Hi, I don't know how to do this really. I've had problems with depression for most of my life, I think. I've had maybe too many experiences with loved ones dying since I was very young, and it kind of made me a pariah, socially. My mother died last month from cancer, leaving me the last member of my immediate family. Her illness was very painful and degrading, and I abandoned her. I couldn't get close to someone and watch them die, I guess. I'm having a hard time living with this. She was a good person with deep emotions and she meant a lot to a lot of people. And then there's me, not good at anything, can't manage to go to school or hold a job or anything, and people don't want to know me if I'm not being fake. I guess I'm supposed to be pretty, happy and selfless at all times or else I'm unwanted. My surviving aunts and uncles hate me, and think I'm an addict or trying to get money or something, but I'm not, I don't even drink, but they don't believe me. I keep thinking that my friends and family would still be alive if I hadn't existed, and all the tragedies would stop if I wasn't alive. I'm not a real person, that gets to do things or be listened to, and there's nothing I want to do in life anymore. I'm just some stupid joke that no one thinks is funny anymore. I don't have any support network to speak of, only my cat, if she counts. I've been thinking of going to the hospital but I'm afraid they'll yell at me. Also I feel guilty just thinking about it because I'd be taking up space and time and resources that could help someone who matters or deserves to feel better or has real problems. um, so that's me and why I'm here.