UNBURDEN ME....by no one special.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by noshadow, Aug 24, 2008.

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  1. noshadow

    noshadow Well-Known Member

    I just need some kind of life.....a life at all. Right now i feel as if i am the living dead.

    just took another handful of clon and a few more beers so please excuse my spelling. the stuff numbs me out. ZBut does not always stop my crying.

    You know I hear a lot of :everyone has a purpose" and i feel bad for those who REALLY believe that cause that isn't true. These people live on that belief and still they die without one.....myself as an example. I'm fucking 30 years old with no job, a talent? yes, do I use it?? yes, but it gets me no where. Where's my purpose??

    I did not ask to be born. my mom wanted to abord me once she heard she was having twins.....but my grandmother convinced her otherwise...BAD decision on grandma's part. Sure, everyone has their "story". Well, so do I.

    I am the last of 8 siblings and grew up with only 2 of them (includung mytwin and a brother) while the others were in Greece with their father. I'm the youngest by 2 mins. My bio dad left once I turned 1.
    Where I went wrong, I'm not sure. Grew up in Illinois. Was not popular at school, or at home either. Got hurt a lot at both places. lot of bullies at school...at home. Mom was caught beating me as I was 3 with a hanger. That would not be her only angry outburst with me. It seemed as if when she was angry (not related to me) she'd find a reason. Sometimes my sister
    would tell on me for something which would "authorize" my mom to through me all over the house leaving bruises and scars. My older brother of no protection. I rememeber my sister protecting a few times. One day as a child our "D A R E" officer at school noticed the scrapes on my face and eventually my mother was questioned. My brother found out (he was 15, I was 10) and I was left home alone with him and i got hurt again. my sister ran to the neighboor who did nothing. When it got to the rest of my family, I got hit again by my aunts.

    My mom didn't like me much. I stayed quiet, and to myself. I hit puberty at 9 or 10. She very sexually showed me how to use feminine products in the bathroom. To this day, I have to have noise like the faucet on in the bathroom.

    She had many men in her life and grandma asked if she could have me as she found that my mother was beating me toooo fucking much. I never told about the bathroom scenes. My mother would not give me to her. She need a scape goat. She did not lay hands on my twin who looked like her, or my brother, who also looks like her.

    There was this one guy, Sam, who smacked me for changing the channel on the tv. she kicked him out for that. yet years later (we moved to MI) when another one of her husbands began becoming sexual with me, she married him WHILE he was in jail for it. He was allowed back home after his VERY short time served (we had to visit him and attend the wedding) I was hoping that his return would make my mother happy and maybe she'd lay off me a bit.......but no. My step father the pedaphile just recently died. Needless to say, I did not attend the funeral.

    My uncle started the same when I was 5-14. didn't tell till after he died of cancer.

    I was 16 when my mother gave P.O.A. to varoius people and I was returned to her. She had me placed in a mental ward for 22 days. Somehow I did graduate HS on time. But I did not know she had plans for me on graduation day to ship me off to my aunt's place in Chicago. She claimed SHE was afraid of me. At 19, because I kept to myself and had an eating disorder, my aunt wanted me out as well. I was homeless till I was 20. found a shelter and was depressed, they tried to get me into another mental place, but I talked my way out. Was homeless again. Met a girl who was my mentor at the shelter, and she helped me. Was never homeless since.

    2 rapes, and a few break-ups later I landed my ass in WI. A lot of break ups later...and it's now. Where I am addicted to clon, alone like I was as if I was homeless, one nation wide released CD completed, and suicidal as fuck.

    That's my f&%#$*^ story

    THE E N D
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    That's a very sad story. Sorry that you've had to endure so much pain in your life. :sad:
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Noshadow,
    I am really sorry you had to endure so much in your life! Now that you are leagal age, I suggest you not live with your mother anymore. There isn't anything you can do to undo what has happened in the past. You need to work with a therapist to pull those feelings out and dispose of them.
    She/He can teach you coping skills and to understand cognitive distortions. Please don't harm yourself!! There are alot of different avenues for you to explore!! If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me...Take Care!!:chopper:!!
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