umm..

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kiba, Feb 15, 2013.

  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Paranoid, afraid. They all hate me.. everyone hates me. Staring at me.. watching my every move. Worried.. what is wrong.with me? Screaming in my head and crying.. hating myself..
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun those thoughts are just thought ok they cannot harm you hun You call your doctor ok and get your medication looked at you call a relative a friend so you can get some support to help you . hugs
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Heyas, are you on any meds that could lessen your paranoia? If not then I think it is time to, huge hugs! xx
     
  4. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    No :( asked therapst about anxiety prn..

    Should i.stay or should i go..
    I question myself so why must others as well..
    What is real, what is not..
    What happened and what did not.
    Am i fooling myself? Am i fooling others?
    Am i messed up or am i just fine?
    This question apears on a daily basis.. i ask my best friend.. she gets pissed off.. tired of me saying the same things, tired of my repeated questions.. i cant figure iy
     
  5. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    No :( asked therapst about anxiety prn..

    Should i.stay or should i go..
    I question myself so why must others as well..
    What is real, what is not..
    What happened and what did not.
    Am i fooling myself? Am i fooling others?
    Am i messed up or am i just fine?
    This question apears on a daily basis.. i ask my best friend.. she gets pissed off.. tired of me saying the same things, tired of my repeated questions.. i cant figure it out.. try and igore it. Assume im just fine, then something hits me and all a sudden im shaking so terribly, feeling lost and confused.. and like i will loose my balance.. so what is going on..? I dont kno.. i see doctor's therapist and its still the same big question mark it has been for years.. going thru multiple diagnoses, multiple doctors.. so what is wrong? Nothing.. and everything.. i just don't kno..
     
  6. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Im not worth fuck. You all know this by now. Why do i care.. why i cant i just do it?
     
  7. Ldub20

    Ldub20 Well-Known Member

    Are there any other people with your disease that you speak to in person? Feeling like an outcast can contribute to your feelings. If anyone tells you that you should be content with feeling like an outcast, tell em that that advice only makes you feel worse.
     
  8. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Only those who have met me, even slightly understand.. im tired of being so fucked up.. im useless and too fucking sensitive to.everything!! No one really gets it here.. no one here cares.. im so tired of feeling lost.. so tired of being confused.. so tired.of wondering, why? How? Who am I? Whats going on? And what do.i.want ro do in my life?? I want to end it.. ive been fucking sick.wifh a fever 2 nights in a row, barely any sleep.. all the meds i can take i have.. but im still in pain.. why do things feel so much worse in me then everyone else?? Why can i just be "normal" and be able to just take something and sleep? I fucking hate myself so much.. im so tired of my own shit.. all i can fucking do is complain.. but its not like anyone has a fucking clue unless they really know me.. i fucking repeate myself so often, driving people.nuts.. im constantly questioning myself.. i ask why.. why is it me and my siblings are so fucking sensitive to every little thing?? Why can't i just grow up?? Why can't i tollerate anything?? I fucking hatte it!! I am getting refered to.occupational therapy.. ugh.. im not even sure it will help.. as far as i.kno even that wont "fix" it.. just help me build a tollerance.. i kno i.been a member here so long.. gone so far.. why can't i just leave.. why does what ppl say bother me? I already get looked at every day just when going out places.. its like everyone is watching and judging me constantly.. and i can't handle ppl. I really cant.. im so tired of everything.. feeling so paranoid ppl r watching my every move trying to.find my."faults" and tear me up.. they watch over me like a hawk.. here too.. it always feels that way.. when im cooking or the computer come up behind me and watch.. and used to make comments about being on.this site so.it makes me so.paranoid.. im going nutz.. i feel so.fucking shit.. i want it to.end..
     
  9. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we love you here!!
     
  10. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    :( thx jx...
     
  11. hellcat

    hellcat Member

    you're great Youkai!!! Keep your head up!
     
  12. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I am not great, i am terrible. I only hurt others because i can't keep my own shit to myself. And get lost in meaningless words jumbling up to be later used against me. Im trying to make sense of everything and every part of my being is at a conflict.. who am i? What is wrong with me or not? What do i want to do in my life? And the only thing i can do here is confuse others and cause problems.. further making myself question myself. I worry too much what others think. I cannot tolerate being judged and stared at like im always having to prove myself. Even irl its like i have to constantly prove myself just going to the grocery store, or having someone see me walking the neighborhood.. i know its not them, its me.. but i am having difficulty controling it. :( i want to feel in control, but i don't feel i am. Just a conflicting mess.
     
  13. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Why does reality hurt so much? When when I come back to it I want to cry? I just want to stay in my fantasies, I just want to stay in Digimon World, or in a book concept I'm helping work on. When I'm outside of this reality things don't hurt so much, I don't worry. I am owner of a guild and everyone likes me. I can decide how I want my character to play out. I can be a creator. But in reality all I can do is remember the pains I'm in. Everything will hurt. I want to cry every time. I don't want to go anywhere, just stay here silent on Digimon Masters Online or in another game. I don't even want to think about going to the doctors tomorrow. It pains me. I don't want to deal with people. I don't want to deal with reality. I don't want to be here.