Uncertain

[aki]

Hi, i've recently just figured out that I'm suffering from depression after thinking for so many years that I was just weird or a freak. I think I am anyway.
As a child I remember having massive temper tantrums, even later on, where I'd throw things at my mum or I used to hit my little sister constantly for no reason, I was really horrible. My parents got worried about my sister, they thought i might properly hurt her. i feel really ashamed now. I was always asking to move school as well, so I musn't have been that happy. I think that mostly I was an ok child though, got good grades...
In my teens though... I stopped being able to make good friends, stopped socialising at weekends, i remember one summer I literally didn't leave the house for about 2 months. I must have been very unhappy, but I remember feeling ok, happy, able to laugh, hopeful. I guess I thought that it would change, I was living for the future.
Then after having those hopes dashed year after year, nothing changed, I began to feel hopeless.I started cutting at 14. At about sixteen Istarted skipping school.
And here I am now, feeling just as bad, mourning the loss of my teenage years. On the very last day of school our principal said, ' Remember that school days are the best of your life' - that made me feel wonderful obviously.
Still at the back of my mind I kind of feel that I'm not really depressed, that it's just an excuse, or something, cause I can still laugh with my sister and I forget about it until I'm alone.
I dunno, sorry for ranting, I just want an opnion, do you think I've had some sort of lifelong depression or..........blah, sorry

 

[ToHelp]

Welcome to SF Tran, and hopefully as an objective observer, I can help decipher some of your confusion.

"On the very last day of school our principal said, 'Remember that school days are the best of your life'."

Pfft, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
That's a crock of bull. They were, and without question remain, the worst days of my life.

"As a child I remember having massive temper tantrums, even later on, where I'd throw things at my mum or I used to hit my little sister constantly for no reason, I was really horrible."

Dude, that's kinda normal for the younger-aged kid. (Are you girl? What's your age now?)

"I just want an opnion, do you think I've had some sort of lifelong depression or..........blah, sorry"

In psychology, cutting falls under the category of "unhealthy coping mechanisms" and more specifically, SI or self-injury. And there are layers of reasons the person might engage in it. So the answer is a confident YES: It's chronic depression "or something." Get an eval; see a psychologist.

ToHelp

 

[aki]

Hi, thanks ToHelp, you really helped!
It's so good to hear someone say that, about school, cause practically everyone older than me goes on and on about their school days, how wonderful they were, how their lives now aren't as good.
It'd be nice to hear more people say how their older lives ar better than their younger one.
About my sister, I don't know, I used to hit her til all my aggresion was out, just walk up and smack her, I don't think it was normal.
Thanks for your reply anyway.
(Oh yeah, I'm a girl and i'm 20)