ive been suicidle for about 3 months. as in not just thinking about it, or wanting to act on it, but having to stop myself from acting on it, or having someone else stop me. i dont know what to do because i cant sleep at night at all and so im alone all night feeling like i have to kill myself and i cant control myself at all when it takes over. im scared of what i will do to myself. ive been violently self harming to calm myself but the last few days it isnt working. ive been feeling agitated restless and anxious the last few days. i dont have depression by the way. right now i just keep feeling like i have to do something because the feeling of being agitated is too painful. i just dont know what to do because i cant control myself at those times. yesterday my mum had to hold me down for 3 hours because i felt that compulsion to kill myself. i can't see a doctor because i dont leave my house. it will take over a week for him to come to visit me at home. every hour is the biggest struggle ever. i cant explain the feeling. i cant go to the hospital because i 'm phobic of hospitals and my mum said they probably dont have enough room. again i dont leave my house. i cant do anything so focusing on something else doesnt work. i cant even shower or change without help anymore. i've tried talking to a helpline but they dont help me at all. i really dont know what to do anymore. im terrified of what i will end up doing to myself. theres more to this whole thing but i dont want to expose anything on this forum. i really dont know what to do and this was the last resort posting on a forum.