Under the mask - describe your inner world

[Jeff Nyman]

I think this is a good topic. I think that peeling away the mask we present to the rest of the world can be very instructive. But it can be extremely hard to do, particularly if we don't like what we see.

I know for myself I've built up a shell of skills that really hide a large amount on insecurity. That insecurity stems from the fact that I've often done just enough to get by, rather than really having to sacrifice for it or learn the true value of things. I have a veneer of emotion that I can show to people but that veneer is really pretty thin; it covers a largely emotionless individual. At best, I'm selectively emotional such that relating to other people in terms of their desires, their needs, their goals, etc. is simply not something I am often good at.

Since a lot of people here seem to express themselves in verse, here's my attempt relative to this "under the mask" idea.

Cold Dark Night
Who's in control? Who's at the wheel?
Who is controlling the way that I feel?
The me that I knew is almost totally lost.
And at what price; what inevitable cost?

It seems the night flies on invisible wings,
always hiding those that pull my strings.
If I allow the darkness to swallow me whole,
the teeth of the night will temper my soul.

And if I turn away, then midnight will fray,
like tattered dreams, never seeing the light of day.
And chaos will tend to the loom of the night,
and the final curtain will fall on my plight.

For I am a harbinger of my own mental state,
a herald, an usher, and an omen of fate.
Small as I am, I am all of these things,
and they're woven within the message I bring.

There's nothing I want, there's nothing I need.
I'm parcel and part of a much larger deed.
To let people see me as I truly am,
and spread my message the best that I can.

Our potential to do wrong can go very far,
If we lose sight of who we really are.
And if we lose sight of just what we can be,
I fear we will all end up just like me.

Trapped in this body, losing all control,
Unable to show emotions, a lonely dark soul.
Day and night I sit and feed my internal disease,
And I keep quiet those things no one else sees.

I fight a losing battle and I pretend to win,
but live in a private hell again and again.
I wear my fear like a cloak in an endless flight,
And I meet my fate in the cold dark night.

 

[sithspit]

I like this thread, because I use the "mask" expression often. I live with a permanent mask on. Throughout my life I have almost universally been thought of as a joke. Not academically or work-wise, but rather as a person. Socially inept, loser in life and love, I've always been looked at like that really. I personally never thought it was true, but as my life has gone on and with almost everyone having the same view, I have begun to believe it is true. Whereas before I was trying to prove to these people I am not these things, not I am trying to prove it to myself.

With my mask on I am very good at my job. I am a manager of a betting shop, and have been promoted several times despite only being 22 and having been at the company for just 2 years. In reality I really don't think I am that smart or capable, and am quite frightened of this new level of responsibility. I can't tell anyone this though, not my shop team because I have to give them the impression of being their leader and in charge (especially as they've been without one for so long), but also not my old friends at my old shop, as they think I'm acting "above them" now, despite it being totally the opposite. I am really very lonely, both in the romantic sense and the friendship sense, and I every knockback I receive just draws me deeper into my shell and makes me even more afraid to let people know the real me. I feel that if they do, they'll mock me and reject me as they have before, but I am desperate for that someone to prove to me that I'm not that. And today, after actually allowing myself to believe I had found that someone, I got knocked back again. It's my own fault for allowing myself to get my hopes up.

So I'm really quite depressed, more so than in a long time. Maybe it's a good thing, as I have been stuck in limbo with this mask for a while now, and this could be the jolt which actually makes me take action, take my life, and stop this constant, horrible, lonely misery.

 

[fromthatshow]

I am a three year old screaming for his mother.
She is nowhere to be found!

:cry2:

 

[lamet]

my inner world: under my mask is a girl who's mask is to not care and be normal. the truth is that i care too much about the little things that it makes me crazy and i am anything but normal. I care so much about my mask and about what others will think. My mask is long sleeves and a plastered smile. Secretly i hope someone will see the real me. I hide my true feelings from the ones closest to me, even my husband. I just wish someone would know how i feel. I wish i could be fixed. I wish there was an on and off button to life. i am gods little toy and i dont understand why he turned me on to begin with. what was the point?

 

[plates]

I am a three year old screaming for his mother.
She is nowhere to be found!

:cry2:

:biggrin: that's what my therapist always says to me when i'm describing my distress and there not being anyone there and feeling petrified and suicidal- she says "it sounds like....you're a very very tiny baby wanting to be held, screaming and no one's comforting her."

and she cradles an invisible child. it's getting old now though. i know, i'm a baby and i need a hug and kisses from someone who loves me because i hurt. who wouldn't? :mellow:

she emphasises the word 'tiny' a lot though. dunno why. i think we go through similar feelings about needing to be held and not having a mother spencer. she actually says, that i 'go out and search for it' when i'm not getting this comfort/validation that i exist when i'm hurting but also- that i'm fortunate that i have a part that looks after me much better than it did in the past.

 

[plates]

under the mask i'm a goddess an invincible goddess of love :cool: under my thorny defensive angry exterior

 

[Crue-K]

a simmering volcano of psychotic rage that's been supressed for too long by medications.

 

[fromthatshow]

:biggrin: that's what my therapist always says to me when i'm describing my distress and there not being anyone there and feeling petrified and suicidal- she says "it sounds like....you're a very very tiny baby wanting to be held, screaming and no one's comforting her."

and she cradles an invisible child. it's getting old now though. i know, i'm a baby and i need a hug and kisses from someone who loves me because i hurt. who wouldn't? :mellow:

she emphasises the word 'tiny' a lot though. dunno why. i think we go through similar feelings about needing to be held and not having a mother spencer. she actually says, that i 'go out and search for it' when i'm not getting this comfort/validation that i exist when i'm hurting but also- that i'm fortunate that i have a part that looks after me much better than it did in the past.

to the search for a good mother :drunk:

 

[plates]

a simmering volcano of psychotic rage that's been supressed for too long by medications.

all my rage has come out and will always come out in my writing, and it feels good and i don't feel so trapped/suicidal anymore. i've told those doctors what i thought about them medicating me in the past and guess what, my doctor who threatened to section me a few years ago because i didn't want to take medication, said in great theatrical display, very loudly, laughing that she "doesn't want anyone on medication!" (cos i had an advocate in the room emphasising everything i said and how their treatment is lacking when i'm dying and harmful when i ask for support)