Um.... hello?

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Ouch, Sep 2, 2012.

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  1. Ouch

    Ouch New Member

    Hi i'm reed but you can call me ouch. I'm 15 years old, female, gonna be 16 on november 30th. I have a younger sister who's 11 and my 6 year old brother is autistic. I have a few really close friends also. Sometimes i feel like my siblings and my friends are the only people i want to live for. I live in London, and i go to an all-girls school (bleh..). As you can tell, i'm rubbish at introductions so yeah.

    I think i've always felt angry at life, my parents, and myself, but it wasn't till about a year ago that i started feeling really depressed about things. Sometimes i have bad days, and sometimes (though recently this is rare) i have good days. No one has ever noticed that i suffer from depression, and so when my mother found out i was suicidal (she saw the cuts on my arm and didn't the believe the story about my friends cat..) , it was a shock. I guess i hated her even more because she just couldn't understand what i was going through. Some days i feel so bad inside that i cry for hours because all i want to do is die. I cry because i'm still alive. But she thinks it's just years of anger making me into a 'bitter' and 'upset' person. I know better. I have always hated myself, ever since i was a kid. I guess i hate my looks more than anything, i'm not completely horrendous (who is?) but i do look like complete crap compared to other girls. I have issues with not only my looks but my height (i'm like 4'8 and i'm almost 16 for christs sake.) , my family (hate my strict, unsympathetic parents), and confidence. I have terrible self esteem, and even though i've never been told it, i truly believe i'm ugly, both on the inside and out.

    I don't know what else to say I hate living a worthless life, it's like I have no future, nothing to live for. My grades are in a crisis, and i'm unsure what to do with my life. Cutting myself let me focus on a pain other than the one in my heart. Sometimes I know why i'm sad, sometimes i dont, sometimes i just cry for no reason and this makes me scared and confused as to whats wrong with me. I don't know if i may be bipolar or what, but what i do know is that i'm like severely depressed. I've done millions of depression tests online ad all of them tell me i'm not right in the head. Suicide runs through my head frequently, in fact its gotten so bad that even when i feel like i ma be happy, in the dark corners of my mind, i'm still wishing that i could drop dead. I used to ask god if he'd spare a sick childs life in africa, and let me die instead. Now i just try to do it myself. I've lost all faith, i'm not even sure if i want to believe in god. I tried hanging myself twice before, the first time with a belt but i chickened out last minute and ended up with bruises on my neck. I would really like to take pills, or even better use a gun, but sadly i dont have access to either.

    I've been cutting myself for a few months now (was never brave enough before and always got too scared). The first time i did it, it felt so good i cant even explain. I just wanted to cut deeper till i bled to death (sorry, am i allowed to say that on here...kinda skipped the rules :/ ) I have one friend who feels the same way, just that shes not overly depressed, and shes only cut once. I havent cut in 2 weeks because recently i've been scratching at my scabs and they itch me. I wish that i didnt feel this way but i cant count on my feelings. They're like a freaking roller coaster, one minute im sad the next im okayish, im never truly happy except when i daydream. Thats another thing, my daydreams are mostly of me being someone else, different family, different life, me wishing i was happy. I've been to the doctor and shes going to refer me to a therapist or whatever. I'm not sure about that as i get weird when speaking to adults i dont know, im terrible around adults (not only cuz im short haha) i always think they look at me with pity or annoyance i dunno its hard to explain the sick feeling i get when i have to talk to someone im not comfortable with. The doctor has taken some blood samples 'to see if theres a medical reason' behind my depression whatever thats supposed to mean -__- but right now i just want something anything a cure to make me happy. I constantly feel like time is running out, like soon enough its gonna be too late for someone to save me. I hope thats not true, but on a bad day i'd be wishing it were.

    sorry for any spelling mistakes, or if i just bored you. hope thats enough of an introduction, i suck at them.
    if you want anything else (like an email, photos, or blog url) whatever it is, just ask
    if you hate me already cool. i hate moi too :)haha
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun no none will hate you here. I am glad you found an outlet here to release some of that sadness inside you. You mom does not understand depression because she has not felt it herself hun. I hope you can see a psychiatrist who can help you set you up with therapy to help you with your low self esteem and with your depression. You are young hun so you will have many changes to go through still I bet you alot of the changes will bring you more happiness. You keep talking to us ok post on the forums talk in chat it will help hun as well hugs to you Welcome to SF hun
     
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Honey, it is never too late for someone to save you, but the best person for doing that is yourself and you making your own mind into a friend, your best friend, which will be better for you than how it is at the moment. If you'd like to PM me - I don't think you are stink at introductions, you've written a brilliant one up there, very explicit, and it's very, very good for reaching out and asking for some help, because you know things can be/should be better than they are for you atm.
    I totally understand how it is at 15 - I went through similar and cut once, still have the scar, (the remains of, although almost faded away now). I understand, looking back now, like 42 years (yes, I'm ANCIENT!!) why I did it, the similar feelings you've described so well. I feel like, perhaps I could be a substitute grandmother figure for you, offering you some help and guidance? If you'd like to. :)
     
  4. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF, Reed.

    About those blood tests, you might be surprised how many physical ailments cause depression-like symptoms. It ranges from thyroid issues to blood sugar imbalance to viral infections and so on and so forth. They do these tests in order make sure there aren't any contributing physical conditions that may be causing or exacerbating your depression. If there are, they'll want to go ahead and treat those right away. If blood work comes back looking normal, they can think about perhaps having you try out strictly brain specific meds (like anti depressants) if you feel comfortable with that.
     
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