Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by FBD, Nov 11, 2010.

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  1. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    i wanna hurt myself, so bad i wanna cut

    cutting isnt my norm, but i figure its better than nothing

    im sick of this shit, im sick of being ignored, im sick of feeling alone when theres "friends" around me, im sick of having to do all the bitch work because i get walked all over. im sick of it all

    i want to OD, not to end it this time, but just to do the damage, i love the feeling of the sick that comes with it, knowing that the hurt means im doing damage to myself, cutting isnt what i like to do, i like hurting the inside of my body, not the outside, but if i cant hurt the inside ill hurt the outside and seek emotional pain somehow. i guess ive been making myself feel emotional pain a lot, i agreed to be a friends with benefits with someone else. hes a friend of mine, he ahs a girlfriend and i know her shes great. apparently they had a talk and decided if its for sex only theyre ok with it (its a long distance thing) we havent done much of anything but i wanna feel used more, but i hate it. i hate the feelign it hurts, which is what i need

    wow sorry this is getting f***ed

    either way i promised id post here before i actually sdo anything, i wont go buy pills so i wont od but i got my scalpel and i have fresh blades and i cna cut, i also will carve things into my skin to remind me of how i should feel and how im worthless and how i should just die.

    i think this is good for now i guess...i duno
  2. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i dont think your worthless i think your struggling with things and the sex thing makes you feel wanted right?
    ive been doing the same od ing most nights on painkillers coz its easier to go slow than fast but i also cut outside
    i think some of us just want to be noticed right?
  3. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    well the sex thing makes me feel used, like its all im good for

    i mean ive been told by my ex (who is a good guy, but a bad boyfriend) that "people would pay money to see your boobs"

    so i guess i have some good physical qualities, but for whatever reason, people dont stick around, giving me the illusion that all im good for is sex.

    i mean ive been raped before, ive def been used for jut sex before and it hurts, emotionally. but all it does it confirm that im here to be used.

    im alone. people might not think i am who know me, but i am

    people dont talk to me or hang out with me for me, its always a reason, o can i get her in bed, o cna she do my homework, o can she clean, can she cook for me, can she give me a back rub

    its always for something thou, its never just to hang out

    sorry i duno originally i was trying to reply to the points you raised but i have no idea if i did

    the scalpel is looking better by the minute...along with some alcohol....maybe ill...i duno
  4. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member

    Hi tref,

    Please don't hurt yourself. I had a great time hanging out with you on chat and those times again would be great.

    I'd be happy to hang out on chat or MSN anytime if you'll have my company.
  5. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    i drank...nothing else

    everythings ok
  6. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    i was good for a few days, and now i am just wondering wtf happened and why i now wanna do something again

    i think its mostly cz of classes, since essentially the same thing happened after the same class last week. i hate it. i hate people. i hate myself. i dont know why exactly, but this group of people, this campus, this fucked up shit i got myself into just from trying to get a fuckin degree. go figure i try to do something i want and i end up hating it here. i cant wait to get out.

    i just wanna do something, iv ebeen toying with the idea since this mornign and my doodles in class just well, turn more morbid than anything else. granted they arent as bad as they used to be when i was n high school, but the doodles tell me what i really want to do. i just doodle and the image forms and i know i wanna do something. i dont wanna end it so dont worry about that if you read this, but something....
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