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Under a Lot of Pressure

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by imaginarybird, Mar 22, 2011.

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  1. imaginarybird

    imaginarybird Member

    I feel like everything's coming at me from all angles...I'm trying to focus on just getting better but there's too much else going on.

    My family is legitimately out of money. All I keep hearing every day is "we don't have the money to do that right now" and "we need to do this", "with what money?" It's hard enough to hear that, but I know that I make/am making things harder. I don't contribute anything, but I take a lot for things like school and such. The problem is is the university I'm at right now is about as economical as a university can get, but I absolutely hate it, and I started applying to transfer. With things the way the are I feel like I have to stop the whole process and just suck things up, but if I stop now, all the money we've spent on application fees and such is a total loss which seems just as bad.

    Part of me feels the same way about treatment. Partly because I'm so frustrated, even though I know it really is a process and it takes time, and partly because of the money. We have insurance but it doesn't cover everything so we're continuously spending money on things that are doing nothing. Nothing in terms of treatments is working. I take everything I'm given, when I'm supposed to, and I go to every appointment and make at least try to do what's asked of me, but I never get the slightest response. Now I'm switching meds (again) and my psychiatrist really wants me to get my parents more involved, and I just feel like I can't do it.

    It's not that they would be unsupportive or freak out or anything, I just have never really gone to them for anything and it doesn't feel like I could start with this. She keeps saying that she's not going to force me and she doesn't want me to feel pressured but it seems to be all she really talks about, despite how much I've explained my discomfort with it. I want to be totally honest with her and explain how I'm really feeling but this makes me really nervous and wary about it. I've had experiences with two separate therapists in the past that took my comments about wishes and visualizations seriously, but within the same session completely ignored my continuation of the statement that I knew I was not at the point where I would actually follow through on anything and brought my parents in, both times when I was above the age of 18. I understand concern and professional obligation but it made me so angry/confused/upset that they can take half of my words as truth and just completely disregard the other half...

    It took away a lot of the trust I had with therapists/psychiatrists but I thought I had rebuilt that with this doctor. Now that she's become so repetitive/insistent about everything I'm not so sure. Between that and how much we've been talking about kind of increasing things in terms of the amount of treatment sessions and things, which I'm more open to although we haven't found anything that I feel comfortable with, I don't feel like I can tell her the extent of how badly I've been feeling lately.

    I feel like I have so little control over anything at this point that if I lose any more it will push me over. So I'm kind of stuck between being perpetually miserable and feeling horrible about everything with my support basically coming from my one friend and occasionally forums like this, or admitting just how terrible I do feel and risk losing all the control that I have over anything and ending up making things worse...
  2. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Getting parents involved is stressful, that's something I can relate to. If you aren't ready to have your parents involved, ask your psychiatrist to please stop bringing it up, that you're resolute about it, and you're just not ready. Be firm. That should get the message across.

    But it's your call as to whether it will help or hinder you. My opinion, if you want it, is that it could be beneficial. The reason I say that is because you said you don't think they'll react negatively. That being said, the family session could facilitate communication and mutual trust between you and your parents.

    I recognize that it is a burden on you to make a decision like that. Take your time, think it through, and make a decision you're comfortable with.

    Whatever happens, keep in touch.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 22, 2011
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    do you think that it would be better to take a leave of absence from school?
  4. imaginarybird

    imaginarybird Member

    There's a part of me that says yes, and that keeping up with school is just another bit of stress that's making things harder. But another part of me says that I need to be in school. I've never not been in school and despite not having a real plan about where I want to end up in the future, using school as a tool to get there has always been one thing that I've thought for sure is the way for me to go. So taking a break from it, no matter how temporary it might be definitely scares me. I know people that have taken breaks and their situation changes to the point where they never ended up going back, and I worry about that happening with me.

    I know a lot of my thought processes are mostly irrational, but I just can't ever get past them, so I often can't "make the right decisions" as it were, and yet I absolutely hate the idea of people making the choices for me. A lot of people seem to think that this means I don't want to get better but I do...I just don't know how to get past the depression/myself to make it happen.
  5. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    For me, there was a pretty big self-esteem hit when I temporarily left school. I felt like I was less than all my peers, like, They can all handle this, so why can't I? Even though it is sometimes necessary, such as in my case when I made the mistake of stopping my medication while living at school and needing to take that leave of absence, it's still frustrating to have to do it.
  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    maybe you could do a lighter schedule, drop a class, try to pick the easiest classes with understanding professors?
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