Unable to get a grasp on life.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Endlessagony, Nov 26, 2012.

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  1. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Seeker

    Here I am again... Relentless dark thoughts that plague my mind, a lingering sense of despair and hopelessness that won't go away. Mental and physical pain that cripples my very being. It seems everything I do ends up a catastrophic failure blowing up in my face. I am so tired of this. Struggling day after day with no progress.

    On the surface everything would seem fine. I have a girlfriend, a place to live, admittance in a school, even have a few people I would call friends. Beneath the surface though everything is distorted and chaotic.
    I suffer from bouts of katatonia and crippling panic that vary from mild to borderline extreme. All my schoolwork is piling up because I have no energy to do anything. My social circles are getting smaller every day. My physical health is seemingly falling apart bit by bit.

    Even though I've managed to live an almost normal life the truth is I've never accomplished anything that didn't require an enormous amount of effort. I'm talking about small things that are programmed into the spine of most people, things like simple household tasks or social etiquette. Somehow I just always told myself it will become easier at some point but it never has. Just when I think things are going great something destroys all the hard work I've done and I'm back to square one.

    I currently have 3 different contacts that try to help me but I can see how my lack of any real progress just frustrates them, probably won't be long before they turn their backs like everyone else before them. Going to ask my psychiatrist to put me on some new medication when I see him, after that though I have exhausted all my resources. Just can't see any more light in the tunnel, save for perhaps a freight-train...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Well we will not give up on you ok. Mental illness is hard one to fight but you are fighting it and yes sometimes we step backwards but everyone has those days ok not just ones with mental illness. You keep reaching out here ok you will make new friends I do hope you talk to your doctor soon see if you can get some add ons to your meds or try new ones
    Let us know how it goes ok hugs
  3. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Seeker

    I seem to go 3 steps backward for every step forward. I have tons of things I need to get done but can't do anything. I'm not actively plotting to kill myself but inside I've given up hope of ever finding peace. I find myself dreaming of death daily now, wondering what it would be like. I don't want to hurt anyone so I would never kill myself. I just fear that soon I will not have anyone around me. It would be better if I was just hated, then I could drink myself to death and nobody would care.

    I seriously can't see why anyone would bother with me anymore, I am beyond hopeless. Many have tried to help but as soon that it's apparent they can't (easily) they turn their back. What purpose do I serve in society? Just a burden for everyone around me.
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I can completely relate to your problems with stuff piling up. I have that problem at work. I do not know why to be honest... I used to be such a good worker... oh well.. anyway... umm. I can also relate to things that are supposed to be programmed into us not getting into me. I do not have a social circle, a mate or anything really. I have no idea how to go about obtaining those either. So I have just given up and am waiting for the kitty to die.
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