Uncertainty, paranoia, self doubt, and confusion

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Just Breathe, Sep 26, 2009.

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  1. Just Breathe

    Just Breathe New Member

    I'm a 19 year old high school dropout with no job(although I've recently applied at a whole bunch of places.). Lately, I've started to believe I'm manic depressive, having strange mood changes only in the last month or so brought on by nothing in particular. Half the time I love life and even the littlest thing makes me feel great inside, and half the time I don't have the incentive to even do things I normally love like hanging out with my friends, playing video games, etc. My thoughts constantly race, and all I can think about is minor things, some recent, some long past that make me feel incredibly guilty today, even though they're truly not that bad. Things like just avoiding this girl that had a crush on me for years because she has even worse issues then me and I don't have the courage to actually tell her something like that, afraid it'd make her feel even worse.(and feeling incredibly shallow, because part of the reason I'm not willing to look past those issues is because she's unattractive)., and overall regret for decisions I made in life.

    I have one group of friends that care about me a lot, but I still don't feel I can truly relate to any of them beyond simpler tastes like video games, movies, music, etc. They're my friends but they're not the people who would understand my issues and be able to help me. Most of them are younger than me(all around 17, whereas I'm 19, as I said), and really don't need to be bothered by my problems, anyway. All my friends have their own issues and I'm usually the one they go to to fix them, because I'm a person that feels extreme sympathy for people I barely know. Uncertainty that I'm even giving them good advice is also something I constantly think about when I'm in a depressing mood.

    I don't regret dropping out of high school entirely. I think if I carried on, I honestly would have committed suicide. I've had extreme anxiety issues since around 8th grade, and never got help because my mother "doesn't believe in therapy" and blamed it on caffeine intake, which I know for a fact is not the case. Coupled with my grandmother dying unexpectedly from an aneurysm and my grandfathers cancer back in 2006 led to me dropping out, since they've always been the closest people to me.(along with my mother and uncle. I lived with them most of my life). I don't have much family left, since once my grandfather died(last year), my uncle, who I always looked up to, refuses to talk to any of us anymore due to a dispute over the house(which we've lived in our whole lives. He has his own house). I'm left with my parents, my mom who aggravates me constantly, my dad who is an alcoholic and rarely home anyway(and makes me feel more like a failure than I already am all the time when he's drunk), my great uncle(who i've never been close with at all), and my elderly great, great aunt(who's essentially senile. I go to the store for her every day). I also was in all honors classes and the work coupled with all this I couldn't handle, it really just stressed me out and never gave me time to breathe in between the stress with my family, stress at school, and homework.

    My mother constantly complains about her life. Just being around her makes me miserable all too often. I realize I'm not much better when it comes to this but around other people, I try to keep an optimistic attitude. She has a bunch of crazy beliefs and views that most of my life I have gone along with because I didn't know any better. She's always been overprotective. She doesn't go to the doctors in fear of finding something wrong with her, she refuses to buy me contacts because some things she's read on the internet, she spends most of her time playing facebook games, I think she's cheating on my dad with some fat redneck she met on facebook(but only an internet relationship. He lives in north carolina.). She's incredibly immature and dresses like she's my age even though she's 45, and always has.

    I think this is because she's afraid of me growing up. Obviously she cares about me, more than anyone else in the world, but I wish she'd listen to me half the time. My whole life I've been wearing cheap, ratty clothes, and having long hair and glasses. In the past few years I've cut my hair short and started doing my own shopping, but she puts down anything I do, maybe in an effort to be nice? Like when I cut my hair short, she was telling me it was fine the way it was...I understand being nice, but I know its simply not true and not her actual opinion. I know for a fact I look much better now, and everyone else on the planet seems to think so. Theres being nice and being honest, really. Then, when I said I was going to start buying clothes at places other than target, american eagle in particular, she tells me only gay people shop there and I dress a lot better than anyone that shops there anyway. I had my own money and bought clothes there anyway, but it still aggravates me. its not a matter of the money, either, if theres one thing we don't have a problem with, its money. I have a huge HDTV, a top of the line computer, every gaming console, over 100 games from the last few years only, etc., due to my dad working all the time and making good money.

    My dad is an alcoholic. He's a nice guy, when he's sober, but very traditional. He's always wanted me to get into sports and such and believes the man should support the family, etc. I'm a nerdy guy who doesn't think a job like his would make me remotely happy, regardless of how much money I made. I try to tell him this but he doesn't seem to understand. He's usually at work, anyway(he's an electrician), but when he's drunk, he seems to know exactly what to say to make me feel like a failure and bring me back to being borderline suicidal. He's actually made me cry because of the things he's said. He also seems to think I'm gay because my relationships all fail(I'm seriously not. I'm just a geek, who's slowly getting better).

    My uncle was essentially my role model when I was a kid. I always thought he was cool and looked up to him. Since my grandfather died, not only do I never see him, I also found out what an asshole he was. He kicked his pregnant girlfriend down the stairs, attempted suicide twice, never actually came to see my grandfather while he was bedridden with cancer, and is just an all around asshole. He has a kid now, my cousin, who I've seen twice. Its mostly just depressing to realize what an asshole someone I used to look up to was, although I honestly don't care that much any more.

    My entire dad's side of the family I don't talk to. Lots of reasons, but I've never liked them. I'm pretty sure my grandfather on his side is a pedophile, but maybe just a jackass. I don't talk to them, don't care that I don't talk to them, and don't intend to talk to them.

    At 19, I'm still not sure what I want to do with my life. I have a few ideas but I don't know which way to go. I'm an extremely sympathetic person who feels sympathy for even people I barely know, so I've always wanted to help people. Maybe become a therapist, or a psychologist, or even just a guidance counselor. But I don't feel I'm stable enough to even help myself correctly, so I'm not sure this is the best idea. I've also considered becoming a cop, I've never done much illegal in my life at all except pirate some music, and I really want to help people, but I don't think I have what it takes, honestly. I've considered becoming a lawyer, but I doubt I could live with myself defending someone I think may be a criminal or prosecuting an innocent person. I'm also interested in computer repair, which seems like the most likely choice, because as a high school drop out, I have a bit less options, but ITT tech seems like a good choice for me, but I also feel like it wouldn't make me much money and I'm not sure if I'd stay interested.

    I've read a lot on psychology and what to say to people in situations like mine, and I honestly am not sure a therapist or something could get through to me, even if I could, but as a 19 year old with no insurance, I can't even if I wanted to. If anything I think they'd give me pills, and I'm not sure I even want that at all.

    I'm not suicidal anymore. I'm way past the point of ever considering it. I'm just depressed, confused, I think I'm bipolar, and needed someone to rant to. I'm sorry if this isn't phrased well or anything, it's just whats been going through my head right now. Maybe I'll add more details later.

    If you actually read all of this, thank you.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums JB!! I think you should start by getting your GED..While there talk to a school counselor about what you want to do with your life..I think you will find computers pay better than you think.. It just depends what you take..It sounds like you are ready to move on with your life.. You just need some guidance..ITT Tech is a good school, I also beleive they help you with job placement assistance when you graduate..The main thing is you need the education to get a job that pays well..Good luck to you..
  3. WldHair

    WldHair Well-Known Member

    Ah sweets, I've met more screwed up therapists than anyone. I think that's why they make such good therapists. If you feel this is where your heart lies, then follow it.

    And work on getting away from the "mudpit" -- your family. They don't mean to hold you down, but they are stuck in their ways and if they aren't gonna respect you and let you go your own way then you need to leave and do your thing. My parents gave me crap for years for who I was and when I left and did my own thing, they left me alone. Try not to let them get to you. I know it's hard because being their children, we want their approval. However, some of them just aren't going to do right.

    Good luck to you.
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