Unable to live, unable to end it. A fate worse than death.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by emptyinside-89, Jan 26, 2014.

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  1. emptyinside-89

    emptyinside-89 New Member

    So I guess this is the part where I whine about all my problems. 24 years old, zero friends. The 2 people I considered my friends turned out to be some of the most negative aspects of my life. Completely unreliable, didn't really care about me, and left at the drop of a hat. Never had a girlfriend, saw a girl I fell in love with for a while, who happened to be my one of those "friends" older sister, never figured out if she was really into me or not, then eventually she moved on. Understandably. So zero social life now. Add to that my herniated discs in my back putting me immense pain 24/7, and every doctor I see is very reluctant to prescribe any effective pain meds to a 24 year old, I am in pain every single day for over a year now.
    So naturally things started to go from bad to worse, and the thought of ending it all is ever present. Yet the only thing holding me back has been my little sister. She is 10 years old with downs syndrome, yet she feels more like a daughter to me than a sister. Without her I would have been dead long ago, and the thought of her sorrow is really the only thing keeping me from taking my life now. I cant put her through that just for my own personal relief. So now I live every day wishing I could die, and being unable to bring that to pass. What horrors did I commit in my past life to make me deserve this fate?
    And to be honest, I have no religion at all, this whole world seems to be ajoke. No God would allow the shit to go on that we do to each other on a daily basis. And if this is all a test to see if we meet some standard that he made, he is as sadistic as a child with a magnifying glass burning ants.
    I cut myself regularly just to let out some of the negative emotions, but all I want is to end everything. People say suicide is a permenant solution to a temporary problem, but how long must one endure a problem before it no longer qualifies as temporary? I have been anxiety ridden, emotionally reclusive, and depressed for well over 10 years, and those problems make it even less likely for me to find friends/relationships moving forward. Who wants to be friends with the depressed quiet guy who cuts himself and never smiles? life is a joke, and im not laughing anymore
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Have you spoke to a Dr about your depression and cutting? If you have been dealing with these issues for this long it is certainly time to talk to a professional about it to see what they may be able to do to help so you can not only be there for your sister but feel better about other things as well.
  3. mark b

    mark b Well-Known Member

    get some treatment for your back that avoids pain killers. do some research to find alternatives.

    your love shows very clearly through, for your sister, so yoj must get better so as to cherish this relationship. she needs you now and for always, more than you know.

    can you socialize with her and other downs people? then you will find new friends with common ground to start with..plus they will be caring people unlike some you may meet.
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