unconditional self-loathing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by function, Oct 9, 2012.

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  1. function

    function New Member

    sometimes I wonder if I've always hated myself but everything has just been distracting me from that. School, friends, jobs--they've provided time for my mind to indulge in something other than the palpable hatred I have for me.

    I'm two years out of college. I had a job for a while but moved to a new state and now I'm back to being unemployed. I have an eating disorder and anxiety issues that prevent me from having certain kinds of jobs.

    the only thing getting me out of bed every day is that I have to walk my dog. My boyfriend works 10 hrs a day and he's really all I've got. and I try to distract myself. with food or tv, usually.

    But I'm not working and I'm not in school. I certainly can't afford to go back to school (and what for?)

    I'm stuck with myself as company and it made me realize that this hatred has always been there. I've always been extremely harsh on myself. As soon as I find someone I look up to, I immediately hate myself for not being as successful or happy or productive or thin.

    Lately when I've been trying to face my problems, I've been frozen by the pain of it. I start grinding my teeth, my body starts trembling, and I can barely function beyond the racking sobs.

    It hurts to much to be accountable for my own actions. I want to blame everyone else but myself. Because if I blame myself I might kill myself. It just might be the tipping point and I don't know if I'm strong enough to come back from that. I don't see how I'm worth it. I'm seeing a therapist every week, but I feel like I'm being split open and that my body is shredding. I'm scared I won't make it out alive if I start dealing with myself.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It is hard when one starts to look inwards hun but it is also important to look at what you accomplished in your life and what you have in the present I do hope you find a new job soon hun as keeping busy certainly is a good distraction Work with your therapist but let your therapist know if he or she is moving to fast ok you go at your pace hugs to you
     
  3. Black Sun

    Black Sun Active Member

    Hi Function,

    I think you will find that your unconditional self-loathing started a long time ago says more about the people who raised you than your actual self. I think you will find that when you start reviewing some of your early memories with your therapist you will discover that some of things that happened to you either frustrated you, hurt you or caused you to be afraid. Since you couldn't look at these experiences with a mature mind and healthy emotions, you buried them. You learned to cope with them but that only works for awhile.

    In my own life I discovered a father who always mocked me (making me feel hurt and frustrated-angry) and a mom who worried excessively on the one hand and abandoned me on the other. It really hurt reliving these experiences but I was finally able to see that it was not that I was ridiculous, stupid or worthless, it was my parents who simply did not know how to raise children. They meant no wrong, but in my late teens I began drinking and continued to do so every day for the next 26 years. I was able to have relationships with my parents while drinking but this got harder after I stopped drinking-all the pigeons started coming home to roost.

    With time, I have learned that while I had internalized my parents attitides towards me causing me to self-medicate with alcohol, food and other distractions, I didn't deserve to be treated so poorly, and that they were wrong! I discovered a pretty good kid inside and now live my life in touch with my thoughts and emotions instead of criticizing, abandoning and condemning them. Does this make any sense? This is part of a "psychodynamic" view of person hood. Not all counselors go this deep. Bandaids for gaping chest wounds are popular now, especially with insurance companies.

    Once you relive these past traumas and process them as an adult, feeling the hurt, shame, anger, etc., then you have taken away their power over you. Learning to forgive the ones who have hurt you is also very important, because until you do, you will not really be free. So, you see, there are others to blame, but you have to forgive them. Like anything good, or valuable, it takes hard work to achieve, but worth the effort. What is freedom worth?

    Gilly
     
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