Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Vampiress892, Aug 1, 2010.

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  1. Vampiress892

    Vampiress892 Active Member

    My mom suggested therapy... then taunted me by saying "Because this isn't something you want to do you are going to cut yourself aren't you... I hid the razors have fun finding them"
    Oh I didn't find the ones she hid... I found the emergency ones I hid... I cut my shoulder.. my mom checks my arms but not any part that a tanktop can cover...
    Thing is, I do want to go to therapy, and get this all sorted out.
    But my mom isn't going to actually put me in it which is why I cut myself.
    God, I'm weak.After a week and a half of almost not cutting I had cut myself.
    I want to kill myself as a punishment for being a failure... but I can't bring myself to go grab pills, or a knife, or somehing... that makes me feel like even more of a failure for not being able to go through with it...
  2. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    Oh wow, your mom sounds an awful lot like mine. She put me in therapy under the guise that she really wanted to help me, then held it over my head as something she could exploit and belittled me for going then threatened me for not telling her what I talked about. I ended up lying to her all the time, but it was alright, because I still got to go to therapy.

    I used to cut myself as well, though my parents didn't find out until the very end and boy did they have a fun time coming to terms with it (they didn't, they just wrote it off and tried to forget). You're not weak because you cut yourself, you're not any less of a person because you cut again. Your mother is a horrible person, lemme say that outright, she is an awful, demeaning, b*tch and I'm sorry you have to deal with her. I don't know how much longer you have to stay under her rule, but if it's more than a week, this is what I'd suggest;

    You're intelligent enough to keep a back-up set of razors and probably know quite a few other ways of obtaining them if your mother happened to find them. I'm not applauding the fact that you felt the need to do this, but it does say something about your character. Your goal right now is to escape the pain-- hence the suicidal ideation and the cutting-- so you find a way to escape. But this is not the only course of action you can take, just because your mother taunts you with therapy but holds it just a few feet out of reach does not mean that you are at an impasse.

    Your mother seems to be playing games with you, I don't know what led her to being so cold-hearted to her child, but you don't have to be at her mercy even though you're still in her home. If you change your goal from escape to understanding, if you believe that you can get through this pain (which you can), then you will find a way to do it. Your mother is human, just like you and me. Even though she seems to have control over much of your life, you have already found ways to subvert her rules over your life (ex. the razors) so you know that she is not all powerful. Now I'm asking if there is a way you can convince your mother to allow you to go to therapy. Is there a way for you to gain access to the help you need, if not through your mother, then through your school?

    If I'm completely off on anything please tell me, I don't claim to know your life and all of its intricacies. You deserve better than this, and you can have it.

  3. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Please just go to therapy and get well. You are having a tug of war with your Mother ,but thats not helping you. Im praying for you and hope you do too. PLEASE DONT HURT YOURSELF. Get help and have a happy life. Stay with us we will help too.


  4. Vampiress892

    Vampiress892 Active Member

    Thinkingcap, I can't leave the house legally on my own for another 4 years. I'm only 14, so until then I am forced to live at home...

    Marty, I can't promise anything. But I won't live this site until my very last breath. Because, everytime I attempted suicide, I only wanted someone to talk me out of it. I can get that here...
  5. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Then stay here ALWAYS. We want you to live and be happy!!!!
  6. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    This last year I have been cursing the people who set the laws for minors-- I'm 17 and felt like I was living in a hell that no one could help me out of for the last two years. Before that I just thought that there was nothing wrong becasue I was too brainwashed to see any differently. I'm used to working around the laws and people, and it hurts that you are so young, it really does. I want to tell you what worked for me (or helped at the very least) and if you can't do it now, or don't feel comfortable doing it, I completely understand. It's difficult, immoral to a degree, but it helped me survive, and that's all that really matters.

    As a minor you are bounded by rules that just cannot be moved. Unless you want to be a runaway, you're stuck where you are. Unless you are being physically or sexually abused, you cannot be taken away from your home by the government. Pretty much, the government can't help you at all unless you're a severe case with obvious dangers. If you are in that category then I urge you to call 911 and report it. I will continue assuming that you are not. This leaves more or less at the mercy of your parents. Here's where it gets a bit distasteful for some.

    Honesty is something I hold near and dear to my heart, it is a quality I cherish highly. Despite this, it is the number one obstacle I needed to take down in order to survive. After awhile I did not accept being manipulated by my mother and instead began manipulating her to get what I needed, one of those things being therapy. This is a dangerous path because although it is understandable to manipulate an abusive mother, it is not okay to manipulate a harmless friend. Though once you begin, it's difficult to stop. You need to understand that your mother is not omnipresent, she is not a mini-god who can tell when you're lying and where you are at any given time. She makes mistakes, and she has faults. Exploit those faults, and you gain a better ability to manipulate her.

    For instance, my mother always said that my education was the most important to me and to her. We as a family had this habit of expecting everyone to be in the same room doing almost the same thing every night. A bit stifling if you can imagine, especially when she started staying home all of the time. In order to gain some breathing room, I began to lie about needed to do homework, and that it would take a few hours, and would go into my room to 'work'. Really, I was getting away and I knew it would work because she would never do anything to get between me and my schoolwork because she thought school was so incredibly important. I used her strong emotions towards something to my advantage.

    Try to think of what absolutes your mother has (ex. "My daughter must do absolutely awesome in school", or "My family must have the absolute best image possible") or what her faults are. Then try to figure out how to work them to your advantage. Reading helps a great deal in this arena, so does watching movies and listening to other people. All novels are is the interplay between characters and how their faults and strengths relate to each other. Right now you are trying to find out how your mother's faults relate to your freedom, and books have a lot of examples for you to pull from to help you with that.

    I just realized how complex my thought structure is when dealing with other people, I apologize now, I did not realize I was this paranoid or well prepared. Anyway, I think you see the point, if this doesn't make sense, please say so.

    Do you have any other people you can rely on? Friends? Other relatives? Your father? Siblings? Other perspectives or positive people to be around can help immensely when dealing with such issues as cutting or suicide. You also need contact with other people to keep from adopting your mother's point of view if she happens to be the kind of mother that likes to isolate her children.

    There is also this process of emancipation that may end up being useful to you. You may not be able to do it now, nor may you ever want to do it if you have hopes of college in your future. It is a process that you have to be at least 16 to initiate where you basically run away, live on your own for at least three months, then ask the courts for you to be emancipated from your parent's rule. You appear in court, and your parents are notified of the court date to possibly contest your proposal, and you then have to convince the court that you are better off on your own and can support yourself. This requires a lot of maturity, but abuse will generally cause children to mature faster anyway. Even though you can't initiate it now, it might come in handy later. I didn't learn about it until this last year and was so angry that I hadn't.

    External support is the most important, whether it's in the form of a school counselor, this site, or your friends. Have you looked into what your school offers in terms of counseling? If you can't find anything on your own, then when school starts, I would urge you to ask your front office people about it. Even though it might be embarrassing, they may have some answers for you. You're going to be a freshman in high school, right? I'm pretty sure that's right, well, if you are, then there are certainly more opportunities to get help there and to get out of the house in general. Whether through clubs, academia, or sports, if you are allowed to join and it gets you out of the house, I would urge you to do them. Not to mention it will make your college application look fantastic.

    This was a really big, rambling post, huh? Sorry about that. I really hope it helps, and if something doesn't make sense, please say something!

  7. Vampiress892

    Vampiress892 Active Member

    That made sense actually to a degree.
    And yes I will be a freshmen. But the counseller there is the old gym teacher person, and it would be too awkward. Plus anything I tell him, won't be kept private if it has a possibility of ending my life...
    I play basketball with my old school and will be trying out for the team come fall, and yea... I wasn't abused in any way shape or form thatI can think of
  8. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    Maybe just try it out, and even though you're thinking of suicide and are cutting yourself, focus on the possible issues in your life that are leading to those thoughts and talk about them. They would have no reason to break your confidentiality if you're talking about your relationship with your mother. Good luck, though, and do your best to stay safe.

  9. Vampiress892

    Vampiress892 Active Member

    Okay.. thank you.
    Take care.
  10. Vampiress892

    Vampiress892 Active Member

    FUCK THIS NEVER MIND! I'm going to kill myself right now... I'm tired of the fights... I got into one with Cloudcatching because I didn't want him to kill himself... well I don't want to feel this low ever again!
    I'm sorry to the people who tried to help. But I can't take another goddamn second in this world... cutting didn't help... it only made me feel worse this time. The only way to end it this time is death.
  11. varek

    varek Well-Known Member

    don't go vamp :(

  12. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Don't do this to yourself vampire. You're only 14 and you still have so many things to experience in life. You're too young to die. :sad:
  13. Vampiress892

    Vampiress892 Active Member

    I failed... I had it all ready... but I couldn't complete it... all I needed to do was one last thing and I would have died... but I just couldn't do it...
    I am such a failure... I can't even finish a suicide attempt...
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi hun, it was really nice talking to you earlier =) I hope the links will help in some way, always here if you need a friendly ear :)
  15. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    I'm glad that you're still here Julie. :hug:
  16. Vampiress892

    Vampiress892 Active Member

    Ha ha at least one of us are.
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