Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sakura, May 25, 2007.

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  1. Sakura

    Sakura Well-Known Member

    I'm just...I actually don't really know what to feel at this very moment...I guess kind of like the punchline to really, really bad joke...a bad joke that the universe at large seems insistant on playing on me...

    So I 'borrowed' the keys to my aunt and uncles real estate office, which is about a 25 minute walk away from the house. They've selfishly cut off the internet, because I wasn't playing by their fucked up rules, and so I've been without any real support because most of my friends are people who I met online, and the only way to usually get in touch with them is through the internet...including being able to come here, and interact with many of you in chat.

    So there office has internet, and so I hopped on my bike at 11:30 at night, because I knew that if I stayed home any longer I was going to kill myself...there was no doubt at all...none...I just take anymore...there is just too much...past and present things that I thought I'd pushed away to the back of my mind...but they just keep coming back to me, and I felt as if I was slowly losing my mind...literally...

    And so I came here...to the office...and I though "oh thank God...I can finally get back into the chatroom, and even if I didn't really say anything, I would at least once again be surrounded by people who cared...

    But the internet was out...completely...and I couldn't figure out what the fuck was wrong with it...it usually worked just fine...so I didn't understand at all what the heck was wrong with it now...

    By now I'm getting seriously desperate, because I figure that maybe...just maybe...the universe actually did somehow have it out for me...because first it allowed my internet...my one true link to anyone...to be completely taken away from me...and then when I was in absolute crisis...it once again took away my access to much needed support...

    By this point I'm about to just break down into hysterical, disbelieving laughter...I mean come on now...what are the odds that the internet would just happen to go down, on one of the nights that I needed it the most...

    Now as you can all most definitely tell, I'm actually online now, otherwise I wouldn't be able to tell this 'wonderful' story of mine...

    Somehow I got the stupid internet to work...don't ask how...it was fucking hell to do, and there was a lot of cursing and swearing involved, and I almost kicked the fucking computer multiply times...but I did it...I fixed the stupid internet.

    So now I'm all ready to come online, and come into the chatroom to just chat and chill with some cool people, who I'd met before my internet was cut at home. And also hopefully get to meet some new people as well...

    And of course...because I must really be the joke of the universe tonight...every bloody thing works online...MSN Messenger...AIM...Google...every fucking thing...except the chatroom...

    I'm not even joking about this...I'm dead serious...every freaking time I go to access the chatroom, the computer freezes up, and completely shuts down every single window that I have open...so I think to myself "well maybe if I just have the one main window, with the SF main page open it will work then."

    I try that...and nope...same exact thing happens. And by now I've gone past the realm of desperation into complete, and total disbelief that this is all actually happening to me tonight. I mean seriously...just...what...are...the...fucking...odds!

    And nothing I've tried so far will make the chatroom open...nothing...

    So now I'm just sitting here typing out my pathetic little story for you all, and wondering just when did my life become just a fucking joke...

    *Sigh* I'm tired of fighting...there really isn't any point any more...I'm obviously not meant to make it...tonight has proven that to me loud and clear.

    So I'm just going to go back home now...and unfortunately...I'm really, truly sorry about this...I don't think you all will ever here from me again...I came out here tonight to try to stop myself from committing suicide...and I've been thwarted at every single turn...I'm done fighting it...I'm not stupid...I can take a hint...especially one being shoved into my face so forcefully...

    I'm just going to go back to the house...I can't even really call it a home anymore...it stopped being that for me many, many years ago...take my pills...take the alcohol...and just go to sleep...

    I'm at peace with my decision now...I don't even know why I was fighting against it so hard before...this is the only choice left available for me...I'll just...go to sleep...and finally...leave all of this pain and suffering behind...

    Thanks for listening to me ramble on, whoever took the time to read all of this. I hadn't realized just how long it had all gotten...

    Take care of yourselves...love you all...


  2. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    ...shauna dont you dare kill your self sis, please i'm begging you dont take those fucking pills, look i'm sorry i wasn't here for you on wednesday but i'm here today and i willing to help. like u said we both can do this together some fucking god damn way we can pull each other out of the darkness and into the light.
  3. gitana

    gitana SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Shauna, I am sorry I missed you being online. I really really hope that you don't do anything . You have been here awhile and you know people really care about you. I am sorry, it seems that way sometimes.. when one is feeling the way you do, it seems the odds are stacked up against one.. I know.. I have been there and not beyond ever.. multiple times taking whatever to end it.. and I shouldn't be here today at all.. mixing many things together...

    I don't know why your aunt and uncle cut off the internet as you need your support and I hope you find a way to still keep in touch with us.

    If most of your friends, maybe, are ones you have met online.. there may be some concern from them? as some people are scared hearing stories of people meeting online and something happening? I don't know.. Here I have been here almost 3 years and there is no way that I would be just talking to anybody. The support is amazing.. I know when my sis-in-law and other found out about being here, everybody had a fit.. no.. for the most part.. I have made many friends here. One has to be careful on the net, you know? so maybe they don't understand..

    I hope, really hope you will be able to be able to be in contact with us and support you. Maybe if you explain to them and show them a little that this site is different than most.. ? I don't know the answer or what has been going on.. so they know this is a safe place for you? I don't know..

    I understand..how you feel about staying home and giving into that suicidal thought.. it just keeps getting stronger and stronger.. that feeling.. a suicidal trance they call it.. I know.. too much past and present things that one pushes away and keeps going forward with life but somehow they have a way of creeping up on us..somehow. Are you seeing a Therapist that is good and helping you? Yeah.. I know.

    I am sorry and don't know why this happened to you.. not being able to access the chatroom.. it seems that way when one is really in need.. and it has happened to me before when in that frame of mind in other situation.. just when you need people.. something happens. Especially in crisis.. It has happened to me before.. and yes, I did whatever, giving into it. because it is hopeless.. okay.. believe me, it has happened to me at the most critical moment of my life!! Yeah, I have wanted to kick the comp mulitple times too.. when in special need.. So, you got onto the internet..

    Strange how this happens..omg.. I remember trying to go to chat also, in bad shape and it figures sweetie.. can't access it.. and then some.. so angry.. this is my life line also.. I wouldn't be here today if I hadn't found SF and people here who sincerely cared enough about me and others..

    I think and you can ask admin. about a back door to chat.. I think there is one because I remember one night sometime ago, trying to access SF.. and needing to be on.. down..and found out there is a backdoor to chat.. I think?
    Have been there.. Talk to admin about it or someone here may know..

    I am glad that you were able to write us here anyway.. You know we really do care about you and I hope that you won't go through with your plans or that you are okay..

    Don't believe that you are not suppose to make it.. I have experienced that too.. I can't tell you how many times, reaching out and then I stopped and did whatever.. it seemed like that.. You matter to us!

    I know how hard it is to keep trying to fight the never ending seeming battle.. I don't know what else to say but you know people who really care about you here. I hope to get to know you a little better, Shauna.. I have been away for awhile.. I am sorry that you are having a difficult time at home.. and I really hope that you make it through tonight.. and somehow, find a way to keep in touch with us here...

    I have questionned myself, why? what is the point? To keep going on and fighting too? I understand and I am sure others here do too.. We made it this far, sweetie..

    My heart goes out deeply to you. I wish there was more I could do to help you through this. I am here for you. You haven't rambled on at all.. I am glad that you could share with us and I am sorry that you weren't able to access the chatroom and had problems with the internet.. I sincerely hope that you will be able to be back here asap. Please, please don't give up! You are worth it.. may not seem like it right now.. but don't give in or up... is there any other althernative to living situation?

    Deeply thinking about you, and hope you are back on soon..



  4. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    :sad: Please be okay hunny :hug:
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Shauna, please stay safe. You have so many people that do care for you here. You didn't mention why your aunt and uncle won't allow you the use of the net, only that you broke some rules. Was this permanent or for a specified amount of time. Maybe they will allow you access soon. You can hang on Shauna. I have faith in you. Have faith in yourself. Take care and please stay safe. :hug:
  6. Tara

    Tara Guest


    please stay safe.
  7. Sakura

    Sakura Well-Known Member

    I really shouldn't still be here either Tracie...I've made so many legitimate attemps, especially when I was in my teens, when the absolute worst of the shit that still haunts me to this day was still going on. That's why I've been seriously wondering what has been going on these last few days...because even though it's so fucking hard just trying to make it through just one single day, I had figured that maybe I was meant to still be alive, if with all of my potentially lethal attemps, I was still here...

    They are at the root of all of my hurt, pain, anger, and despair...and they cut off my internet because I didn't...couldn't...clean up the bathroom because the septic tank had backed up, and made an absolute fucking, disgusting mess in the bathroom. And I'm a germaphobe, who also has OCD...and they know this...and have known this for years. but they don't care...to them I'm making it all up...or it's all in my head, and I can just snap out of it anytime I fucking want.

    So as 'punishment' for not following along, and cleaning the bathroom, they took away the only link to have to support, caring, and sanity...

    I'm working on a way...have been practically from the moment my internet was taken away...and I think that I've found a good solution...but I have to wait a few days to see if I can make it work...

    I never knew that there was a name for what I seem to go through practically every night of late. Heck...I didn't even know that I wasn't the only one going through this all of the time. Thanks for the info :hug:

    *Sigh* I was against seeing a therapist for many, many years. I just never really believed that they could actually do anything to really, truly help you...

    But things have been getting so bad with me lately...flashbacks, recurring dreams, and nightmares. And things in my life just seem to be spiralling down so far down, that I'm at the point now where I'm more than ready to give therapy a try...I just wish that I could afford it :sad:

    By the time that I got back home, the intense urge (the suicide trance?) had passed. It got kind of bad again last night, but I just took a couple of sleeping pills...(the recommended dosage)...and just forced myself to go to bed, so that I would spiral out of control again. I know that it's not the best solution...but for now, it's the only one that I can use until I figure out a way to get back online more regularly.

    I really hope that too :hug:

    I'm working on that too ^^

    Thank you...

    Just...thank you...you and everyone else at this site are my guardian angels, and I'm incredibly grateful, and eternally thankful that I was introduced to this site, and able to meet and get to know all of you here :hug:

    I Love You All :hug:

  8. SeemsPerfect

    SeemsPerfect Guest

    Just always remember that we LOVE YOU BACK! :biggrin: :grouphug:
  9. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    You've got our blessings hun. Therapy is a brilliant idea, or at least letting the docs know how your feeling so they take you seriously like your aunty and uncle do not. Keep fighting until every ounce of strength is gone.
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