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Unbearable, persistent loneliness

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by openingdoors, Jan 31, 2010.

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  1. openingdoors

    openingdoors Member

    How is a person supposed to keep on struggling to live when they have no one else? Not a single person in the world who truly cares for them? I'm honestly at a loss how I'm expected to do this anymore.

    I've been alone, emotionally speaking, for my entire life. While my memories of early childhood aren't entirely clear (honestly most of them are probably repressed because I hardly have that many memories to begin with), I can recall being abused on a number of occassion by both of my parents. I have a strong, unexplicable hatred for my mother, like she did something horrible to me. But I can't remember that. I was an only child, so I had no siblings to confide in and share my experiences with. Only myself.

    Throughout my entire school experience, I was rejected, ridiculed, verbally and physically abused on an almost daily basis. No doubt this is one root of my inability to trust anyone. I'm constantly on the defensive when around people, even my own family. Hell, especially my own family. Every time I'm face to face with a person, those old memories of being made fun of, being called a freak come rushing back like an unstoppable force and before I know it I've rejected this person before they can even open their mouths. Because I "know" they won't even give me a chance and judge me for whatever faults they please. Of which there are many I perceive, whether it be my ugliness (big problem for me), my goofy/dumb personality, my ineptitude, you name it. I can sit and find things wrong with myself all day. And the thing is, most of them are actually true, it's not a matter of subjectivity or negative self-perception.

    I guess...I feel there's no solution to my problem. I don't have a single family member I feel comfortable sharing my feelings with. Or, to be perfectly honest, that I love for that matter. Well, I guess I love my father, but being around him is almost unbearable at times. I can feel all the repressed anger and resentment I have towards him coming quickly to the surface and I have to make an exit when that happens, or god knows what I'd do. The prospect of making friends seems impossible. I can't shake the belief that every person I meet will automatically reject me. And, even more frightening, what if I do manage to forge a relationship? That would mean all of my emotional and social support would be invested solely into this one person, hence I'd be at their complete mercy. If they abandoned me, or manipulated me...I would be destroyed. I can't see any way of coping with that. So, I guess my question is, what can I possibly do? How does you break out of complete social isolation, when you barely know how to communicate or relate to people in the first place? I see no end to my misery in sight, and the idea of living this way for another 30-40 years isn't very pleasant. I see no reason to prolong my suffering anymore. While I have no immediate plans, the urge to bring on the end seems to keep growing by the day. If anyone can relate to my situation and offer words of support or solidarity, I would appreciate it very much.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi I related to a lot of what you said immediately, except I was not an only child but I was the older one.

    It took me a long damn ass time to accept the fact that I am a loner but I have never come to terms completely with being alone so much.

    As far as words of comfort the best I can say at this moment in that finding SF you have found a place where you are going to be understood and while it is on line/ PM/emails/IM/chat and phone calls it is not near as lonely as it was before, trust me on this one, from one loner to another.

    Do you mind telling me how old you are? I am basically 43 which is old I know but I speak with several younger members daily and after all it is not about age but the issues we all share and relate upon.

    Take care and hope to hear from you here or in PM.

    :arms: Bambi
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know loneliness is a horrible feeling. But there are people here who care, and who want to talk to you or try and help. I know it's not the same as having someone there in person, but it's something. Hope you'll keep talking here.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome to the forum.

    I can relate to much of your post, I feel incredibly lonely most of the time but have gotten used to it so it doesn't bother me as much as it used to.
    I do know that you won't be lonely at this site, I've made many friends here and every time I log in, I feel less alone.
    There are more solutions to your problems, have you considered therapy? :hug:
  5. cerah33

    cerah33 New Member

    i can relate to your entire post, right down to having repressed anger and resentment towards my father.

    it puts me into a state of despair to think about it all too, how hopeless it is. it's like being at the bottom of a pit that you can't get out of, and it just keeps getting deeper. i've been isolated for so long that no matter how lonely i am, connecting with people has become close to impossible and i have zero social skills. in the past a few rare times i've made connections with people, i either fucked it up due to my incompetency as a person, or by my neuroticness, and yes, when you put everything into one person it absolutely destroys you when it goes sour.

    it is a living nightmare that has been bothering me for years and years.
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