Unbearable

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Zurkhardo, Dec 14, 2008.

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  1. Zurkhardo

    Zurkhardo Well-Known Member

    My loneliness and isolation is so unbearable. I can't take it anymore...I feel sick, like its just some incurable affliction that I have to deal with. I've done everything...I'm worked at it and I've waited it out. I've kept a positive attitude and I've let myself try and except the terribleness of it.

    I work hard. I go to school. I work out, meet people, socialize. I'm told I'm a likable and attractive person, physically and otherwise. I have been dreams and aspirations in humanitarian work and peacemaking. I'm even told, no joke, that I look like I should I have a girlfriend. Flattering, even downright ego-elevating I must admit.

    But I have no one. Not even close. I did once, years ago. I have since too, but they were so brief and meaningless they don't even count...they were a long time ago too. Its only been 3 years now since my last true relationship, but it has felt much longer.

    One by one, everyone around me finds happiness, their significant others, and I'm left further alienated. I hate what this disease of solitude does to me. I hate that it makes me so sad, so despairing, so bitter and petty. I just feel so low and so empty and there is so little I can do now. I've spend three years trying to cope, trying to get better...three long years, sexually and romantically frustrated whilst everyone around me thrives.

    I'm so afraid of dying alone.That possibility seems more and more real as time goes by. There's not much more I can do. I'm powerless to this terminal illness.
     
  2. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Hi,

    I totally empathize with your situation. People are amazed to hear that I consider myself absolutely socially and romantically repulsive. I've been going through heavy depression for over sixteen years and it really twists you inside. One of the things that helped me was when I acknowledged that I wasn't happy with depression and suicide impulses--when I was younger, I'd get by with depression by pretending I had chosen this for myself.

    But when I realized that the depression wasn't dealing with my problems, and that I no longer found it enjoyable, then I decided to talk with people. And that resulted in a ridiculously frustrating weekend.

    But what I got out of my frustrating weekend was that I had been allowing my own feelings to dictate my action. And that meant that I was making it incapable of emotionally connecting or responding with other people. Over the last couple of years I had grown absolutely distant from my family. I was convinced that I was left alone in the world. And my behavior was seen as cruel and manipulative to my family---little did I know that I had power to actually effect anybody!

    So, once I accepted responsibility for the behavior that made my family feel bad and angry, I realized that I had control over how I behaved. And people respond to how you behave and not feel. It's easy for depressed people to be liked at parties and school because we're quiet, and ask questions. But that doesn't mean we are fit to have a relationship. Depression is a disease that forces a person to be narcissistic.

    So, I'd say stay in there and explore your emotions and how they make you behave. Decide if you value the emotions enough to follow them, or are you compelled to follow them because they are overwhelming and making you submit to them. Then go talk to a counselor at school, and instead of confronting depressive guilts try confronting things that you should really feel upset about.

    Above all, know that depression is your enemy and not your friend. I was wrong for sixteen years. Depression makes you feel lonely, it steals your energy and it tells you to how worthless you are everyday. It's not nice.

    My depression told me that I was daydreaming when I thought of being a nice, sociable, successful person. I had lived with the feeling that I was doomed to every miserable condition in life. But the question was: do those feelings come from me or depression.

    Good luck.

    Jame.s
     
  3. Zurkhardo

    Zurkhardo Well-Known Member

    Well said my friend. I appreciate your wisdom. A lot of it makes sense and I should consider that route, reflect more and all that.

    Thank you again.
     
  4. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Anytime.
     
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