Unable to share joy, baseless jealousy, and not seeing people as people

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Krem, Feb 12, 2010.

  1. Krem

    Krem Well-Known Member

    I was talking with a friend of mine, and a friend of hers. They had a webcam, and we both had microphones. They were having fun, frolicking and general merry-making. And yet, all I felt was.. contempt. Envy. Why was I not sharing in their joy? Why did I not feel even a slight pull of joy hearing them laughing and speaking joyfully in their almost-arcane language? Why did I believe they were mocking me?
    I have two friends at school. We three like each other, I like to bealive. However, recently.. It's like they're closer. And I'm a third wheel. If I arrive to them talking, they'll stop. If one of them comes to them, we'd often just start reading, yet I always catch them talking. I often also experience them ignoring me, although I don't fully believe they are. It's a sort of nightmarish fantasy that I were to catch them.. 'evolving their friendship', even though I can't really say it has anything to do with me. I have claim to neither of them, in any way, and they should be able to do what they wish in these matter, no matter what my say in it is, yes? If anything, I should be happy for them, yes? Why, then, do I feel like I would 'win' in something? Like.. finally having proof for something, then storming off.
    I often don't percieve people as people. Real people, that is. When reading a book, or playing a video game, I grasp their personalities, I can feel that they're persons, I can like them, and so on. With real people, I just see them as meat. Meat with some personality, but hardly any. I don't see them have emotions until they burst in anger/annoyance. And often I'm surprised, not realising what I did, if anything, to vex them so.
    For an example, I read a book called 'Warlock' a few days ago. When the false-queen had gone mad with grief, shock, and the swift loss of power, I felt fear at what she might do to the captives. When she killed one, with brutality I will not repost, I felt the emotions of it happening in reality. However, when I hear of a friend's mishaps, of stranger's torment, I don't feel anything. If anything, I will see how it will affect me, but nothing else. "Your friend got raped and needs you? I'm sorry to hear that.", and all I will think is that they'll spend less time with me.

    Would love some advice/comment/whatever that's supportive. And since nobody has replied to one of my threads, and few have even read it, even though it has been there for almost a month and a half now. http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=74867
  2. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    I think it's pretty natural. Just about any negative feeling turns into anger if you leave it there long enough. If you want my advice, just hang out with some other people for a while. If you're feeling left out, hanging around those two particular friends just might make you feel worse.

    I'm not much of a poetry person so I can't say any substantial about your poems but I liked them and the way you write.