Unbearable pain

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Lisa83, Jan 3, 2016.

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  1. Lisa83

    Lisa83 Member

    I have ruined my career. Well, I suppose there is a chance that it isn't ruined, but I'm pretty certain that it is. I keep trying to tell myself that the logical thing to do is to let things play out just a little bit longer so that I can be 100% sure that the damage really is irreparable before plunging into something that, by its very nature, should be a last resort. But I am just in SO much pain that I feel like I can't tolerate it long enough to wait for things to play out. I feel like I am walking around with a gaping chest wound and I can't breathe. I have tried to go out and do normal things, but I just burst into tears any time I am around normal people because I am so heartbroken not to be one of them. All I want is to be a normal person with a job and a normal life. I don't understand what I have done wrong. I have worked so hard to build a life for myself but I end up inadvertently destroying everything as fast as I can build it.

    I have no more hope left and I can't escape the feelings of terror about what is going to happen to me in the future. Even though death is a way out of all of the terror, I am afraid of that too. Afraid it will hurt. Afraid it won't work. (After all, I've got quite the track record for messing things up). Afraid that no one will look after my little dog and that he will be sad without me. And I'm just so heartbroken that there is no hope left. I had reached a point where I was starting to have some hope about the future, and then everything fell apart again. I so desperately wanted there to be hope. It is a new year and everyone is expressing hope for 2016 but all I have is despair and I can't find anyone to relate to. I keep looking for movies and books about people who have wrecked their lives like I have wrecked mine but I can't find anything. I feel like such an aberration and I just can't take it anymore.
    2 people like this.
  2. Leon2

    Leon2 Active Member

    Lisa 83
    You don't say what you've done to ruin your career, but you say you have a chance to put t right, so concentrate on doing that, in a few weeks time you will look back and think, god what was I thinking about then, hang in there your presuming the worst, may not be that bad, hope your ok
  3. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    Hi Lisa;

    I am sorry to hear about all the pain and fear you are dealing with.

    I spent 32 years building a life for myself based on the pursuit of a dream. I worked so hard to make my dream come true - and then I threw it all away because I allowed myself to believe a human lie.

    Do I qualify? PM me if you would like to chat.
  4. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Hi Lisa - welcome to SF. What happened to ruin your career? What career are you in?

    If you are looking for a story about someone who wrecked their life... hi - please to meet you. Five years ago I completely destroyed my life - by anyone's definition 'life' was completely annihilated. I lost a career I loved - my home - my friends - people I loved. I was left with nothing but a mountain of debt and a desperate desire to die. It has taken 5 years, but life is better now than it was then, in the 'before', for the most part. I will never retrieve the career I loved, but I have a new career - I make more money than I realistically could have doing what I did before. I live in a nicer home. I have people in my life that I love again.

    Things are fixable. I know it doesn't feel like it - but its true. You can make it through this and by the very nature of "through" there is another side. I know it is hard and painful and awful, believe me - but please hang on. You can recover this. Life may never be the same again but that doesn't mean that it always will be worse.

    PM me if you want to talk.

  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Lisa, welcome to the forum. At the moment you suffering from symptoms of PTSD that has been caused by the situation you are facing. You are suffering from severe panic attacks and cry the emotions of the hurt you feel. You are normal but very much stressed out. It's a total normal reaction so please remain calm. I know it's easy to say and hard to do.

    Please expand on your situation as no one is going to judge you but show compassionate care for you. If you are thinking about self-harming then use the ice cubes and the elastic band theory. At the moment, you head is all over the shop and you are in a state of shock. These are total normal and the natural reaction to your situation.

    Expand on the situation and lets try to help by giving advice and easy the pain you feel. The trauma can only be understood by the likes of the members here. You have found a safe haven where we are a very compassionate group of people. I know you hurting and no doubt cry as you read this support post. I can sense the pain, so let it out by expanding and you will feel a sense of relief by talking to us. Please be brave and most important be safe.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2016
  6. Lisa83

    Lisa83 Member

    Thanks for your message. I don't want to go into too many details because I am paranoid that someone will uncover my identity. (I realize the likelihood of that is very slim and that it is my anxiety driving those fears, but with my anxiety so high I don't want to increase it). But I guess I can speak in general terms....

    I am a member of a professional association. A few years ago, I got in some trouble with my professional association. Not for anything unethical but for failing to follow certain administrative rules. (At the time I was dealing with a lot of anxiety and stress and the first thing to slide was important paperwork...) As a result, there were certain restrictions put on my membership in my professional association. At the time it wasn't an issue and I worked at a job where the restrictions didn't matter. Then I had a major breakdown at that job (ended up in the hospital for quite some time) and couldn't go back. There may be a new opportunity on the horizon, but it is in another state, so I would have to transfer to an equivalent professional association in the other state. The restrictions make the transfer process difficult, and I am terrified that they will make the transfer impossible and I will lose the opportunity. I am waiting to hear back from the professional association in the other state about the issues, so I have done all I can on a practical level at the moment.

    The restrictions also cause problems even with going to another job in this state. The job market is very bleak to begin with, and I have these added complications. I feel like these administrative mistakes I made a few years ago are haunting me and are going to get in the way of any opportunity that might present itself. I feel like I have destroyed my life and I can't fix it. First by messing up and getting the restrictions imposed in the first place, and then by wrecking the one job where the restrictions didn't matter by having a breakdown. I just don't see any hope moving forward. I feel like the damage is irreparable.
  7. Lisa83

    Lisa83 Member


    I posted a little more about the situation in response to the post below. I don't want to reveal which career I am in because I am paranoid about my identity being revealed. (I do realize that is an irrational fear driven by anxiety, but as much as I tell myself it is irrational, the anxiety still plagues me and I can't stop it.)

    Anyway, I am admittedly in a situation where I don't yet have all the facts about how bad the damage is. Basically I need to wait awhile to see if past mistakes I made are going to quash the only new opportunity on the horizon. I am trying to hang on long enough to just get a final answer on whether the opportunity will be quashed or not but I have a terrible feeling that it is. Having had a day to calm down a little bit, I can acknowledge that it is possible that this terrible feeling is just anxiety and not fact. But it is also possible that it is fact. And that possibility is making my heart pound and adrenaline is just coursing through my veins all the time and it is exhausting. I just want out.

    Thank you for sharing your story about building a new career and a new life. I am trying to have hope that I can do the same. I don't have this hope right now but I am trying to summon it...
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Lisa, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I understand you want your anonymity here and that you will get for sure. Private message me if you ever want to talk one on one. I will help you the best I can and be there for you. Best wishes with your struggles.
    2 people like this.
  9. Lisa83

    Lisa83 Member

    Thanks for sharing this. It does make me feel not quite so alone.
  10. Lisa83

    Lisa83 Member

    Thanks Leon2. I am trying to just move forward, one step at a time. Trying to do what I can now and not fixate so much on past mistakes.
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