I have ruined my career. Well, I suppose there is a chance that it isn't ruined, but I'm pretty certain that it is. I keep trying to tell myself that the logical thing to do is to let things play out just a little bit longer so that I can be 100% sure that the damage really is irreparable before plunging into something that, by its very nature, should be a last resort. But I am just in SO much pain that I feel like I can't tolerate it long enough to wait for things to play out. I feel like I am walking around with a gaping chest wound and I can't breathe. I have tried to go out and do normal things, but I just burst into tears any time I am around normal people because I am so heartbroken not to be one of them. All I want is to be a normal person with a job and a normal life. I don't understand what I have done wrong. I have worked so hard to build a life for myself but I end up inadvertently destroying everything as fast as I can build it. I have no more hope left and I can't escape the feelings of terror about what is going to happen to me in the future. Even though death is a way out of all of the terror, I am afraid of that too. Afraid it will hurt. Afraid it won't work. (After all, I've got quite the track record for messing things up). Afraid that no one will look after my little dog and that he will be sad without me. And I'm just so heartbroken that there is no hope left. I had reached a point where I was starting to have some hope about the future, and then everything fell apart again. I so desperately wanted there to be hope. It is a new year and everyone is expressing hope for 2016 but all I have is despair and I can't find anyone to relate to. I keep looking for movies and books about people who have wrecked their lives like I have wrecked mine but I can't find anything. I feel like such an aberration and I just can't take it anymore.