So I am not what you would consider a cutter or person that would deliberately harm myself. In the past though I have purposefully put myself in situations where I was in real danger of a violent nature because I believed I could get out of the situation. That I was invincible and would feel more "awake" after engaging in these behaviors. I had taken it pretty far to the point where it was only a matter of time before I would end up dead or I would have to make a descicion to stop. Basically I pushed my barriers back way further than I had ever dreamed. 5 years later I feel really apathetic, pretty opposite to the enraged disposition of my lets say 19, 20 year old self who dared go all these places. Still, more than ever, I want to wake up. Sometimes I feel so distant from myself and so numb that especially if I am around anything that encourages my emptiness like music or triggers of ptsd I go into kind of a daze and meditate on these terribly painful, violent images of what I might due to myself should my mind or emotions fail to change their current state. The worst part I think is just how tempting these adventures into the other side have been becoming. Increasingly. Plus I've been at the place where everyone has done what they can and despite being in my hours and years of treatment, I wonder how much further I have to go but I sure as hell can't stay here. My strength is not sufficiently equipped to battle the will of my desire.