

    I need someone to take me out now, I need a good night out, I need to get drunk and have a good time, but I have no one to do it with.

    Oh well, this move backfired, I told my therapist I was worried because a lot depended on who my flat mates would be and if they'd go out and with me. She said I needed to form a backup group by joining a club or society at the school, but they haven't started yet and would be very rare occasions. I am in the shit, I need help now, it needs to happen now. There's nothing I can do though, how can I go out without people :( I need saving before it is too late :(

    Friday night and all alone having spent another day without human interaction.
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Hache - take a deep breath. Three days in a new place and of course you are lonely and filled with panic. Just breathe and relax. School is a natural breeding ground for friends if you are prepared to put yourself out there a bit. Once class starts you will naturally meet people, and the chances are almost everyone will be looking for people to hang out with. It is a matter of asking people if they fancy grabbing lunch, a coffee - definitely join clubs and societies (filled with people also joining clubs and societies in order to meet other people) but don't wait for the next 'meeting' to meet; suggest getting together before then - invite as many people as possible.

    I know it sounds lame but use social media; tell people you don't know anyone and can you add them on facebook (a bit less intense than swapping out cell numbers when you hardly know each other) and use social media to be... sociable (as opposed to just nosey like most people!)

    If you feel really brave, start a new group - there must be noticeboards or a school facebook. Outside of school, there will be groups in town - go check those out. Get on meetup.com and start a meetup for people who fancy just grabbing a drink once a week or movies or... I do not know what you like to do, but you get the idea.

    Three days is a tiny tiny amount of time - stop telling yourself the move backfired and you made a mistake. You hardly know your flatmates yet - maybe they just need to warm up. Talk to them - if they are in for the night, ask them if they want to get a pizza, watch a DVD with a beer... whatever. Friends aren't going to drop in your lap but the awesome thing is, almost everyone wants friends so you are already on a front foot. Be proactive and give it time :)
  3. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    Hi Freya, thanks for the reply.

    I live 40 minutes away from the University and only have classes 2 days a week and only 4 hours on each of those days. I might be able to start talking to people there next week but it will take so long to build up relationships to actually do something :(

    I went on citysocializer, there is an event tomorrow night but 95% of the people going are middle aged women. I did look at meetup but the event tonight was full, there aren't any other good/suitable ones any time soon.

    My flatmates seem to already have their own friendship groups, not with each other either. I did try to wriggle in with 1 and suggested we all go out but it didn't go down too well. I thought we'd all be going out together and getting to know each other but it seems that is not the case, even when I tried. 1 of the flatmates is just never here at all.

    I'm all alone in my room for the best part of 24 hours a day.

    I don't know where the opportunity to meet people is going to come from, I am panicing because this cannot drag out for weeks, I am too weak for that, I left my job and came here because I was so alone I wanted to die.
  4. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    If you only have classes for eight hours a week, what about getting a job? Help you get out, meet people, extra cash etc :)
  5. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    I have started applying for jobs but truth is I have no hope in it because I have never made friends on any of my previous jobs. I need alcohol to make friends. Therapy hasn't helped changed that because it involves doing stuff alone. I just need one person to take me by the hand :(
  6. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    I am unsure how to respond to "need alcohol to make friends" as I do not drink so that is beyond me. I find common ground is far better than inebriation for the friend making process. Do you try to make friends at work or just wait for someone to 'take you by the hand' ?
  7. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    Wait, or the people I do talk to it doesn't go beyond work, neither has it for any of the people I have worked with with each other. I guess I work in the wrong environments.

    I need alcohol for the dutch courage, my self esteem and confidence is too low, comes out as shyness without alcohol to relieve the stress.

    From past experience once I have established a good social network my confidence returns, usually once I have a gf, then I do not need alcohol.
  8. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    maybe you feel like you have no friends

    but when you are a friend these future people are going to know what they missed today... the time they could have had

    in this internet world.... away from the in the real world
    people think greatly of you

    i remember you so much
  9. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    Hi Suzy :)

    Its good to see you are still around. I hope you have been doing well.
  10. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    life isnt easy for i have to embrace changes

    when you come around i want to just let you know .... in some way, that my friendship is based on you and how you are and were

    but your life has been away full of change... not so easy at times but change
    i miss you
  11. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    If only change always made things better
  12. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    In my experience - friendships always take time to build. I can understand the part about talking to people in work only - but without putting in the effort (re, most of the day you're in your bedroom), how can you anticipate change?

    Other than that - most of my advice would be along a similar line to Freya's.

    Although alcohol is good for any confidence and breaking down inhibitions, it is not a necessity. Perhaps you are putting too much emphasis on "needing" the substance to approach people and not looking hard enough for alternative ways to handle the situation.
  13. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    Maybe, but I want to be out socializing. I have never found any social event other than drinking remotely interesting or engaging. I live next to a night club and all I hear every night is people having fun together.

    A significant purpose for this move was to put me into social situations with people my age. I didn't have that at the crap work I did. Now I am here and I am not in those social situations and there is next to nothing going on at all.

    My anxiety is back.

    I used to have loads of friends and was socially fulfilled, even had a gf, went out every other night.

    I have too much time to be patient.
  14. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    The anxiety is bad, it's building, I'm in big trouble
  15. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Socialising doesn't necessitate alcohol requirements. Living next to a nightclub would give you a false impression, but alcohol is a depressant, and any form of "false courage" picked up from it, isn't you being yourself. It's you under a disguise (the disguise being the alcohol itself), which in turn could make you less appealing to those around you.

    Do you have an addiction problem with the alcohol? Possibly not, but there is a possibility you are reliant on it to be who you want to be, which in turn if the addiction was severe enough, would only add another issue to any previous problems. It doesn't solve any previous problems either, it just delays dealing with them.

    Patience is a virtue. Things aren't going to fall in your lap at the click of your fingers, and you have to work towards making it possible. Have you got a psychiatrist/therapist/doctor that you can discuss potential anti-anxiety medication with in order to manage your anxiety - as you had the social fulfillment and a gf I would say that what was happening prior to the move (regarding those), worked.

    I can sympathise with starting afresh - I started a brand new school age 11 knowing absolutely no-one and had to start from scratch with making friends. Yet it took time, and patience, in order to get anywhere with doing so. And a fair bit of persistent effort on my part.

    Yes I understand everyone is different. And we each find our own paths. Drinking falsifies personas in my eyes, that's just my opinion - not one you have to agree with. Is there absolutely nothing else that you can find interest in? From bird-watching/nature to music (playing instruments/composition etc), or from computers to philosophy, there's a broad range of topics out there, many of which we are unlikely to put a personal interest in, but if what's happening now isn't working, maybe it's time to adjust the goals?
  16. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    I've been on anti depressants over the last 6 months, 1 didnt work, the next one gave me uncontrollable anger, so I'm off them all now for this "move". The doctor didnt want to try me on a new one when the move was happening and the ball was left in the therapists court to prepare me for the move.

    I have no social hobbies.

    It's nearly 1am, all I can here are drunk students shouting on the street. Here I am locked in my room, suffering anxiety attacks.

    What a disaster.
  17. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Ah - i presume UK location then... the timing is similar for me lol.

    Drunk students... never fun. :hug:

    No social hobbies... what have you tried?
  18. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    I can't sleep because of the anxiety and the noise. The noise is ridiculous, but I am tied into this tenancy agreement for the next 12 months now.

    I don't know how you try new things? I am too socially anxious for sport and I have an eating disorder. That pretty much rules most activities out.
  19. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    How about thinking games like Chess - that's a 1 vs 1 game.. (white pieces vs black) ?

    And not all activities have to be physically exerting. Bird watching (for example), is one that requires focus and a pair of binoculars. If you can - locate various National Geographic programs (can find the tv guide online and watch via youtube to start with) - that can help. As well as the discovery channel?

    Noise from drunks - living next to a nightclub would do that unfortunately. Especially on a Friday or Saturday. :console:
  20. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    The ad for this place said it was at a quiet and peaceful end of the street :( but all I can hear are people shouting, kicking the bins, laughing, talking loudly. It's been like that every day this week, granted students are back this week so out every night. Which I should be.
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