um.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Unregistered348025932, May 19, 2008.

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  1. *possible trigger?*

    Ugh. I just don't know what to do. I feel lost. Lost with a fucking capital L-O-S-T.

    There's no eloquent way to put this: I was raped...for the third time last night. It's funny how hard it is to admit it. I haven't revealed anything of this to anybody - save one close person - and frankly, I don't intend to. It's...I don't know what it is. I don't even know why I'm posting this. Closure, maybe?

    My mind is reeling right now. I can't focus on any one single thought. I spent the whole day in a sort of numb state at work and all, and now I'm just confronted with a whirl of emotions I can't identify or place any single one thought. I just feel...blah. Dirty. Used. Expendable. Subhuman. A bit like a fucking low-life cheap streetwalking whore. Guilty, even. I wonder...did I do something to deserve this? I was told I had it coming. Do I act provocatively? Do I dress provocatively?
    What's more is I knew him, and I trusted him. Hell, he's my neighbor, and lives right upstairs. I want to know what was going on in his mind when he did it. Admittedly, he was high...but I've never heard of a violent person on hemp.
    I wonder if I'll ever be able to look him in the eyes again. I saw him in the stairwell earlier today, and he just glared at me...coldly, imperceptibly. The look was impossible to read.

    Just...

    Guilt. Was it my fault? I feel like I betrayed the person closest to me with what happened. And looking back at the night's events, I should have been able to see what was going to happen...at least so it seems now. Maybe I should have fought harder? All though I don't see what else I could have done.

    I want to take an ink pot and just blot the memory into oblivion. I can't get his face out of my head, the taste...Washing with bleach twice wasn't enough to stop feeling like filth. And I just feel like trash.

    I want to die.
    I need to die.

    This is fucking ridiculous. In two hours I need to get myself to work again and act like I'm fine, whilst all I really want to do is disappear. I can't play hooky and sit at home and cry for hours. I'm wondrously penniless again, and I have to get rent money together.

    Just shoot me, somebody. :cry:
     
  2. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    oh i am so sorry this fuck has done this to you.

    its not your fault hun, no one deserves to be treated like that, i have no idea what you are going thru right now so this may be of no use to you but all i can say is this man has done wrong by you and needs to be punished.

    to be honest i would get as many of my friends together and beat the living crap out of him but i know that is wrong.

    dont let him get away with it, report this to the police and make him pay.

    sorry i can't be of more help.

    please be safe hun
     
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    how awful, i am so sorry this happened.
    can you call your local rape crisis line? they can really help, both in terms of listening as well, putting you in touch with a counsellor, as well as figuring out your legal options. it doesn't matter if he was high, or for that matter, if you were high. if you didn't consent it was rape. it should not have happened.
     
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Sweetie,

    I'm sorry this happened to you. You are not to blame. It was not and is not your fault. You did not and do not deserve this. You did not "have it coming" to you. You did not ask for it or want it.

    You blame yourself - but you could not have foreseen that someone you trusted and knew would do this. Please blame him because he, NOT you, is the one at fault.

    You are safe and alive right now. I can tell you feel very badly, but you're still here; so you are strong and a survivor. You say that you want or need to be dead, but I will respectfully disagree with you. What he did makes you "feel" that way. But the very fact that you "feel" like that tells me that some part of you is angry and hurt by such abusive treatment and deep inside you know you really want and deserve to be alive.

    I agree with Andyc68 who suggests going to the authorities with this. At the very least it puts the scum who did it "on record"; he may already be "on record" and any details you give could be new information that may assist in getting him arrested before he hurts someone else. Telling the people who can charge him and prosecute him may help you to feel that you continued to fight back. However, I can imagine how hard it might be to make the report, and only you can choose what to do. (BTW, you have already been very brave and courageous in coming here to tell about it.) I'd like to add to Andy's suggestion - please get some counseling for an assault/rape survivor. The support will help you, and counseling doesn't mean you can't handle things - it actually means you are taking care of yourself by asking for and receiving support for something that anyone would need support for.

    I'm sorry that the need to gather rent money is not allowing you some time of to deal with this situation with some rest.

    Again, I'm sorry to hear about what happened. There is always a caring person somewhere around this site, so please come back any time and vent or just "chat" about regular stuff (such chat can also be good for the soul!).

    A.
     
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You need to call a rape crisis line at the very least. They can help you deal with the pain and give you information and resources that will help you deal with this. Rape is such a violent act and you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of hun. Please dont bottle it up and try to deal with this alone. From expeience I know, it will only deepen the hurt and the memories will never go away if you dont atleast talk about it.
     
  6. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :hug: I'm so sorry that happened to you, please know that my PM box is open if you need anything.
     
  7. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    Geez, I'm sorry, unreg :sad:

    It's never your fault that another takes sexual advantage of you :hug:

    I dunno what else to say....God, I know... how you feel... :sad:

    my PM box is open for you :hug:
     
  8. Somehow I figure that I won't be able to breath a word of this to anybody; I don't even have the guts to log into my account and post from there, let alone call a crisis line or report anything. Anonymously, however, for the first time in a long time I'm forced to admit I'm really not okay.
    Physically, I'm trashed. Bruised all over and yeah. Mentally, I'm simply confused. I can't stop thinking it was my fault. There had to be something I did...

    I figure all I can do is wait a while to see if I manage to forget all of what happened. If not, well...I've been dreaming of simply vanishing off the face of the world for quite a while already. My current situation isn't improving itself no matter what I do. So, finanically, socially, and family-wise, I'm a total wreck...I'm sick of lying through my teeth, fooling everybody around me into thinking I'm alright. Just about ready to throw in the towel, in fact. One person is stopping me from acting on impulse, for now. It's merely the fear of hurting him...I really do love him with everything I have. I wonder if that'll be enough to keep me from doing anything stupid; there's the thought that he just might be better off without me. Actually, he would.

    Anyways, I'm rambling now. I'm sorry for mucking up boardspace, but it helps mildly just to see my thoughts penned out somewhere.

    Thanks so much to everybody that posted for the kind replies, especially for the PM offers. Hopefully, y'all won't have to deal with anymore of my whining. :D Take care of yourselves, and all the best.

    /S.Dreams.
     
  9. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    I am sorry this happened to you. You are not alone.
     
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