when i look back at my life it becomes clear that i need drugs. it's really stupid and i hate it, but it's the truth. the main struggle for me is finding the right combination so that i can wake up every day pretty much the same- no giant depressions, no comedowns, no agitation or irritability in the extreme. i don't remember a time in my life where i wasn't depressed and suicidal or else high as **** all the time. ive done a lot of mushrooms, some lsd, more than a little pot smoking, and prescription meds that werent prescribed for me. i did speed for a year and a half (in very small doses), but that started to ruin my life so i had to quit. I tried getting totally clean and didn't get out of bed for 5 months except a few hours a day to eat and stretch my aching atrophied muscles. it was AWFUL. so now i'm on meds for bipolar II and i've quit recreational use of the hard drugs. i still smoke pot once in awhile. i drink on the weekends. i quit smoking cigarettes. but i need something more so i take a bunch of supplements and drink teaspoonfulls of datura tea. i am taking ephedra now. it's just horrendous to live this way but i need it. always going up or coming down. an addict. AA is not for me because i have god, i have only one addiction and it's not to alcohol it's to any other mindstate except my natural one. i hope one day soon i just cry myself to death and meet brian in the afterlife. i miss him so much.