unattractive sucks

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shorttimer., Aug 16, 2007.

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  1. shorttimer.

    shorttimer. Member

    I don't think I'm ugly. But I'm not attractive either. Basically - I'm 26 and I had only had one girlfriend. The relationship lasted about six months. And that was 7 years ago.

    I just can't get a girlfriend. The problem is, I'm not attracted to unattractive girls. I do like pretty girls. I don't mean perfect girls. Just nice, girl-next-door pretty. And I tried and tried ... but I have no chance with them.

    Yes, I'm aware of all the tired cliches. like "beauty is skin-deep" and all that, but beautiful is still beautiful and I can't force myself to like ugly girls.

    My parents keep saying I don't have a girlfriend because I don't try hard enough, but that is not true. Besides, you don't want to make a complete moron out of yourself (which, of course, happened in the past). My parents also say my ugliness is in my head. I did believe that for a while. Until I realized it wasn’t true.

    This entry is too long and I know most of you will never get through it, but I'm still writing it.

    Anyway, I've been reading this forum a little bit and it's full of these positive replies. Suggestions. Which is nice. But they are all trite. All these suggestions are boring cliches we have heard a million times before. And most importantly - THEY JUST DON'T WORK. You know - stuff like: there always is something worth living for, you are not ugly, blah-blah. Try using it in real life - not working. And i have tried it.

    The point is (at least in my case), I will probably never find a girlfriend. At least not one I would like. I speak from experience - 9 years of it. Nothing has changed during that time. If anything, things have gotten worse: my not great looks have deteriorated even more, and will continue to do so with the years to come. My personality has deteriorated too - I used to be pretty happy child. Now I'm becoming hateful - towards myself and others.

    I am aware that there are many people in much worse situation than me, but how does the knowledge help me? If I continue living, I will end up an old, lonely man. Which is a long and painful death. I know it a bit - my neighbour was one of those. Pathetic, sad, sad creature. Turned invisible towards the end. And that awaits me.

    I am not looking for compassion, because you don't know me, and you can't really care. And compassion doesn't help me. I need love. A girlfriend. And that seems to be as attainable as winning the lottery. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. Actually, I don't care. Go ahead, pity me, or don't. Who cares.

    I don't want to die, but I sure as shit don't want to grow old lonely. The problem with suicide is that it can go terribly wrong. And I'm (still) afraid to try it. I am amazed and impressed by people that have done it. I admire their courage. They are NOT cowards.

    I'm not here to beg for your attention. I'm not shouting "suicide!" either. If I could do it, I'd gladly grab a knife and slice my veins open. Oh man would I do that. But unfortunately, I can't do it. At least, not at this point.
    I just wanted to share this here, because I can't do it in real life. Psychologists, psychiatrists - dude - get real. My problems are not psychological – they are physical. It's a handicap that damages me enough not to have what I want. Plastic surgery? Too expensive, and I would basically need a whole new face. Plus, I started losing hair too and there’s no surgery for that.
    Anyway, I'd like to read your responses. If not that's ok too. I know there'S nothing to say. Just please don't give me any of those bumper sticker feel good notes. I detest them.

  2. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

  3. Jacob91

    Jacob91 Member

    Just think about it for a second. Do you really need another person?

    It's overrated, but I can see where you're coming from.

    The more you make yourself available the easier it'll be.

    Hang in there, we all have to deal with this.
  4. shorttimer.

    shorttimer. Member

    Jacob 91: "Just think about it for a second. Do you really need another person?"

    Unfortunately, I do. Despite the fact that I do enjoy alone-time a lot, I still do need people. Don't you, Jacob? If you don't, you're one of the rare lucky ones. Actually it's almost impossible for me to believe it.

  5. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Well, I'm 34 and haven't had a GF since I was 20. 14 years. I gave up. What's the point? If it ain't gonna happen, it ain't gonna happen. It's like living without a Mercedes. I won't have one of those either but I'll live.

    But you know what? I'm not really lonely. I'm not old yet, either but there are plenty of ways to keep yourself company. The Internet is great for that. Millions of people online, 24/7. There's got to be somebody to talk to online somewhere no matter what. You don't need to know them or get heavily involved with them. Just friendly chat. It's like having a brief chat with the next door neighbor once a day. It ain't the same as having a family but it's better than nothing.

    I watch movies. I read. I listen to music. When I do talk to other people you know what I find? A lot of them are ugly, clueless people that I wouldn't want to be around even if they'd have me. And I don't mean physically ugly. I mean ugly in character.

    But you know......having a GF or a wife or whatever is not something that just comes naturally. There are compromises you make if you want to join your life together with someone else. It's not all a bed of roses. Married folks fight. They disagree. They cheat on one another. They're constantly suspicious of one another.

    And then comes children. A lot of people are pleased when they have kids but a lot of people shouldn't have kids. It's really that simple. I wish my parents had used birth control. People just reproduce without giving a moment's thought to the enormous gravity of what they're doing - creating a life. A life that could go horribly wrong in any one of a million ways. And some people who have serious problems chose to reproduce. Why? Why would they risk passing on their problems to another generation? Just so their name lives on? Pretty shallow, I say. Pretty thoughtless.

    I am unattractive. Oh, I suppose I could get a GF (maybe even a pretty one) if I really set my mind to it. But I grovel to nobody. If women aren't interested in me, maybe it's a blessing in disguise. Ask yourself. Would you really be happy with a woman?
  6. shorttimer.

    shorttimer. Member

    I'm surprised that anybody had bothered to even read my post, let alone answer.
    I'd like to thank you all without being cheesy - thus I thank you all free of misty eyes, or wobbly-chin; in passing.

    Random - I see what you mean when you say you watch movies, read and listen to music. I do those things too - with great joy. But every now and then, something is so good that I'd like to share it with somebody. And that lack of human contact is begining to bother me a lot. As ridiculous as it sounds, I need to be touched.

    I do everything alone. I have a few male friends, but I'm sick of seeing them. And I think I scare them a little because they think there's something wrong with me. At first they used to ask why I was always alone, but now that subject is skipped. And I find it hard to be with them because that question is always in the air. So, I began avoiding them. Now I receive maybe three, four social phone calls a week. And most of the time I don't answer.

    The thing is, I don't think there is something wrong with me. I am communicative, am relatively interesting and somewhat funny (if you can say that about yourself). I always found most people very boring, and had often had to force myself to talk to girls, because they just weren't very interesting. But I tried nevertheless, hoping for some breakthrough. Nothing ever happened, of course. THe thing is, I'm suspecting that they were boring because they just weren't interested in me. So they didn't try. Yep.

    Kids - yes, I agree. Completely.

    Realationships - I agree partially. Despite all my bitterness, unfortunatelly I still have some irrational hope in me for that cool girl that is your partner and a friend at the same time. But I know that will never happen. The thing is, this fucking pathetic glimmer of hope (and fear) is what is preventing me from offing myself.

    So I get up in the morning.
  7. you know, I completely agree with you, you have the right to feel that way, I felt that way, I still feel that way, I am 18 years old, smart, pure hearted, good with people, well educated, but I have tonnes of pressures around me, parents, education, brothers and sisters etc... but the unattractiveness is a really serious one, after my parents' bullcrap, there are many things I hate about the way i look, sometimes i watch tv and i see all those beautiful people and i wish that someday when i wake up i can look like them, straight nose, round cheeks, pearl white teeth, blue or green eyes, and other things i wish i didnt have,so my self-esteem would get a boost, I'd talk knowing people are looking at me interested, knowing that people want more of me, but everyday its teh same thing...

    other times i look outside and see all those couples together, having a walk in the street or sitting on a bench in the park, and i kind of get this weird feeling of missing something or being sub-human, worthless, and i feel like killing myself, the thing is, I forced myself to not care about it, i decided to give my life another meaning, to set goals, and i did, unfortunately my parents stand in my way, that's why i'm always faced with a dead end, but atleast i'm struggling to overcome them and females are not a big issue as before,

    you may think that I am neive because i'm still young, well think again, I see all my classmates and all my friends happy and bright and making the best out of their lives while i'm waiting to grow old till i can't get back and make up for the lost times, the only thing i can say is..."may god be on our side" I pray for your misery to end my brother, I pray that someday you can find what you want and appreciate it,

    take care
  8. shorttimer.

    shorttimer. Member

    engravefeelthevoid - yes, looks pressure is all around us. It seems everybody I know is good-looking. And I hate the people that say stuff like - "inner beauty matters" or other similar crap, because it's not true. If it were true, I wouldn't be sitting here writing this post.

    I did the same thing as you - tried to focus on other "higher" things, goals, blah-blah. I also tried not to care and so - on the street I now walk with my head down because I don't want to see all these beautiful women. I tried living like my friends, I went out: cafes, discos, bars. Girls would often approach my friends, they'd start a conversation. The thing is, I knew they don't want me, my friends knew it too. What I was hoping for is at least some fake politeness towards me, so I could leave them alone with at least a little pride left in me. But no - they basically push me aside. They have to make their rejection so damned clear. God forbid I tried to join their conversation - they would look at me as if I was a complete freak. So I stopped going out. At first I used to come up with excuses, but now - as I mentioned in the earlier post, I basically lost all those friends.
    I hate to write stuff like this because it is sentimental crap - I pity myself and such feelings never brought me anything good. But I still need to say this.

    What bothers me a lot is when my parents or other people ask me why I don't have a girlfriend. Once, after a long such discussion with my parents, I finally told them the reason was because I wasn't good-looking. They dismissed this immediately, saying it was ridiculous and that I was using it as an excuse. Jesus!! They'd rather invent some mental disorder to explain my loneliness then except the truth.

  9. syntaxerror

    syntaxerror Antiquities Friend

    yeah - i feel like that - I have 5 kids and my ex is out of here - dragged me through almost a decade of hell (physical, emotional abuse among other things) and then took off.

    32 - 5 youjng kids - working fast food - broke- I'm jealous of happy couples and miss just hugging and stuff - stuff that was missing for much of my marriage as well - just physical affection type stuff. I probably could go get just sex if I wanted that - but like a guy is going to ever want an actual relationship with someone in my situation.

    Might have a hope in hell when the kids are out of the house - maybe - but then I"ll be at least 45, maybe older - so the only guys insterested at that point would probably be already retired - since middle aged guys only want younger women anyway. Even guys in their 30's want younger, hotter women - not people who have been through pregnancies and stuff - I'm not overweight but the body affects are still there some of them. Plastic surgery would fix a lot there -b ut too expensive. Plus my ex broke my nose and now it's crooked - it was bad enough before just being too long, now it's too long AND crooked. again - too expensive for me to fix.

    course everyone here probably would just be judgemental about the kids in the first place - I don't recommend this many kids to anyone (last three were concieved on birth control...and 1 set of twins). but they are here now (the kids) so kind of have to make the best of that.

    It's normal to miss the physical contact and want someone else around - that's why nights are really hard for me - being alone in the house after the kids are asleep and just not having anyone to just "be" with.
  10. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Well, I didn't really mean what I said as a judgement against individuals who choose to have kids. My criticism was meant to be aimed more at society as a whole for making people feel like they need to have kids to make their lived complete.

    Here's an idea of what I'm talking about. You said that your nose was too long. Too long according to whose standards? You see what I mean? We are led to believe "This is normal" and "This is not". Which is no problem as long as you fit society's lofty ideals of perfection. If you deviate, even slightly, you are made to feel bad about it.

    I know. When I was in school, I had what is called around here a "unibrow". Which, if you don't know what that is, it's when someone's eyebrows touch in the center. Now this might not sound so bad because you can trim it so it isn't noticable. But guess what? The other kids in my school noticed it before I ever did. I never paid attention to it until people started making fun of me. By then, it was too late. No matter what I did, I was made fun of for the unibrow. It got so old but they would never stop.

    I suspect a lot of us feel terrible because of that kind of teasing from our school days. My sister had a curved nose which lead to people teasing her about having "a beak". She ended up having plastic surgery. There was nothing really wrong with her nose. It was just people being assholes who made her more self conscious about it. Probably as a result of their own insecurities. Now, 15 years later, she gets frequent nosebleeds because something wasn't done quite right in the surgery.

    You know...it's funny though. I was seen as very unattractive when I was a teen. And I was. But guess What? Over the years, because of my insecurities and so forth, I stayed indoors a lot. I didn't bake myself in the sun on beaches and so forth. I never cared about having a tan because there was nobody to look good for. And now, all the people I knew back in those days have leather for skin and I look about 10 years younger than I actually am. So, I'm no more attractive than I was then but I'm somewhat better looking than other people my age.

    Anyway. Just wanted to point out that the thing with kids is that most people don't realize they could be happy without them. And it isn't their fault. The images are everywhere. You're "supposed" to want a family.
  11. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    I've never had a real boy friend, you need to realise that having a gf wouldnt solve life problems.
  12. Darken

    Darken Well-Known Member

    Hi. I know how you feel. Im 19 never had girlfriend never even kissed. Ive just given up on finding love. Im not good enough. No one should be with a loser with me. I just accepted that I will be alone for life, I feel better now, still feel like shit though.

    Being a success with women and finding a partner is some thing you don't have much control over imo. It depends on a lot of things. You can pay a lot of money for some dvd or book or lessons on how to pick up women, that may help, dunno though. Its like a skill and a state of mind, I'm sure there is some one out their that looks similar to all of us who has had some succes with women.
  13. nrvsreck

    nrvsreck Well-Known Member

    I really hate all this self-pity crap, but anyway... I'm 30 and have never had a girlfriend, a kiss, sex, anything. I'm getting to where I just don't care anymore. Girls just wind up breaking your heart anyway. I am attractive, but I have little personality, no social skills, and I just don't like relationships. They require more energy than I have. Answering the phone, going out, talking. It's all an act anyway.

    Anyway, you're not alone dude. Don't sweat it. Take a hit of something strong and forget it. :guiness:
  14. Barbados

    Barbados Well-Known Member

    See this is an example of how the media fucks people over, everyone is brainwashed into thinking that we need family, love etc... and we can't let go of that. Basically Love is just a thing we want for now and the future and think it will all work out, but most marriages end with divorce so I dont see why anyone would want to get marries. Just hold onto others things that make you happy and try other things you've never thought of doing. Search :cool:
  15. syntaxerror

    syntaxerror Antiquities Friend

    randum thanks for clarfifying - I agree with you actually - now that I get what you where saying. Kids don't fix you - they don't make you happy - sure I love my kids - I have happy moments with my kids - but they exhaust me as well and then there is the responsibility to not fuck them up and that's just a lot of responsibilty and it's not just a magic solution to make your life complete or anything.

    I got made fun of a lot going through school about my looks - a LOT. in fact in some ways I look better NOW - nose, stretch marks excepted - because I wear contacts instead of awful glasses, wax my brows, wear make-upu (wasn't allowed to when I lived with my parents way back) and I haven't gained the weight that people would expect for someone my age with 5 kids - so what I get now is "wow - you don't look like you've had that many kids/you look really good 'for having had so many kids"). Course that's as long as my clothes stay ON - but well - they do.
  16. johnsmythe

    johnsmythe Well-Known Member

    I can relate to a lot of whats been said in this thread. Like others I too have given up the whole relationships thing.

    The way I think of it now is if a girl really wants to talk with me (or hang out with me or be with me whatever) she will. Otherwise, I can assume that if they don't make a move than they probably weren't that interested in the first place. I don't see why the guy has to do all the work anyways.

    Am I unattractive? I don't know... and frankly I don't really care anymore. Am I unlikeable? definitely, but I'm comfortable with who I am so it doesn't bother me if my personality doesn't fit the "norm". I usually just try to channel my depression into anger or hate, because in my experience those two emotions feel way better than depression and loneliness and sadness. Plus anger is a great motivator.

    I can't even tell if what i just posted is even relevant. Oh well who cares.
  17. shorttimer.

    shorttimer. Member

    To tell you the truth, I expected to be pretty much one of the very, very few ones that is so isolated. Is seems that is not the case.
    On the one hand, it comforts me a bit, on the other, it is really scary that all you guys could be as lonely as I am. The thing is, I don't see people like me (can i say us?) on the street. Everybody is always in the middle of some socializing ritual. None of the people I know are even close to where I am. They are "normal".
    People like me always seem to be in hiding, badly lit rooms, darker bits of restaurants, secluded area of parks. Loneliness is a taboo. You don't show it in public, because if you do, people stare at you.

    Syntaxerror - it terrible that your ex broke your nose. Jesus. I understand your conundrum with kids - they give comfort, but are also a great responsibility.

    Blackness - having a gf wouldn't solve all my problems. But I need some positive human feedback about me. I grow more and more quiet when I talk to people because I don't feel like I have anything interesting to say to them. I need somebody to pick me up.

    Darken - self-help manuals are a joke. Maybe a few tips, but the rest is ridiculous. They basically either tell you some vague shit that you already knew or tell you to act like an arrogant asshole. "Approach and ignore". or something like that. Those things do seem to work (my friends do stuff like that), but the wooing strategies oppose my personality.

    Nervsreck - Dude, you're one of the lucky ones. Go out there and enjoy life. At least try - it makes sense with your looks.

    I'm going to bed now.
  18. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    ST - How do you know some of the people you see on the street aren't isolated? Just because you see them out and about doesn't mean they don't feel isolated sometimes.

    I used to hang out with friends and stuff and had lots of fun but I never really felt like one of them. I was always thinking and they were always doing something silly.

    To put it plainly, physical attractiveness isn't everything. It goes a long way. Especially for males. But it isn't the only thing that matters. I've known some ugly dudes who had very pretty girlfriends. It comes down to whether or not you let it be a handicap, I think. I've always allowed it to hold me back. If I wanted to talk to a girl I liked, I started thinking that maybe she would laugh at me or be grossed out or whatever. And I didn't think this would be the end of the world but I just didn't think it was worth it so I didn't take the risk.

    I knew this one guy, I really don't think he knew he was ugly. If he did, you couldn't tell by the way he acted. Huis ego was every bit as big as anyone elses. He asked pretty girls out. Some said yes and some said no. And somehow, by his ignoring his looks, he kind of gained everyone's respect.

    I think it matters more when you're young. I mean, everybody likes attractive people but very few people get more attractive as they age. Older people have different criteria for dating other than just looks. It still matters but we start looking for people who are financially stable, friendly, smart. Those sorts of things.

    What I'm saying is that if you're young, you won't be young forever. Now that can be good and that can be bad but in this way, I think it's probably good. Silly, superficial stuff matters less and less the older you get. People do start seeing the person inside. Not everyone, of course. It is true that even old men lust after young women. That's natural but the young women usually don't lust after old men so it evens out. People pretty much stick with their age group. Or close.
  19. Driretlanii

    Driretlanii Active Member

    C'mon... my experience is far different from yours but... I do get both men and women to like me and wanting to be with me, but I just can't stick with anyone - you know why? Because being with someone just doesn't work out the problems you may have! It helps you feel better, I don't deny that, but it doesn't resolve your problems, and in the end they will come all up and screw everything up! I had my dream girl for the past 7 months, I do have a job, a place to be at and to which I can call home... And still, my depression, my personalities, my eating disorders, my fu**ing-whatever problems came all up and I lost her! And I feel lousy not only for having to deal with having lost the person I loved most till now, the person I'd like to share all my life with, but also because I have to deal with the problems that I did not try to cope and deal with before, but tried to burry them under a relation... don't do that, you'll hurt more in the end.
    One more thing, what do you find unattractive? I'm no super-model, I hate myself and what I look like - still there are people who love me just the way I am! And even the world-famous character Don Juan is said to have been ugly, so it's not what you look like, it's what you do, think and show to others... It's your attitude!
    Hope this could enlighten a bit... Take care all of you!
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