Unable to maintain/develop relationships

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Mama_Pills, Nov 2, 2014.

  1. Mama_Pills

    Mama_Pills Well-Known Member

    I'm just wondering if anyone else has this problem, and I'm wondering how to deal with it.

    I have a very hard time making friends and maintaining relationships.

    Most of the friends I have made in my life, through middle school and high school and even college, have had little to no patience with me or my mental illness. I've had several friends turn on me, from 100% support to telling me to get over my emo bullshit. I've had friends ask me why I haven't killed myself already. I've had friends tell me I'll never amount to anything and that I need to recognize that. When I was 19 I had my first kiss, and my first boyfriend, for 11 months. Our relationship was perfect, and I was very much in love with him. He broke up with me to "focus on his career", which is respectable, but it really fucked me up because for the first time in my life I felt like someone actually cared about me, and maybe this was my turning point, and then it was just over. I felt disposable and betrayed, worthless, useless, and I fell into a very dark place. I was fucking anyone who would just to feel loved, I was drinking every day, I started smoking cigarettes, I was in an abusive relationship for a while ... I eventually recognized I was better than all of that and pulled myself out of it, for the most part.

    I've gotten better at platonic friendships, though I still feel needy or clingy, burdensome, and can't ever bring myself to discuss my feelings with people I consider close friends, no matter how many times they reassure me that my problems will not bother them. I just don't talk to anyone, or let anything out.

    More recently though I've been having so much anxiety about a guy I'm seeing. I haven't felt this attached to someone since my first boyfriend, but I haven't had a stable, healthy, real relationship since then either. It scares the shit out of me to think that it could turn into something, but I don't know where we stand. He's not a big texter, which drives me up a wall because we see each other at least once a month, but when I don't hear from someone for more than a day or two I immediately resort to "Oh, they want nothing to do with me anymore". I don't want to ask him where we stand, and I have a hard time bringing myself to text him even just to say hi, because I'm afraid I'll come off annoying or clingy or desperate. He's told me before that he really likes me, and he says he's happy we see each other as much as we do because we do live far away. I know I shouldn't try to rush anything and I know I'm probably just being paranoid and insecure, but I wish he would show me more that he cares. I love spending time with him, and he has told me before he enjoys spending time with me too, but I just can't stand feeling like I need constant reassurance that I'm not a psycho, I'm not a burden, he actually wants to spend time with me and isn't just wasting his time for the sake of someone to fuck. I mean, he could have anyone he wants who lives way closer to him than I do, but I can't get out of my head that I'm going to end up broken and alone again. I'm scared to death of being alone.

    I would rather die than be hurt or alone. And I'm afraid that, if I'm happy and it ends, that I won't recover this time.
     
  2. I have been there...my partners always leave me in the end. Maybe we pick people we know will leave us. No guarantees in life...try to build a support network for yourself and don't be too proud to ask for help when you need it.
    I say, text/call/contact him when you want to. If he doesn't meet your needs, tell him. You have that right. To have your needs met without walking on eggshells. You deserve love and contentment, don't accept anything less.
     
  3. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    You only see each other a single digit per month? You have to let him know that you need more attention. You barely even spend time together, so when you're not, it's important to stay close and communicate on a regular basis. Maybe even every day. Why not?

    It doesn't make you clingy nor crazy. Youre in a relationship and theres an attachment which should be mutual. Dont be afraid to tell him that. If you dont even know where you stand, thats a sign that you two arent even on the same wavelength as far as communicating goes.

    Talk to him. Maybe he'll understand. If not then wheres this thing going anyway? Someone who doesnt even understand you as your dream partner?
     
  4. Dan99

    Dan99 Active Member

    Hello,

    When you said "I've had several friends turn on me, from 100% support to telling me to get over my emo bullshit." that struck a cord with me cuz that's what we have in common.......

    i feel that so many of my friends have betrayed me,....... plus i have to deal with my dad who has that "get over your emo bullshit" attitude.

    My Dad is this alpha-male, extroverted, over-bearing type of guy........ it's really hard living with him because he sees my suicidal tendencies as being weakness.....which of course makes me feel even worse! ........WORST person to talk to regarding depression lol.......... he thinks it's that easy......

    I'm sorry if i could not give any advice (i am not sure i should) ....... but know that we are here for you, and thank you for sharing your thoughts.
     
  5. lachrymose27

    lachrymose27 Well-Known Member

    Yes this happens to me too. I am clingy and emotional as you are and require constant reassurance and communication. Which is why i am now single again. It is sad, but if he has a problem with your issues then i would just end the relationship right there. But at the same time we really should try to work on our emo tendencies.
     
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Current guy: rarely texts and only see each other once a month.

    Think it's time to up the ante. Or he is just stringing you along while focusing on someone else.