um. oh my god.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by blephenstoom, Oct 14, 2012.

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  1. blephenstoom

    blephenstoom Member


    i'm a young adult. i've never, not once, attempted to kill myself. i've been absolutely devoid of joy since i was fifteen. i'm a stumbling, fumbling, tumbling, crumbling, bumbling buffoon. i always know exactly what to say when i see other's suffering in front of me and i have had the pleasure of stopping a friend of mine from killing herself when she was faced with a belligerent series of bereavements. i'm a talented equivocator and i'm able to hide the gravity of my gloom with ease and finesse. although i'm currently bent on my artistic vocation, i've become quite the nihilist. i don't see why i should continue to embarrass myself and see failure towering over me in every walk of my life. i currently live with someone who seems to be finding success everywhere he looks, and i'm starting to see more and more, when i reflect on my past, all the reasons, true, confirming the anomaly of my existence. i'm sure many of those who knew me would utter a gasp or two but allow three years to go by and they'll still be laughing and wassailing away their weekends. they'll cook, they'll clean, they'll work, they'll make love. they'll get over it. the answer to "can't they see i'm losing?" would be "no", because i'm not an exhibitionist. i frown upon it, rather. and very strongly. i'd rather be proactive and make a new friend and make everyone around me laugh. i'm scared and reluctant to leave the apartment. the world is such an awful place. it's been too long. i no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun I am sorry to hear about your suffering inside for so long You hide your pain when you could reach out like now and get help to heal. The anomaly of your existence perhaps it is to help others as you did so with your friend hun You are a young adult with so many paths to chose from there is light hun and the world is not all dark you are just looking in the wrong places hugs to you Welcome to SF hun
  3. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    Do you remember what it was like to feel joy? Do you feel anything at all?
  4. blephenstoom

    blephenstoom Member

    this forum will not be in any way useful to me, so i don't think i'll continue to use it. thank-you for your time.
  5. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    blep hope you wil reconsdier using this website.. do not judge, put down or take you any way but who you are atm.. is ok to glance around your put up walls and remove the masks and just let it out here with us.. many of us also have had and some still have the greatest fears of going otu and into the world with other people.. what helped me with that was the previous website i was on for abotu 12 yrs learning that it is safe to come otu and be with other people.. maybe this place can do some of the same for you.. take care , Jim
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