Under the mask - describe your inner world

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Summer.Rain, Mar 11, 2009.

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  1. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Just came up with an idea some may find interesting
    the point of this thread is not to ask questions or help
    but to post your inner world and to see the inner world of others
    we all have something under our mask, ill start:

    Even though sometimes i feel like there is nothing under my mask
    and my life is just about acting like others, i do feel like sometimes
    i "adopt" someones image and build my own "me" on it.
    For example i used to have a freand, he was very popular, and active
    by that time i was still a virgin and i noticed that this freand of mine
    he got very useful qualities about him that as a result helping him to get
    as many girls as he want, and as i was interested in loosing my virginity
    i spent lots of time near this freand, in a way, spying on him, copying
    his qualities, such as his taste in music, and his way of life...
    after a while i managed to come to his level about girls
    i lost my virginity and had lots and lots of girls around me
    then after a while i evolved this "image" even more, the girls became
    my best freands, and after some time this freand it all started from..
    started to actually envy me. but as for me, after i done my "mission"
    its like i felt empty again, i needed a new image to adopt, so i did.

    My next step was based on an idea that i should be more popular
    i thought that more freands will give some meaning to my life
    So i start to hang out at night clubs, at first all i did was drink
    then to dance, i learned to dance on the go, after a year i came
    to the point i was a "clubber" which is in fact a guy who knows
    pretty much everything about night life, where, what, and when.
    at the end it resulted not only in strong social standing
    but in people that i didnt know starting to call me, where doors
    to the world of drugs and sex opened to me, even though i didnt entered
    but the final thing that forced me to end this all was that very bad people
    started to contact me, drug dealers, people that raped girls
    (i found out about it as i had a pretty good network of information)
    and eventual gangs, yes, people that walking around with knifes...

    It took a while to fight off all the people, and sure it wasnt easy as
    i did everything i could NOT to offend them, i knew many secrets
    and i had to insure to everyone that their secrets are safe with me.
    But after a while i just got sick of it all, and turned off my mobile
    closed myself in the house, and spent months and months alone.
    Then some old freands start comming, wondering what is wrong
    i found some good freands by that way, not many freands...
    actualy only 3, 2 guys and 1 girl, that remained to be my best freands
    until my last day in Israel, they helped and supported me a lot
    yet i had lots of people that were dependant on me, and i left them
    had no choise, i just had no more energy to do anything.

    Well this is amm... 5 years out of my life
    started when i was 18, ended when i was 23, when i came to ukraine.
    i dont remember anything from 13 to 18, and today i just dont have
    anyone to copy, to take image of him, or whatever.
    Actualy i find Ukranian guys as very dull, nothing interesting about them..
    So today, unfortunately all i have to fill my inner world is haterate.
    And i dont like it, but its the only feeling i know that i got enough of it
    to use it to controll my life, its the only thing that helps me to build
    my oppinions and views, even though they are negative, but its all i got...

    and by the way, even though i did tried to build a social network
    in Ukraine, i found out that the culture here is so different from what i know
    that i did things that are unacceptable, or just weird to the locals.
    I mean... all they do is to get drunk and to have sex...
    And when i try to show them a different way of life, some just dont
    want to follow me, others dont want to "loose" thair social status as "cool guys"
    and eventually avoiding me as many girls in here find me as unique and interesting
    the local guys dont like the fact i get too much attention from the girls...

    As a 24 y\o my life is mainly focused on things such as music, night clubs
    girls and freedom overall, but for now, all i do is spending day after day
    in front of my freaking computer :(
  2. christian_1990

    christian_1990 Well-Known Member

    i only read the first and last things u said...dont feel like reading all that stuff srry........about the last thing u said about the computer...to me its ok....before i used to think that it wasnt right to spend many hours everyday on the computer but now i dont give a shit....fuck everybody and everything i do what i can.........

    my inner world is dark, lonely, demented delirant unpleasure.
  3. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    i like the idea.

    My inner world... i wish i could say i dont have a mask, or anything to hide from anybody, but the fact its that i am a different person for everybody. I doubt there is anybody in the real life who knows me who i really am, what i desire, what i need, what i care, etc

    Many may think im a happy girl, living with her boyfriend and saving money to move out of his parents house. working and going to college, some even might think i pray sometimes.
    but the fact, its that i am happy, if i feel miserable. I know it must be hard to understand, i dont really think i understand it myself. im not living my life looking things to be depresed about though.

    im not saving at all, i have more debts than the ones i can pay, i havent paid for college to start this year, and i have just a couple of weeks to do it( if its not over allready)

    as you, summer rain, i also copied things from other people when i was younger, and keep it in the present, like the musical taste, the way to face a fight, the love for MMos, and the most usefull of everything: how to get out of trouble or get what i want with just a smile.

    behind the smile, there is a girl who is happy with all the scars she has all over her body, and at the same time, that same girl wishes she could wear short sleeves again withouth people freaking out.
    this girl, who sometimes thinks that doesnt want to love her boyfriend anymore, even when shes trying to love him back.
    the girl inside me who lies to everybody just to make sure they think she`s ok. when many times she`s not, just to not worry anybody.
    How she thinks she is not pretty at all when men and even women many times turn their heads to look at her.

    this girl also wants to have a wonderfull life and be truly important to the world, but at the same time she wants to die in a basement of an overdose(even when she doesnt do drugs at all)because she thinks thats what she deserves.

    i know its a pretty long post and many people wont read it, and most of them wont care. but its ok. I come to this forum to help, and to be helped when i try to control myself from hurting my body again, not because i want to stop, but because i try to keep it for myself and dont want to be so evident on my recent wounds.

    i wish i could love myself a little bit more, even when some people thinks im egocentric. I wish i could do so many things but it requires a minimal effort im not willing to make. and that last thing is what i truly want to solve.

    thanks for ur tread mate, it made me feel relief to write all of this out of my chest.
  4. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    you have the perfect age for everything u are doing at the moment! enjoy it :D
  5. danz

    danz Well-Known Member

    I read it, that’s some deep shit. Thanks for sharing. I'm only new to this site but I think it’s great so many people are willing to help others and courage’s enough to ask for help when they need it. I’m not good at helping others, I can’t even help myself but reading about so many people going through simular and worse things than me does make things better. Not that anyone want to see others suffering but you know the old saying - misery needs company.
    Anyways back to the point,
    my inner world feels like I have given so much and received nothing back. It feels like small pieces of me have been left scattered in the hands of everyone that I ever trusted and cared about, It feels like I’m living life in one of those out of body experiences, I can see another me self destructing and I want to grab him and shake him and talk sense to him but he doesn’t seem to want to listen. I want to be normal, I want people to like me but I look around and see nothing but fakes. People walk around pretending its all good and it makes me sick inside. I wish I could fake it but I don’t have it in me, I wish I wasn’t me. I try to think of what would make me happy and come up with nothing.
    Money means nothing to me, I had a great job, I had the perfect girlfriend, I had a loving family and friends, all the nice things in life- I was just as miserable then as I am now without any of those things.
    My inner world is not worth shit because the real world was created to drain people souls and kill their spirit.
  6. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

  7. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    You should see the mountain of crap I'm scraping together for a blog entry on this very topic. It'll make what you wrote look positively concise. :tongue:

    If I ever finish it I'll try to post a link on this thread...but if you think nobody will read what you wrote, they'll be fleeing for the exits after one glance at the diarrhea of the keyboard I'm going to (maybe, assuming I finish it) be posting. :laugh:
  8. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    lol be happy then because i read the post no matter how long they are(tip:dont paste the link,just copy and paste what u are writting)
  9. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    For me, my inner world is emptiness as I feel that life is meaningless and everything that we do is all in vain as we all die at the end of the day. If i were to be with myself alone, all I feel is whats the point of it all. It's a cruel and horribly unfair world out there and the weak get preyed upon. I also do not understand why does God put us through all these trials and tribulations as well as sufferrings in this world . What's the point of it all? It isn't a joke really.

    But although I have come to accept the fact that life is meaningless and pretty pointless and also very cruel and unfair, I also realized that I might as well enjoy the 'fucking' ride and stick with it through thick and thin. I no longer expect this screwed up world to be fair for me or to anyone so I had to make a stand for myself if I am going to life through it. I dont expect anyone to care for me or to lift a hand when I fall anymore due to past experiences so I learnt to fend for myself and also learnt to pick myself up each time I fell. I also realized that no one really gives a shit about anyone except themselves so I dont go about asking for sympathy nor understanding from anyone but to help myself first and then help others if I could.

    There is nothing much about life. One generation comes, one generation goes, over and over again for centuries after centuries. Whats the fucking point really? But I am going to enjoy the ride all the way to the fucking end to see where it brings me to. Then I'm going to ask my Creator a lot of questions.
  10. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    the inner world of me. if its possible to put a mask on over a mask then ive gone and done it very well but under all of it i have to admit im scared of myself. scared of what im capable of. scared of knowing that i have the power in me to do this to me and that and yet at the same time i like it. at the moment im losing the fight against another nervous breakdown, im sure of it and so that second mask has to be placed firmly on so that no one knows whats really going on

    i came to the conclusion to give up on suicide a few years back when i relaised id lived through way too many attempts that were meant to kill me and so i isolated myself in the thought of i have to find a reason to live. so id cling onto things and really hold on for dear life. at the moment its the love of my life who made me literally smile for the first time in my life as i just dont do smiling at all. before him it was an obsession with harry potter.

    i dont know if i ever want to give up the cutting. i know i look in my wardrobe and think 'oh god, what the hell am i going to wear today so that the world doesnt judge me'. and i sit on the bus with this secret of having harmed myself and no one else knows but i like that secret. like theres something in this world thats mine and i can remember them by just looking at the scars. no one can take those scars away from me

    im very good at being a closed book to anywhere beyond this forum. those that know me only know a fraction of my life. what i want to show and tell and thats not a lot at all. and it seems being so highly emotional has got me into the position i am now. so emotional in fact that im crying as i write this because im writing out the bare bones of me. and everything i know to go wrong in my life i always bring down to me. i know its all been my fault as there must have been something i did in this life or a previous one for it to have happened. how else could it have not happened to me

    and thats me beyond 2masks.. well as much as i can write anyway
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 12, 2009
  11. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    Empty, blank. I don't care about anything.
  12. hi.

    hi. New Member

    behind the "funny girl" is a suicidal, depressed, ugly, addicted, nasty person.
  13. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    I agree. It doesn't matter how I feel, what I think, what I do. Whether I live or die doesn't really concern me. I may have some inner world I guess. Don't know. Don't care.
  14. Maylin

    Maylin Well-Known Member

    On the outside I am happy, funny, never mad, never serious, really sarcastic and a nice person.

    On the inside I fantasize every night about dying. I do not care about anything, I just try to put on an act so people wont question me. I hate myself, I hate my looks, I hate my life, I envy everyone else.

    The last few months I have actually contacted a doctor for help, I am trying to see if certain medications will help. I have got a few months to see if they work because it is my last chance. On one hand I am looking forward to seeing if the meds work, but I am also fascinated by death, so yeah...
  15. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    It's odd. People want to be liked so they put on this mask. But once you get to know a person, once you get to know that 'stupid', 'ugly', 'horrible', 'depressed', 'useless' person, that's when you begin to care about them, to connect with them, because that's when they become a human being, just like me.
  16. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    my inner world is a loud, jumbled mess. its like someone is screaming all the time, a high pitched scream. there's chaos and mess where order and serenity should be.
    everything is crumbling and i'm trying to hold it together but the cracks show.
    its a violent place too, kinda like what hell is portrayed as, all these people being tortured on open flame and stabbed and their insides torn out as they lie breathing not dying. but they arent faceless people, each and every one of them is me. like i'm watching myself being torture but i'm not allowed go on and die.
    theres also a gruff mans voice echoing amongst the shrill scream, and its shouting at me, nasty stuff as well. not just shouting to get work doen. he's putting me down constantly, calling me a c**t and useless and a coward.

    i think thast pretty much my inside..
  17. Dragon

    Dragon Staff Alumni

    My inner world is quiet. I like it that way.
  18. Kunera

    Kunera Well-Known Member

    Honestly, I'm not sure.
    I'd like to think that I'm a nice person, but really, I'm kind of an asshole.
    I don't really know what I want out of life, but I tend to think that I would be a lot happier if I found a girl to care about me.
    Makes me seem kind of like a wimp, since I tend to like the idea of a more powerful, controlling girl, when in most cases, that's supposed to be the guy's role.

    Honestly, I may or may not find the girl I'm looking for, so I try to find happiness elsewhere.

    Other than that, I tend to appear relatively cheerful and put on a show for those around me.
  19. Overruled

    Overruled Active Member

    I went through some pretty shit times when I was younger, and ended up in the same type as situation as you. I literally encased myself in a shell, and I just adopt the ways of those around me to get by.

    The one and only feeling I have left inside is hatred ... that's all I feel, no matter what my shell shows.
  20. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    My life consists of isolation, irrational thinking, lonliness, and no respect of myself..I pretty much don't care what happens to me.. All I want is for it to end..
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