sometimes I wonder if I've always hated myself but everything has just been distracting me from that. School, friends, jobs--they've provided time for my mind to indulge in something other than the palpable hatred I have for me. I'm two years out of college. I had a job for a while but moved to a new state and now I'm back to being unemployed. I have an eating disorder and anxiety issues that prevent me from having certain kinds of jobs. the only thing getting me out of bed every day is that I have to walk my dog. My boyfriend works 10 hrs a day and he's really all I've got. and I try to distract myself. with food or tv, usually. But I'm not working and I'm not in school. I certainly can't afford to go back to school (and what for?) I'm stuck with myself as company and it made me realize that this hatred has always been there. I've always been extremely harsh on myself. As soon as I find someone I look up to, I immediately hate myself for not being as successful or happy or productive or thin. Lately when I've been trying to face my problems, I've been frozen by the pain of it. I start grinding my teeth, my body starts trembling, and I can barely function beyond the racking sobs. It hurts to much to be accountable for my own actions. I want to blame everyone else but myself. Because if I blame myself I might kill myself. It just might be the tipping point and I don't know if I'm strong enough to come back from that. I don't see how I'm worth it. I'm seeing a therapist every week, but I feel like I'm being split open and that my body is shredding. I'm scared I won't make it out alive if I start dealing with myself.