Im not sure what to do now, i cant bare sitting in my room anymore. I want to get up and leave but there seems to be no options. I cant go abroad cause my passport runs out in a week and i only have 2k saved up and that would run out quickly. so id end up back home, minus the money ive saved. i cant wake up another day here and spend the day doing nothing, there is nothing i can do, im waiting to move back to manchester, as if its going to be some magical cure. only thing it will mean is i can drink more and can easily get illegal drugs, which will help me escape the reality of my life. tho on pills/weed etc my existance is just tolerable, just. tho it always ends in pity and tears cause i know in my heart of hearts im not meant to be here anymore. i could get in my car and drive upto scotland or somewhere, but then what? sit in my car and drink and sleep, then waht about the next day? i have no friends to goto, no real friends at all. i live with my parents and gran and each day is a struggle to appear 'ok' and get on with stuff. get up, smoke, drink coffee, sit about all day. i just want to go off teh rails and do something, anything. ive done a google search about trying to "section" myself but it returns nothing useful. even if i did, what do they do apart from keep an eye on me while i do nothing, bored to tears just minus the drink and smoking. what are my options? id kill myself in a split second if i could, but i cant cause of my mother. so where do i go and waht do i do? been to the dr once again, she is basically giving up on me i think. she wont give me valium or codein. all she wants to do is refer me to alcohol and drug therapy, who can be fucked with that? there is no point, i know ihave problems and i dont need to talk about them, there is no solution to them apart from me leaving, which i cant do till my mum passes, but saying that tears me up. my step dad says im better off in a box. so is that it? im meant to sit and drink and cut myself till something works out? i ask god for help and nothing happens, he's given up on me too. cant blame him, im a total waste of time. do i have to just goto hospital and check in? what good will it do, ultimately? i wake up, drink brandy, take painkillers, sleep, wake up, cry, cry ,cry, think about all the potential i had which ive ruined, think about all the ex's who i loved who gave up on me. what would you do if you were me? and dont give me any of this go for a walk, read a book bullshit, i can barely turn on the computer and play with all my expensive toys, it all means nothign to me, nothing. today i drove round derbyshire in my shitty old car full of rust, sat alone on the cliff edge wondering how did i turn out like this, wishing my sister hadn't of passed...if she hadnt i wouldnt of been born. what a total shame, a total waste of life. nothing nothing never ever will end this deep hole inside my soul, this horrible empty feeling of indifferance to everybody. i have so many talents, but none i could make a career of. i left a drama school that most people would give there right hand to be at, im no good at it. Im so tired of breathing and thinking i wish i could just release it all. what can i do? this is not a sympathy vote or cry for help. i justdont know where to turn. my mum is suffering and getting ill cause of my unhapiness, it makes her worse, so i cant talk about how i feel. i have to deal with everybodys shit all the time, pretend im ok so they are ok, im not ok, i think about how i want to die every hour of every day. all the dr can say is the drinking stops the AD's working, well no shit sherlock, ill just stop drinking then yea? yea dead easy, what shall i do instead? idont want to do anything else unless it alters my mindset and releases me a little. ive had 2 bottles of wine, half of brandy and 4 500mg codamol, so least i can now vent a little, but tomorrow its another day and when i wake up at 2pm first thing i will think about is ' how do i go on today?' what are my options?