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um a rant?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Pink Teardrops, Jun 3, 2010.

  1. Pink Teardrops

    Pink Teardrops Well-Known Member

    Feeling the cold air, entering through the cracks of the windows, hearing the wind blow against it, dreading what is to come. Nowhere to hide, not even in my own mind, it tears at the every idea of my existence. I try to find a corner where it can't find me, but I know that there is no hiding, no running, if it wants me it will take me, I can fight, but will the war ever be over, I can win the small battles, but they take everything I have, I am tired, I don't want to fight anymore. I just want to lay down and let it take me, to do with me what it wants. I don't want to care anymore, I just want to dig a hole and lay down. But I know that is not going to stop it. Why am I cursed like this, why can't I be what they call as normal, not having to think, let the thinking be done for me. This is not living, always looking behind me, wondering, fearing, crying......... what babble do I type here, does it make any sense at all, is it suppose to make sense. Why ask a question, when I really never get an answer. I don't want the answer. These thoughts are just scrambled in my head, and can't sort them out. Am I insane or have I ever been sane. How fair is it, when I am not even safe in my own dreams. I'm frightened, alone, helpless. Despondent. hateful, vengeful. Madness seems the only way out, will they just throw me in a room, confined to wear a straight jacket for the rest of my life, staring at the padded walls, whispering my secrets that everyone knows. Will they just ignore me, pass me by on the street with my hand out, asking, begging, only to be stepped on, kicked and laughed at. Will I allow it to happen, yes, because there is nothing that can be done. The darkness engulfs my very soul, if there is no one left, or if there was ever anyone. Coming to bring me back, to live in despair, hopelessness, nonexistent, discarded like an old book. scaring everyone around me, watching them run away, as I am kneeling there, holding out my arms, asking, begging. I don't welcome the darkness, it just invades, slapping me across the face, tearing at my skin, til there's nothing left, but it keeps coming wanting more, knocking me into a wall, slamming me on the floor, laughing at me, because it knows that I am defenseless. Alone. Naked, waiting for the end to come, but it just teases me, laughing at me, as it throws rocks at me. Feeling each one cut into my flesh, breaking my bones. I don't know what I'm thinking or even saying. Madness. short comings, disappointment, losing, lost, screaming. Smeared in my blood will it ever stop, watching the darkness staring at me, trying to figure out what to do next, but I know all too well that it doesn't have to think long, it strives to torture, ripping me apart, chewing on my soul like it was a piece of fat, spitting it out, watching it as it hits the ground. Hate, anger, shameful memories. Distaste, vomiting the darkness in me. Standing out just to be knocked down again, Standing strong, to have my legs cut off, falling down once more. Terrified, lost, darkness all around, isolated, hated, feared, laughed at, despised, useless. I hold my head out only to have it torn off, the fight is useless, but I endure the punishment of my crimes, one billion lashes, scars of countless beatings, wounds not healed but reopened. Salt being poured in to them, rubbed into them. Washing myself with a brillo pad, to get it off me. It won't let me die, or I won't die, why do I fight, it's pointless, useless, undetermined, beyond madness, screaming, yelling, crying..I hold out my hands, begging, it just laughs, showing it's teeth, snarling at me. begging for the end, but not seeing it. tired of running, hurting, thinking, living. NO!!! I YELL, I WILL NOT LET ME CONSUME ME!!!!!! Laughter, smirking, kicking, crawling, fighting, defenseless. Stay away, I am poison, all I do is hurt.... why exist, why care, why love, why live........... tearing out my heart, watching it beat as it's thrown against the wall, breaking into a million pieces, all the king horses and all the kings men, who am I kidding.

    Running, walking, falling. darkness, silence, not even the wind is heard, is it gone, or is it playing with me once more. What more, has it broke me, is this all that is left a shell of a man, what is a man, is there such a thing... BULLSHIT.... You have to be strong, yeah right..... have I chosen this road, or did it just appear. should I of sold my soul, what is it worth, nothing.... not even a rats dinner.

    Ripping away at me, what more does it want... I cannot give what I do not have...... just leave me alone..... let me find a corner, I will not bother anyone, please...... But what use does begging do, just makes you weaker, I am sick, a sickness that cannot be healed, self torture. self hate, self life.... meaningless... nonsense, hateful, all that I strive not to be......... Thrown in a cell and lose the key, destroy it, throw it in the fire..... watching my freedom melt away…….
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Wow very well written piece descriptive a part of ones soul Keep venting ranting get it out of you so you don't have to stay in that corner alone. Get it out in the open where you can attack it and heal yourself withing. Medication therapy all good weapons to destroy it take care my well written friend keep up the small fights because it is they that will win the battles for you.
  3. Pink Teardrops

    Pink Teardrops Well-Known Member

    Thank you for replying and for the encourament..
    I was just rambling.. but it's good to get it out.
    Take care.